The Official Joke Thread

polyphonic · 05-20-2009, 04:58 PM

A man was talking to his friend,

"Bob, you know how I go on those business trips all the time? Well, I'm waiting in line at the airport and the woman at the ticket counter has this huge nice rack barely hiding behind her low cut shirt and I can't stop looking at it, and by the time I up there instead of asking for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to titsburg'! I was so embarrassed!"

So Bob says,

"That kind of thing happens all the time, why just the other morning I was sitting down at the breakfast table with my wife and I meant to say, 'Honey, baby, sweetheart, could you pass me the salt and pepper, please?' and instead I said, 'Bitch, you're ruining my life!'"

LoathsomePete · 05-21-2009, 04:46 PM

How do you make a woman orgasm?

Who cares?

That joke made me quite popular at work for some reason, it really explained why only one guy actually had a family and the rest were a mixture of alcoholics, drug addicts, and everything inbetween.

NSW · 06-11-2009, 01:35 PM

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in.

I walked in barely awake. She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up. I thought, 'I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be a great day.'

I embraced her and gave her my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She replied, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Women are so mean.

jackhammer · 06-11-2009, 01:50 PM

A girl at work said to me that her breasts were to small so I said that you should get some toilet paper fold it and rub it between them. She asked if that really does work to which I replied-'well look what's it's done to your arse'

Whatsitoosit · 06-11-2009, 03:45 PM

Good stuff, keep em coming people

Zer0 · 07-29-2009, 06:06 PM

If you're American going into a toilet, and you're American coming out of the toilet, what are you while you're in the toilet??

European

sambo · 07-30-2009, 12:53 AM

What do you do when the dish washer is broken? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get to work.

ElephantSack · 08-01-2009, 09:59 AM

A Blonde goes into a library, walks up to the counter and says, "I'D LIKE A CHEESEBURGER WITH FRIES, PLEASE."
The librarian gives her a puzzled look and says, "Ma'am, you're in a library!"
The Blonde shakes her head apologetically and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger with fries, please."

NSW · 10-07-2009, 01:33 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife; and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 4, we have a husband down.'

Ride The Walrus · 10-08-2009, 12:00 PM

Two cows standing in a field one says to the other "Mooo" the other says "I was going to say that!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Forget that why's she out of the kitchen?!

05-20-2009, 04:58 PM	#251 (permalink)
polyphonic Trigger Happy Catalyst Join Date: May 2009 Location: Springfield, Mo. Posts: 62	The Freudian Slip A man was talking to his friend, "Bob, you know how I go on those business trips all the time? Well, I'm waiting in line at the airport and the woman at the ticket counter has this huge nice rack barely hiding behind her low cut shirt and I can't stop looking at it, and by the time I up there instead of asking for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to titsburg'! I was so embarrassed!" So Bob says, "That kind of thing happens all the time, why just the other morning I was sitting down at the breakfast table with my wife and I meant to say, 'Honey, baby, sweetheart, could you pass me the salt and pepper, please?' and instead I said, 'Bitch, you're ruining my life!'" __________________ How quickly I forget that this is meaningless.

05-21-2009, 04:46 PM	#252 (permalink)
LoathsomePete Cardboard Box Realtor Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Hobb's End Posts: 7,648	How do you make a woman orgasm? Who cares? That joke made me quite popular at work for some reason, it really explained why only one guy actually had a family and the rest were a mixture of alcoholics, drug addicts, and everything inbetween. __________________ Last.FM 101 Albums That May Not Change Your Life, But I Really Like And You Might Too

06-11-2009, 01:35 PM	#253 (permalink)
NSW Bigger and Better Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Texas girl living in the UK Posts: 2,596	She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in. I walked in barely awake. She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up. I thought, 'I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be a great day.' I embraced her and gave her my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She replied, 'The egg timer's broken.' Women are so mean. __________________ Hi.

06-11-2009, 01:50 PM	#254 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	A girl at work said to me that her breasts were to small so I said that you should get some toilet paper fold it and rub it between them. She asked if that really does work to which I replied-'well look what's it's done to your arse' __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

06-11-2009, 03:45 PM	#255 (permalink)
Whatsitoosit Bringer of Carrots Join Date: May 2008 Location: New York, NY Posts: 648	Good stuff, keep em coming people __________________ "It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face."

07-29-2009, 06:06 PM	#256 (permalink)
Zer0 ∞ Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 3,792	If you're American going into a toilet, and you're American coming out of the toilet, what are you while you're in the toilet?? European __________________ Last FM \| RYM \| The Final Sound

07-30-2009, 12:53 AM	#257 (permalink)
sambo Groupie Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 10	What do you do when the dish washer is broken? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get to work.

08-01-2009, 09:59 AM	#258 (permalink)
ElephantSack Man vs. Wild Turkey Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: ATX Posts: 948	A Blonde goes into a library, walks up to the counter and says, "I'D LIKE A CHEESEBURGER WITH FRIES, PLEASE." The librarian gives her a puzzled look and says, "Ma'am, you're in a library!" The Blonde shakes her head apologetically and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger with fries, please." __________________ OF THE SUN

10-07-2009, 01:33 PM	#259 (permalink)
NSW Bigger and Better Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Texas girl living in the UK Posts: 2,596	A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife; and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 4, we have a husband down.' __________________ Hi.

10-08-2009, 12:00 PM	#260 (permalink)
Ride The Walrus Groupie Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Widnes,England Posts: 3	Two cows standing in a field one says to the other "Mooo" the other says "I was going to say that!" Why did the woman cross the road? Forget that why's she out of the kitchen?!