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-   -   The Official Joke Thread (https://www.musicbanter.com/games-lists-jokes-polls/38842-official-joke-thread.html)

djchameleon 06-24-2011 09:08 AM

if you have any other jokes, just post them in this thread

http://www.musicbanter.com/games-lis...thread-36.html

Urban Hat€monger ? 06-24-2011 09:12 AM

I doubt he does now that he has his 16 posts.

[MERIT] 06-24-2011 06:02 PM

What do a man who is sexually aroused by leap years, and an Asian politician have in common?

Every four years, they have a big erection.

richie1 06-24-2011 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oojay (Post 1076333)
What do a man who is sexually aroused by leap years, and an Asian politician have in common?

Every four years, they have a big erection.

Now THAT was funny!

[MERIT] 06-24-2011 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by richie1 (Post 1076341)
Now THAT was funny!

I came up with it, and I think it to be the funniest, most clever thing to ever leave my lips. It's all down hill from here.

djchameleon 07-21-2011 06:31 AM

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse, all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash". "WoW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"

Granny says with her last dying breath. "It's on my Facebook."

Electrophonic Tonic 07-21-2011 08:54 PM

I posted this in the youtube video thread, but I fits better here.


LoathsomePete 07-21-2011 09:35 PM

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra

djchameleon 07-21-2011 11:31 PM

Respect your elders.

The story begins with a lawyer and a senior citizen sitting next to each other on a long airplane flight. The lawyer is thinking that senior citizens are dumb. He is feeling so superior and thought he could get one over on one easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Howard the Duck 09-02-2011 12:00 PM

thread bump, as I've just recollected this one:-

a milionaire socialite throws a "human emotion" party, all attendees must come as an emotion in order to gain admission

first one up is a guy all in green with the alphabets "N" and "V" on his chest

he says "i'm green with envy" so the millionaire lets him in

second one is a girl in pink with huge feathers under her armpits

she says "i'm tickled pink", so she gets in also

third are two NY cab drivers, one with his dick in a pear, and the other with his dick in a bowl of custard

the millionaire is shocked and asks them to go away

the cab driver says "i have come in dis pear (despair) and my friend is fucking dis custard (disgusted)"

Mykonos 09-07-2011 03:12 PM

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

djhavik@hotmail.co.uk 09-08-2011 10:32 AM

Lmaoo at all of these..

roberttrailer 09-14-2011 01:12 AM

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? << -Shudders-
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
@_@

Thom Yorke 09-21-2011 04:43 PM

A man walks into a bar. Except this bar was a metal bar, like a pole. Anyways, he got hurt.

Three guys walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid and the scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Congratulations, Amy Whinehouse: sober for 60 days and counting.

Q: What is black and hangs from trees in my backyard?
A: Blackberries

Most men think the bigger the penis they have, the more pleasure they can give to a woman. Most women don't agree because they don't have a penis.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are standing on the edge of a cliff. The Englishman and the Irishman jump off. The Scottsman says, "Oh, ****!"

Three black guys sit down to have lunch at the basketball court. One black man reaches in his pack and pulls out a watermelon. The second black man reaches in his basket and pulls out some fried chicken and a pan of cornbread. They both look expectantly towards their friend as he opens up his pack. Right as he opens it, however, his cell phone goes off. Upon completing the call, he hangs up and looks at his two friends. "My financial aid got approved, guys!" he exclaims. Both of his friends congratulate him on finally making it to college. They are so proud.

Thom Yorke 09-21-2011 05:05 PM

Joe goes next door to greet his new neighbour. The two men hit it off and when the topic of occupation comes up, the neighbour said he was a statistician.

"What does that mean?" says Joe.

"Well, let me show you," says the neighbour. "Do you have a doghouse, Joe?"

"Why, yes I do."

"Ok, I'm going to assume that because you have a doghouse, it's pretty likely you have a dog, correct?"

"Yes, I do have a dog."

"Well, if you have a dog I'm led to believe you probably have a family as well."

"Yes, that's true."

"And if you have a family I'm inclined to believe you're married."

"Yep."

"And if you're married, I think it's safe to assume you're heterosexual?"

"Yes."

"See," says the neighbour. "Just by asking whether or not you had a doghouse, I was able to infer what your sexuality was through statistics."

The two men talked a bit more and then Joe left for work. Throughout the day he was very intrigued with what his neighbour had talked about so he decided to talk about it with a man he sat next to on the bus-ride home.

"Hey, man," says Joe. "Do you know anything about statisticians?"

"No," says the man. "What do they do?"

"Well, here, let me show you," says Joe. "Do you happen to own a doghouse?"

"No," says the man.

"Oh, so you're one of those homos, huh?"

Thom Yorke 09-29-2011 12:26 PM

"My cock is bigger!" "No! My cock is bigger!"- Two cock fighters arguing about who has a bigger dick

"Do you know how fast you were going, sir?" - Cop who forgot his radar gun at home

"Nothing beats waking up early to go to the airport." – A guy playing a board game who just played his “waking up early to go to the airport” card, which trumps all

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Some dick trying their very best to make you cry

Howard the Duck 09-29-2011 05:23 PM

Q. what the rat get for his birthday?

A. a bicycle

Q. if there are two holes in the wall, how you do know which one is the rat hole?

A. the one with the bicycle parked next to it

lucifer_sam 10-03-2011 11:29 AM

My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a slimming club.

If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.

CanwllCorfe 12-21-2011 04:10 PM

One day a Jewish boy asked his father for money. He asked "Father, lend me fifty dollars!" His father replied, "Fourty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Salami 12-22-2011 04:40 AM

I was really late for a meeting. I was driving around outside the building trying to park, but I couldn't find a place anywhere. Everywhere was really busy and there were cars everywhere.
In desperation, I turned to God: "Holy Father, Please help me out and give me a place to park. If you do, I shall forever afterwards be your servant and worship you every day".

