The Official Joke Thread

ElephantSack · 05-13-2009, 03:58 PM

What to call a guy with no arms or legs:

In the ocean? Bob.
On the doorstep? Matt.
On the wall? Art.
In a pile of leaves? Russell.

Antonio · 05-13-2009, 04:00 PM

nice^

Freebase Dali · 05-13-2009, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElephantSack

What to call a guy with no arms or legs:

In the ocean? Bob.
On the doorstep? Matt.
On the wall? Art.
In a pile of leaves? Russell.

In a whirlpool? Eddie.

polyphonic · 05-14-2009, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction

I'm offended.

me too man.

hats have no place here

make with the immoral sex jokes ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha poop

SATCHMO · 05-17-2009, 04:28 AM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R" ! , we missed the " R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "

Antonio · 05-17-2009, 01:51 PM

ahahahahahahaha^

333 · 05-17-2009, 07:30 PM

In a monastery on the west coast of Ireland there were two male parrots who all that they did was count the rosary and pray all day long, only stopping to eat or drink.
Word reached the head abbot that there had been two female parrots rescued from a local brothel. From years in the whorehouse, all that these parrots knew how to say was, "**** me. I'm a dirty whore." The chaplain thought that bringing them to the monastery to live might just turn them in the right direction.
On the day that the monks brought them into the monastery and set their cage down next to the praying parrots, the female parrots immediately chimed in, "**** me. I'm a dirty whore."
One male parrot turns his head to the other and says, "Seamus, put down your beads. Our prayers have been answered."

SATCHMO · 05-20-2009, 01:37 AM

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

Unrelenting · 05-20-2009, 11:37 AM

So a guy is getting a present for his wife for her birthday. She told him that she didn't want anything big or special, so he goes to the liquor store and gets her a six pack of beer. As he's walking back home, he runs into a friend.

"What's that you got there?" his friend asks

"Oh, I just got this beer for my wife" he replies

"That's a good trade!"

NSW · 05-20-2009, 11:57 AM

Irish Reunion

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Aye, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would ye have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in
the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head, and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

05-20-2009, 11:57 AM	#250 (permalink)
NSW Bigger and Better Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Texas girl living in the UK Posts: 2,596	Irish Reunion Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Aye, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would ye have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!" About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head, and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again." __________________ Hi.

05-13-2009, 03:58 PM	#241 (permalink)
ElephantSack Man vs. Wild Turkey Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: ATX Posts: 948	What to call a guy with no arms or legs: In the ocean? Bob. On the doorstep? Matt. On the wall? Art. In a pile of leaves? Russell.

05-17-2009, 04:28 AM	#245 (permalink)
SATCHMO Al Dente Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 4,708	A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R" ! , we missed the " R" !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "

05-17-2009, 07:30 PM	#247 (permalink)
333 Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 965	In a monastery on the west coast of Ireland there were two male parrots who all that they did was count the rosary and pray all day long, only stopping to eat or drink. Word reached the head abbot that there had been two female parrots rescued from a local brothel. From years in the whorehouse, all that these parrots knew how to say was, "** me. I'm a dirty whore." The chaplain thought that bringing them to the monastery to live might just turn them in the right direction. On the day that the monks brought them into the monastery and set their cage down next to the praying parrots, the female parrots immediately chimed in, "** me. I'm a dirty whore." One male parrot turns his head to the other and says, "Seamus, put down your beads. Our prayers have been answered."

05-20-2009, 01:37 AM	#248 (permalink)
SATCHMO Al Dente Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 4,708	My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale.

05-20-2009, 11:37 AM	#249 (permalink)
Unrelenting True to username Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,100	So a guy is getting a present for his wife for her birthday. She told him that she didn't want anything big or special, so he goes to the liquor store and gets her a six pack of beer. As he's walking back home, he runs into a friend. "What's that you got there?" his friend asks "Oh, I just got this beer for my wife" he replies "That's a good trade!"