A boy and a man are walking in the woods. The boy says, "Mister, I'm scared of the woods." The man replies, "You think you're scared? I gotta walk back by myself!"

A politician is door-to-door canvassing his local area, to drum up some support.

As he approaches one house, he can hear rock music playing really loudly from one of the windows. He knocks on the door and boy, aged about 12, answers the door with a can of beer in one hand and a joint in the other.

"Hello," says the politician "Is your Mum or Dad home?"

"Does it f*cking look like it?" replies the boy.

what do you call a white woman with STD?

cracker with yeast

heyy!! im irish! not fair!

'Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.'

hahah still hilarious tho! xx

What does a Jewish pederast say?

"Hey kid. Wanna buy some candy?"

Ask someone: "What's perfect pitch?"
If they reply with "I don't know" then they probably won't get it. If they reply with something like "It's when you can hear a note and know exactly what it is," then continue with the punchline; "Oh, right, because I always thought it was the ability to throw a viola dead centre into a toilet bowl."

What do you do with someone who can't play an instrument? Give them two sticks and call them a drummer. What do you do with someone who can't drum? Take away one stick and call them a conductor.

Made one up. And it's pretty bad:


Where do the church get its instruments from?

The organ donor.



But then again, I love bad jokes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He always lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

what happens when you throw a piano down a minshaft?

A Flat Miner

:laughing:

Hey, you stole my joke, you bastard! :p:

What is a walk through (such as an online gaming video) that gets you nowhere?

Answer: A nowhere through.

:baseball:

What.

That reminds me of this one joke...

Q: What do you call a cat with no tail?
A: Cat with no tail.

:laughing:

A bear walks into a bar.
Bartender: "What'll it be?"
Bear: "I'll have a scotch............................................ .................and soda."
Bartender: "Why the big pause?"

ba da boom :laughing:

Hey Janszoon, your new avatar is ba da boom too. :laughing:

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't try to start anything!"

;)

what is the difference between a scientist using chicken as lab rats and a lawyer?

that scientist has cluckers for science

the lawyer has suckers for clients

A guy walks into a photo developing lab to pick up some photos he'd taken of his naked wife.
The guy behind the counter smiles at him while he hands them over and says "Would you like the negatives?"
"Yes please," he said sheepishly.
"Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."

I was at the beach today & Beth Ditto approached me & asked me to rub some sun cream on her back.
I explained to her I was only there for the day.

:laughing::clap:

A blonde orders a grapefruit soda at a restaurant. The waiter brings it to her table and she asks "why isn't it purple?"

When you're using a garden hose and it seems as if there is something blocking it, have a listen, and if you hear music and a wee voice singing, 'hey you've really got me going', then there's a kink in it.

................... Wow.....jus.....just..........wow.

I would use this over and over again but nobody would even get it :(

Dunno if I've posted this.


What's the difference between football and Madeline McCann?


Footballs coming home.

why do penguins walk softly?

Because they can't hardly walk

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

:laughing: that's bloody hilarious. Honestly I don't think anybody should expect someone to be able to differentiate between regional accents, especially a Welsh accent which sounds pretty similar to an average English accent.

i apologise in advance but,

'i went into the butchers the other day, i said 'have you got a sheeps head?' he said 'yes' i said 'put it in a bag for for me'

I said 'i want some bacon' he said 'lean back?' i said 'no, smoked middle'

So, outside the butchers there was this lovely little dog tied to a lamp post, i said to the fella 'does your dog bite?' he said 'no' so i stroked it and 'gnarr!' it bit me, i said 'i thought he didn't bite?!! He said 'i'm terribly sorry he must have distemper'

A woman is trying to smoke a cigarette in front of a crowded bus stop and it's raining. A woman beside her begins smoking a cigarette as well, but first, she takes a condom, snips off the end of it, and covers her cigarette from the rain with it.

The woman having difficulty with her cigarette in the rain thought that this was a good idea and walks to the nearest drug store and asks the clerk for a condom.

The clerk then asked: "what size would you like? We have small, medium, large, and extra large."

The woman thought for a moment, then she responded "Well, I guess that it would have to be big enough to fit a camel..."

Beastiality jokes :band:

What the hell makes Hugo so important that everyone has to stop what they're doing whenever he's around?

I'm going to go with short, cheesy ones:

How did the broom get a girlfriend? He swept her off his feet.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom? Because the p is silent.

Hugo?!?!?

Is it why "can't you bear" or "why can't you hear?"

Some corny nonsense.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- Because it was dead.

A man is sitting at a bus stop, looking upset. Another man sits next to him, and after a minute, he says, "Hey friend. You look upset. What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," says the man, "I went into the bus stop to get my ticket. The woman at the desk had the most gorgeous breasts you've ever seen, and it was everything I could do not to stare at them. When she asked how she could help me, I meant to ask if I could have one ticket to Pittsburgh, and asked if I could have one picket to Tittsburgh, and she looked at me like I was the scum of the Earth."

"Oh, I understand completely," the other man said, "That's called a Freudian slip. I've done that before"

"Yeah?" asked the other man, feeling that he could have another person to commiserate with, "What did you say?"

"Well, I meant to ask my wife to pass the potatoes, but what came out was, 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life.' "

:confused:

Halt! Hugo's there.