Hey bad joke time (guitarist, irish, guitar)

right-track · 11-20-2007, 01:59 AM

Here's a couple I got as phone text that made me laugh out loud;

With recent divorce proceedings and the increased negative media attention, Heather Mills was described by analysts as being unstable.
Paul McCartney said, "a couple of beer mats usually does the trick!".

An elderly couple are attending Sunday church, when half way through the sermon the old lady whispers to her husband, "I think I've just done a silent but deadly fart...what should I do?"
The old man replies, "Buy some new batteries for that fuckin' hearing aid!"

billyjerome · 11-20-2007, 02:03 AM

How do you punish Helen Keller for bad behavior?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Joshee · 11-20-2007, 03:25 AM

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
Let the women cook in the dark.

phantonic_plague · 11-20-2007, 06:22 AM

ok, this one was on a laffy taffy i ate the other day...
What do a racoon and a tv have in common?

A lot.

-that was the answer, really. kudos to whoever wrote that in and actually got it on the wrapper. can anyone come up with an explaination?

anticipation · 11-20-2007, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frances

Ok, a seedy old man is parked outside the primary school, Johnny walks out and the man says, "Hey kid, I'll give you a mars bar if you come in my car"
and Johnny replies, "Give me the whole packet mister and I'll *** in your fucking mouth!"

is this supposed to be me?

okay so,
a couple goes in to see a priest about getting married
and the groom asks the priest
"is it okay to have sex before marriage?"
and the priest responds
"as long as it doesn't delay the ceremony".

~~CAPTAIN CAVEMAN~~ · 11-20-2007, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshee

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
Let the women cook in the dark.

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Laces Out Dan! · 11-20-2007, 10:59 PM

Why cant Helen Keller drive?

Cause she's a woman.

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing because you already told her twice.

Wanna hear a good joke?

Women's Rights.

right-track · 11-21-2007, 12:13 PM

Why did God create woman?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Voice_of_the_Soul12,13,01 · 11-21-2007, 03:10 PM

A breakcore guitarist and a fan after a concert;

Fan- Wow, you are so amazing, man!
Guitarist- Yeah, I'm so brootal. I love playing and all that good stuff. Man, feel this (holds out his index finger)
Fan- Wow, man. It's all blistered and calloused and stuff.
Guitarist- yea, all from my extreme playing.
Fan- Wait why aren't your other fingers just as rough?
Guitarist- Why would they be?

Necromancer · 11-21-2007, 03:13 PM

My wife asked me if we could go somwhere she's never been before for our anniversary. I replied, "why dont you try the kitchen".

11-20-2007, 02:03 AM	#12 (permalink)
billyjerome Audio Slave Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 454	How do you punish Helen Keller for bad behavior? Leave the plunger in the toilet. __________________

11-20-2007, 10:59 PM	#17 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	Why cant Helen Keller drive? Cause she's a woman. What do you say to a girl with two black eyes? Nothing because you already told her twice. Wanna hear a good joke? Women's Rights. __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

11-21-2007, 03:10 PM	#19 (permalink)
Voice_of_the_Soul12,13,01 #1 Schuldinist. Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 420	A breakcore guitarist and a fan after a concert; Fan- Wow, you are so amazing, man! Guitarist- Yeah, I'm so brootal. I love playing and all that good stuff. Man, feel this (holds out his index finger) Fan- Wow, man. It's all blistered and calloused and stuff. Guitarist- yea, all from my extreme playing. Fan- Wait why aren't your other fingers just as rough? Guitarist- Why would they be? __________________ I don't mean to dwell But I can't help myself When I feel the vibe And taste a memory Of a time in life When years seemed to stand still

11-20-2007, 01:59 AM	#11 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	Here's a couple I got as phone text that made me laugh out loud; With recent divorce proceedings and the increased negative media attention, Heather Mills was described by analysts as being unstable. Paul McCartney said, "a couple of beer mats usually does the trick!". An elderly couple are attending Sunday church, when half way through the sermon the old lady whispers to her husband, "I think I've just done a silent but deadly fart...what should I do?" The old man replies, "Buy some new batteries for that fuckin' hearing aid!"

11-20-2007, 03:25 AM	#13 (permalink)
Joshee Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Under a big top. Posts: 142	How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Let the women cook in the dark.

11-20-2007, 06:22 AM	#14 (permalink)
phantonic_plague Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 9	ok, this one was on a laffy taffy i ate the other day... What do a racoon and a tv have in common? A lot. -that was the answer, really. kudos to whoever wrote that in and actually got it on the wrapper. can anyone come up with an explaination?

11-21-2007, 12:13 PM	#18 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

11-21-2007, 03:13 PM	#20 (permalink)
Necromancer Divination Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2,655	My wife asked me if we could go somwhere she's never been before for our anniversary. I replied, "why dont you try the kitchen".