How did the farmer win an award?

He was out standing in his field.

a baby seal walked into a club



ag ag ag!:rofl:

A little boy stumbles into his parents bedroom to find his his mother ****ing a strange man.

Just then his father comes home, and the mother shoves the boy and the man in the closet.

"Sure is dark in here.", the little boy says.
"Yep. Sure is.", says the man.

"I have a baseball.", adds the little boy.
"That's nice, kid.", says the man.

"I'll give it to you for $50.00." the boy said.
"Go to Hell, kid." said the man.

"My Dad owns 3 guns."

"Alright, fine! Here's the 50 bucks"

The nest week, the boy walks into his parents room again and finds his mother with the same man.

Just like before, the father's truck pulls up and they are shuffled into the closet again.

"Sure is dark in here.", says the boy.
"Yep.", says the man.
"I have a baseball glove.", the boy said.
"Alright, how much, ya little ****?", said the man.
"$100"

The nest weekend, the boy's dad asks him if he wants to play some catch. The boy explains that he can't because he sold his ball and mit to a friend.

"For how much?!" says the father.
"$150.", says the boy.
"Boy! You should know better than to hustle your friends! I'm taking you to church right now, so you can repent for your sins!", shouted his father.

So they go to the closest church, and the father throws him in a confessional booth.

"Sure is dark in here.", says the boy.

"Don't start with that **** again.", says the priest.

the post above me is win

Why wasn't the priest molesting the kid?

A girl and her mom are walking through the park when they see two people havin' sex and the girl asks her mom what they were doing. The mom says baking a cake. So the next day the girl goes to her mom and tells her she saw her and dad baking a cake. The mom asked her how she knew and the girl said that she licked the icing off the couch.

What does a penguin drink out of?

A Waddle Bawddle! XDDDD

Because he was too busy molesting the other choir boys!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Buhaha.

Ahh, he was all sleepy and shit. I understand.

A little boy said to his dad : " I wish I was an astronaut. I would have loved to have been shot into space". His dad replied "you would have been if I hadn't of been drunk".

How many rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. one to "drop it" and one to "pickitup pickitup"

What the hardest part about eating rabbit...............When the feet stop hitting you in the forehead.

I have one...this is old greek joke, and I hope it sound as good in english...

The captain of a huge passenger ship, gathers his crew and the passengers, and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, and asked them which they would like to listen to first... A wealthy gentleman steps forward and says: "I think that by hearing the good news first, whatever you have to say afterwords wont sound that bad, so go ahead and tell as the good news..."

"Ok" says the captain, "I believe that we will probably win at least 11 oscars!!!"

I told that joke somewhere else and one girl didn't like it. I knew who I needed to kill at that point.

Take your best shot kid :)

I heard this one today.
Probably old, but it made me chuckle.

A Bear walks into a bar and says to the barman.
"A pint of................................................ ....lager please"

And the barman replied.
"What's with the big pause".

A guy scurries into the psychiatrists office screaming "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"

The psychiatrists says "Calm down! You're two tents."



Badumbum...

A guy walked into a bar.









Ouch

LOLLLLL. good one though.

A child goes to his mother and asks "mommy, i have this brown stuff on my face and i dont know what it is, is it chocolate or dog poop?"
The mother takes a piece of it and puts a bit in her mouth and says, "its chocolate"

i dont get it

Two vampires walk into a bar, one of them orders a glass of hot water. The other turns to him in confusion and asks "Why did you order water?" Smiling the vampire pulls out a tampon with a fresh stain of blood and places it in the glass stirring it with his finger.
"I was in the mood for tea tonight."

hahaha

Dude that's friggin nasty, i love it!

Alright this one is kind of long but it's worth it so keep reading.

