Raine

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't **** her."

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

TrampInaTux

I actually laughed out loud then. I'll quote it, but I'm not giving raine credit.

Raine

As you guys know I have a thing for dumb blonde jokes.
here are some of the best ones I've ever heard

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she'll be ready to blow.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
(one of my favorites)

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told them never to speak to strangers.

It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
(well i thought it was funny)

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.

Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

feels good to be asian

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

sleepy jack

Oh god, those were great hahahaha.

__________________

Raine

Oh I've got tons more

Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room?
A: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small
(this is wrong on so many levels)

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men

Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A: Practice.

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
(this is classic)

Q: What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
A: They both go down easy.
This one's for MJ

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

and those are allt he ones I can think of at the moment.

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Raine

I'll give the dumb blonde jokes a rest.
And for the record I do have a strong dislike for blondes, but just know it wasn't always so as a few years ago I was blonde for a day and I now know what it feels like to not be taken seriously.

Here's a good one though. This one is geared towards as guy (as in you usually hear guys tell this joke to other guys)

The Italian says, "When I’vea finished a makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah ’ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Brit says, "Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shagging my bird, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof!"

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Raine

One of the dirtiest (but classic) jokes I know

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Raine

After the next few I gotta post some that appeal more to females cause the next few I post are gonna be a tad bit. . . . wrong in so many ways

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the ****'s he gonna ***
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Raine

I must painfully say I cannot think of any funny jokes that some oft he ladies here might enjoy. And this is not a joke towards dumb blondes. Just stupid women.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Raine

Now I'm just posting (random) jokes out of boredom

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche