offensive jokes *giggles* (Kiss, review, quote, hands)

Raine · 09-02-2006, 03:40 AM

Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life (or something like that)

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

I've never been to a hair dresser before so i don't know if that comment is accurate.
And I wholeheartedly detest my banker. It always leads to me going back to family for money or me having to get a job.

But I'll take guy number seven. even if he's blonde. And no matter what he looks like.

Raine · 09-02-2006, 05:54 AM

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."

The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

Raine · 09-02-2006, 05:58 AM

You guys suck if you've never heard this joke/story before.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Anonymous response:

Ok, here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!

"So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named ***got and we took this cardboard tube..."

"First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy **** after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family

Blain · 09-18-2006, 06:32 AM

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw em. *Cool drum noise*

half_baked87 · 09-18-2006, 09:06 PM

polish bank robbery. tied up the safe and blew the guard.

sleepy jack · 09-29-2006, 01:39 PM

AsOceanaSleeps (7:53:25 PM): did you know beer contains female hormones?
xgreateromaha (7:53:34 PM): REALLY?! =O
AsOceanaSleeps (7:53:41 PM): yeah
xgreateromaha (7:53:46 PM): zomg!
AsOceanaSleeps (7:53:50 PM): if you drink too much you start talking shit and drive like crap

bruise_violet · 09-29-2006, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

AsOceanaSleeps (7:53:25 PM): did you know beer contains female hormones?
xgreateromaha (7:53:34 PM): REALLY?! =O
AsOceanaSleeps (7:53:41 PM): yeah
xgreateromaha (7:53:46 PM): zomg!
AsOceanaSleeps (7:53:50 PM): if you drink too much you start talking shit and drive like crap

Hahahahaha LOVE IT

Blain · 10-05-2006, 03:40 AM

How many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends how hard you throw em! doo duu tish!

Alo · 10-05-2006, 10:09 AM

^You just posted that before.

Blain · 10-05-2006, 06:08 PM

Haha so I did lol, sorry

09-02-2006, 03:40 AM	#391 (permalink)
Raine Full-Time Hellion Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: PA Posts: 1,531	Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life (or something like that) 1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" 4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" 6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" 7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!" I've never been to a hair dresser before so i don't know if that comment is accurate. And I wholeheartedly detest my banker. It always leads to me going back to family for money or me having to get a job. But I'll take guy number seven. even if he's blonde. And no matter what he looks like. __________________ A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

09-02-2006, 05:54 AM	#392 (permalink)
Raine Full-Time Hellion Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: PA Posts: 1,531	The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal." __________________ A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

09-02-2006, 05:58 AM	#393 (permalink)
Raine Full-Time Hellion Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: PA Posts: 1,531	You guys suck if you've never heard this joke/story before. "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Anonymous response: Ok, here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story: "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!! "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love." People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named *got and we took this cardboard tube..." "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy ** after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts." What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this? This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family __________________ A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

10-05-2006, 10:09 AM	#399 (permalink)
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Location: Brighton, UK Posts: 715	^You just posted that before. __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

09-18-2006, 06:32 AM	#394 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw em. Cool drum noise

09-18-2006, 09:06 PM	#395 (permalink)
half_baked87 sammichestime Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 380	polish bank robbery. tied up the safe and blew the guard.

10-05-2006, 03:40 AM	#398 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	How many babies does it take to paint a barn? Depends how hard you throw em! doo duu tish!

10-05-2006, 06:08 PM	#400 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	Haha so I did lol, sorry