So a kid is out shopping with his mum, the kid is about 6 years old so he's still in the impressionable stage of his life. His mum goes into the changing room to try on some dresses and leaves him out in the waiting area. Boredom soon grabs hold of the kid who sees a mannequin wearing a dress, then curiosity takes hold as he begins to pull up the dress to see what's underneath. His mother comes out of the dressing room and sees his hand reaching up the leg and she yells "Jeffrey no! women have teeth there, you'll lose your hand!". Jeffrey quickly retreats his hand and is visibly frightened. His mother scolds him and warns him never to look up a skirt or put his hand there ever again and they go home.

10 years have passed and Jeffrey's parents are now out of town for the weekend, leaving him alone for the first time. He's been homeschooled his entire life but met a girl through a friend and now she's over at his house and making out with him on the couch. After awhile of making out she tells him "you can go a little lower if you want". Jeffrey is not amused with this a boldly states "there's no way in hell I'm going down there, women have teeth there!". The girl is reasonably confused and says "what are you talking about, women don't have teeth in their vagina." Jeffrey's not having it and is convinced that they do and says "yes they do, my mother told me so and my mother would never lie to me." Seeing that she won't be able to convince him otherwise without proof she lifts up her skirt and shows him her vagina and says "see, no teeth." Jeffrey takes a good look and says "yeah well with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised"

Those jokes are just wayyyyy lame I'm sorry to say. But I'm not a big fan of puns.

*spews drink over self*

LOL!


On a average school day I was sitting in my Chemistry class, the lights were off and the overhead gave a burnt out image of the notes for the next quiz. I began to space out, attempting to blot out the horrifying image of Mrs. Kay the 300 pound teacher, squatting over to pick up the next sheet. Shaking her bulbous head, she told Christina; a smug blonde in front of me, to watch the class, and she departed dragging her walrus form with her.

Minutes later, Brady a blonde kid who sat to my right was standing having an arguement with his friend Tom who sat two rows behind, something to do with the "Abe Lincoln" maneuver, it was at that moment that Mrs. Kay walked in.
Spotting her Brady yelled " A WILD SNORLAX APPEARS!"

Tom taking queue from the back responded "I USE A MASTERBALL!"

Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk,

Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.

I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.

I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life.

So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary.

No one will ever understand you. You’re so different.

Signed,

Everyone Not Like You

D: That's fucking awful!

That's a pretty anorexic Snorlax, those buggers weighed at least 600 to 900 lbs.

*Puts on serious face*

I have to agree with Surell though that's pretty mean spirited.

:(

Now I feel like a joik, with a cheesy brooklyn accent and everything.

I'm not denying that that was funny, it sure as hell was. D: = me laughing.

Puns are the ****!

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex watch for my birthday. It was nice of them but I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

a termite walks into a bar and says, ' bar tender?'

Ham sandwich walks into a bar... bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food"

A black kid says, "Mom, I have the biggest d*ck in 3rd grade. It's cuz I'm black huh?"
His mother said "Naw nigga. It's cuz u suppose to be in 8th grade".

one day on the construction site there were three men having lunch on their break. An Italian guy, a Spanish guy and a Polish guy. The Italian guy looks at his lunch and says "Meatball AGAIN!!! damn, if I get meatball tomorrow... I'm jumping off this building". Next the Spanish guy looks at his lunch and says... "Enchiladas again... man, if I have enchiladas tomorrow... I am jumping off this building". Next the Polish guy looks at his lunch and says "Ham and Cheese AGAIN!!! Jeez... if I have Ham n Cheese tomorrow... I too, will jump off this building".

So, the next day the same three guys are having their lunch on the site and the Italian guy opens his lunch and say's... "Ahhh... chicken parm, thank the lord!!!", then the Spanish guy opens his lunch and say's... "YES!!! a Taco salad, praise Jesus!!!", then the Polish guy opens his lunch and says... "F*CK!!! Not Ham and Cheese again!!!" and then he jumps off the building. At this time the Italian guy looks at the Spanish guy and says "I don't get it... he makes his own lunch".

how do you make a sausage roll?

Push it.