The Official Joke Thread

[noise]

what's brown and sticky?

[a stick]

[Shake]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

[Freebase Dali]

Originally Posted by Shake

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

That's awesome.

[stormjh]

Why did Mowgli get lost?

Because the jungle is massive.

[mr dave]

Originally Posted by Shake

'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

hahahah nice

this one is a little long and impolite but...


a businessman was coming home from a road trip one night, and feeling a little frisky he decides to stop by the local brothel outside of town.

so he's talking to the madam and finding out what kind of deals he can score, being a cheapskate he settles for a fat foreign lady $10 cheaper if he does it with the lights off. so he goes into the room turns out the light and gets busy.

as they're going at it she keeps screaming 'sung pao! sung pao!' he naturally assumes it's some hollow compliment at his prowess and finishes up.

a few days later the businessman is having a meeting with clients, including a foreign investor. they all decide to have a round of golf to relax after their meetings and the investor nails a hole in one. looking to impress the group the businessman uses his newly learned phrase 'sung pao! sung pao!' and politely applauds the shot.

the investor looks at him - WTF you mean 'wrong hole?'

[ElephantSack]

I have a truly vile and tasteless whorehouse joke.


A guy gets his tax return, and since he had just broken up with his girlfriend, he decides to treat himself to the finest whore he can find.

So he marches into the nearest brothel, slaps about $1500 on the counter, and says, "I want the sexiest bitch in the place."

The madam gives him a sly look and says, "Last door on the right." And the guy finds his way to the room, and there she is, already naked and spread. Perfect, just like he had imagined. He doesn't bother saying a word. He just drops trow and starts banging the shit out of her.

She doesn't seem to be into it at all, but he doesn't care. He's shooting load after load into her, when eventually, cum starts to drip out of her mouth and nose.

He reels back in disgust, throws his pants back on and races to the counter. And he's screaming at the madam about his problem, and she doesn't seem fazed at all.

After he gets done with his tirade, she calmly turns around and yells into a staff room behind the counter, "Herb! The dead one's full again!".

[CAPTAIN CAVEMAN]

why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?????


























because they haven't any pockets

[stormjh]

If you are a fan of one liners (like me), this guy is a genius.

[Bloozcrooz]

Little johnny get a new plane for Christmas. He's playing with it in the back yard for a couple hours while his mom watches from the kitchen window. He's flying the plane through the air getting ready for his ever so perfect landing. As it touches down into the lush suburbia hell san augustine grass little johnny says..."alright".."all you mother ******* that want on get on".."all you mother ******* that want off get off". Little Johnnys mother in a state of shocks swings the back screen door open. Runs over and to Johnnys dismay snatches him by the arm and drags him to his room. With a scornful look and disgruntled but stern voice shakes her finger and says.."Now Johnny I told you bout that cussing young man!!" You stay in here till you learn to play nice"!!! Slams the door and returns to the kitchen. Bout an hour later he comes out. Finds his way to the back yard and continues his launching of another take off into the wild blue. As he lands the plane he does his pretend scenerio quite different."Ehhhem"!!.."Ladies and Gentlemen that want off"..."Please feel free to do so"....Ladies and Gentlemen that want on".."Please do so"...With his chin held high and courteous manners at their peak. He glances at the window and back to the plane and says" But if you want to complain about the hour delay..Talk to that Bitch in the kitchen"!!!!

[Neapolitan]

What happens when two snails fight?
They slug it out.

Which fight move works best against a pig?
A pork chop.

Why do bears lie in caves?
Because if they did it on the witness stand it would be perjury.

What do you call a fish without an eye?
fsh [pronounced fffffshsh]


you: Have you heard the one about the Panda and the Marmaldon?
an unsuspected friend: No!
you: One day a panda is climbing around in a tree eating and a Marmaldon comes up behind him and says "Hey Panda! You're up in a tree!" Then the Panda turns around looking surprised and says "What the hell is a Marmaldon!?"


A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down, the bartender turns around and stares at the grasshopper and says "I have a drink named after you!" The Grasshopper replies "Oh really, you have a drink named Steve?"


There were two muffins in an oven. The first muffin said "Gee it's getting hot in here!" the second muffin said "Gee I'm a talkin muffin."


George Bush is being briefed on the war in Iraq. One of his aides informs him that four Brazilian soldiers were killed in a suicide attack. "That's terrible!" says the president, "How many is in a brazillian?"