Sure enough, a car just left a spot right outside the building.

"Oh wait, never mind God, I just spotted one."

Frownland 12-23-2011 09:24 AM

Marijuana is illegal in many places.

neverasitseems 01-05-2012 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoathsomePete (Post 626684)
Dude that's friggin nasty, i love it!

Alright this one is kind of long but it's worth it so keep reading.

So a kid is out shopping with his mum, the kid is about 6 years old so he's still in the impressionable stage of his life. His mum goes into the changing room to try on some dresses and leaves him out in the waiting area. Boredom soon grabs hold of the kid who sees a mannequin wearing a dress, then curiosity takes hold as he begins to pull up the dress to see what's underneath. His mother comes out of the dressing room and sees his hand reaching up the leg and she yells "Jeffrey no! women have teeth there, you'll lose your hand!". Jeffrey quickly retreats his hand and is visibly frightened. His mother scolds him and warns him never to look up a skirt or put his hand there ever again and they go home.

10 years have passed and Jeffrey's parents are now out of town for the weekend, leaving him alone for the first time. He's been homeschooled his entire life but met a girl through a friend and now she's over at his house and making out with him on the couch. After awhile of making out she tells him "you can go a little lower if you want". Jeffrey is not amused with this a boldly states "there's no way in hell I'm going down there, women have teeth there!". The girl is reasonably confused and says "what are you talking about, women don't have teeth in their vagina." Jeffrey's not having it and is convinced that they do and says "yes they do, my mother told me so and my mother would never lie to me." Seeing that she won't be able to convince him otherwise without proof she lifts up her skirt and shows him her vagina and says "see, no teeth." Jeffrey takes a good look and says "yeah well with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised"


Yeah, so obviously I'm new here since I'm just reading this one now, but I will say that if you like this joke, watch the movie "Teeth"... and yes, it's a real movie...

The Monkey 01-07-2012 07:16 AM

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?
Crackers with cheese.

FETCHER. 01-15-2012 03:07 PM

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Football?

Football's comin' home.

Frownland 02-01-2012 04:40 PM

People with a Cockney accent never really do h (as in heroin). A lot of people think that it's the same in Mexico and Spain, but they actually just roll it into their j's.

Scarlett O'Hara 02-04-2012 05:21 AM

I made this up myself, lame I know:

What is it called when a prositute has PMS?

WHORE MOANS

someonecompletelyrandom 02-04-2012 08:20 AM

:laughing:

Thom Yorke 02-07-2012 09:43 PM

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger." - Stephen Hawking trying out irony

"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" - Stupidest king ever

"A kingdom! A kingdom! My horse for a kingdom!" - Guy who earlier impulsively traded his kingdom for a horse

In the Captain's defense, "Women and children first" is highly sexist and ageist.

If I had a dollar for every Jew joke somebody made about me, I'd take that money and invest it wisely.

Piotr_13 02-12-2012 05:22 AM

What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a dinosaur?

A LICKALOTAPUS

Howard the Duck 02-12-2012 05:36 AM

what do you call a gay dinosaur?

Mega-sore-ass

(Megasaurus)

ThePhanastasio 02-19-2012 04:29 PM

In very poor taste, but...

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a child?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Bloozcrooz 02-19-2012 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThePhanastasio (Post 1156709)
In very poor taste, but...

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a child?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Thats morbidly hilarious!!!

Lisnaholic 02-19-2012 04:50 PM

Hey! It`s good to see that you`re back, Bloozcrooz ! I hope everything is well with you ; where`ve you been ?

Oh, and my joke, which is also a beginner`s guide to music:-
If a musician is playing three chords in front of a thousand people, it`s rock.
If a musician is playing a thousand chords in front of three people, it`s jazz.

Bloozcrooz 02-19-2012 04:59 PM

Hey Lisnaholic! Good to see ya as well. I liked how ya zinged that one in there. It got a laugh out of me. Hope your doing ok

Lisnaholic 02-19-2012 05:08 PM

Glad you liked it - one of about two jokes that I know.
You missed all the end-of-year/Valentine`s Day excitement here, and I missed all your SRV clips !

Bloozcrooz 02-19-2012 05:11 PM

End of the year excitment huh? Hmm..yeah ive been away for a while. Ill try an dig up some more good Stevie clips for ya soon though.

Frownland 02-19-2012 06:42 PM

Everyone feels sorry for Whitney Houston, but she's been doing pretty good IMO. Sober for eight days and counting.




















Too soon?

Howard the Duck 02-19-2012 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThePhanastasio (Post 1156709)
In very poor taste, but...

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a child?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

i've already posted that some pages earlier


Quote:

Originally Posted by Bloozcrooz (Post 1156710)
Thats morbidly hilarious!!!

yeah wb to MB, bloozcrooz

where ya been?

this is Il Duce here, btw

Bloozcrooz 02-19-2012 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Howard the Duck (Post 1156770)
i've already posted that some pages earlier




yeah wb to MB, bloozcrooz

where ya been?

this is Il Duce here, btw

Oh...its a long story man but its good to see ya!!

iluvwubs 03-14-2012 05:11 PM

What's pink and covered in rust.

Madeleine Mccann's bike.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frownland (Post 1156769)
Everyone feels sorry for Whitney Houston, but she's been doing pretty good IMO. Sober for eight days and counting.

Too soon?

I would have told a joke contrasting the deaths of Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson, but its a bit too off color.


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