The Music Banter Members' Journals Monthly Update Thread

[Trollheart]

Speaking of being universally liked, you can't help but love

(Yeah, I know: queer...)
His pithy insults, often corny jokes and obsession with comics led him to create a journal based on same (comics, not insults: don't go getting any ideas, Batty!) but I remember this one from his heyday, and I really wish he'd get back to it and put The Kings of Metal out of their misery. What about it, Bats?
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...t-schemes.html hasn't been updated now since August 2013, and currently languishes on the bottom of the fifth page (probably moved to the sixth by the time this is published), but here's an example of his writing. This is, in fact, the last entry made by him in the journal, and left us all hanging.
[QUOTE=The Batlord;1357885]

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VIII

` ` `The journey to the goblins' lair after our capture was long and arduous. Our hands were bound behind our backs and we were driven before the whips of our captors as they mocked us and our "poseur faggot metal". For long hours we marched and stumbled through the cold night of the valley in the midst of the Mountains of Madness, exhausted but with heads stoically held high in defiance as True Metalheads. It wasn't until the early, pre-dawn hours of the morning that we finally arrived at the mouth of a great cave carved into the flank of a towering mountain.

` ` `Then the goblin chieftain called a halt to the long column and we were brought forward. Turning to us with its cruel eyes leering from beneath its wolf-head headdress, it spoke to us with mockery, "It's time, True Metalhead poseurs. Now the witch shall proclaim the Prophet's judgement and you will suffer and die for your crimes."

` ` `I gave him a look of bored disdain and said, "I just hope this 'Prophet' fellow's judgement'll be that you have to wash that raccoon on your head. I don't know who gave who the fleas, but you need to get that shit taken care of."

` ` `Its eyes blazed with murder, but after a few moments the goblin turned and walked stiffly toward the cave. But as I moved to follow, it suddenly spun around and delivered a vicious backhand across my face that sent me sprawling to the ground.
` ` `A corner of its mouth twisted into a sneer as it gazed down at me, "Poseur faggots like you should guard their tongues around a Trve Kvltist of the Highest Kaliber such as myself."

` ` `Rolling into a sitting position, I spat blood onto the ground and shot back, "Maybe the Prophet could tell you to hit the gym too. You hit like a bitch."

` ` `Its mouth quivered with rage, but the goblin said simply, "You won't be making jokes for long," and then turned and stalked away.

` ` `The mouth of the cave opened onto a large chamber made of sandy-colored stone. The stalactites on the ceiling dripped with water, but the stalagmites on the floor had been shattered, making the ground relatively clear. The chamber led into a system of natural tunnels ranging from narrow, claustrophobic passages to great, echoing caverns that were dimly lit by the wavering flames of torches set into wall-mounted brackets. Over everything hung the stench of filthy, unwashed bodies, waste, and death, and from everywhere sounded the aural blitzkriegs of Beherit, Emperor, Abruptum, and countless others all vying for dominance.
` ` `Goblins infested every inch of the caves. They stood against the walls as we passed, eyeing us with malice. Some took no notice of us, too busy quarreling with each other over food or other petty squabbles. We quickly lost count of the many bodies that lay ignored by their fellows.
` ` `Many corridors had entrances in the walls leading to "rooms" where goblins wielding a multitude of exotic instruments of torture exacted what must have been their own sadistic forms of punishment on others of their kind for unknown crimes. The floors of these chambers were slick with blood and carpeted with gore and severed body parts. Screams of anguish echoed off the walls, making a cacophony of torment.
` ` `Even more horrible were the rooms filled with hideous, writhing masses of copulating goblins. There was a far greater number of males than females (or at least what passes for goblin females) and so brawls erupted constantly, ending with the victor mating with its prize, often times even on top of the dead or dying body of its rival. But sometimes there was peace, and the males swarmed a single female, taking their pleasure however and where ever they could. It was almost impossible to distinguish the moans of ecstasy from the cries of agony.

` ` `Without drawing attention to himself as we were led down a passageway, Oscar crept up next to me and, while looking straight ahead, whispered, "It appears that you have more in common with these creatures than we thought. Their appetite for debauchery rivals even your own, my friend."

` ` `"You can shut right the fuck up, you tampon. I'm gonna need to get tit-fucked by at least two hookers just to get that image-you know what? No. I don't even wanna think about group sex right now."

` ` `"It is a miracle."

` ` `"Shut up, Oscar."

` ` `We were interrupted by a furtive whisper from Joey directly behind us, "Dudes, what I wanna know is who the fuck are 'the witch' and 'the prophet'? Do you think they're Tipper Gore and the First?"

` ` `"Perhaps," considered Oscar, "Although I am somewhat mystified as to why the sorceress would transport us all the way from the Desert of Nephren-Ka just to have us captured by such lowly thugs."

` ` `"And besides," interjected Kerry, who was now on my other side, "Trve Kvltists would rather remove their own ribs with a rusty butter knife just to they could castrate themselves with their teeth than serve a poseur."

` ` `"Dude, goblins are fucking stupid," I responded, "It wouldn't be that hard to manipulate them with a little magical whim-wham."

` ` `"Shut the fuck up!" bellowed one of our guards, "Poseur faggots only speak when spoken too!"

` ` `"What? My friend was speaking to me."

` ` `A crack of the goblin's whip made me consider that perhaps discretion might be the better part of valor in this case.

` ` `"Pussy."

` ` `Crack!

` ` `I'm a slow learner.

` ` `Soon we were led through a small, unassuming passageway into a cavernous chamber that soared high above our heads. It was even wider than it was lofty and lined with what must have been hundreds of blazing torches that illuminated all but the highest reaches of the stone ceiling. And reaching down, like the fangs of some colossal, savage beast, were long stalactites from which were suspended on dozens of nearly one hundred foot-long chains the severed heads of countless goblins. The chains hung down to within ten feet of the rocky floor, and each sported at least twenty vicious meat hooks. The heads, some fresh, some putrefying, their screams forever frozen on their ugly faces, were impaled on these grisly hooks through the eyes, the mouth, the base of the neck, or where ever their tormentor's whimsy had taken them to. Underneath the ghastly chains formed pools of blood, pus, and other vile fluids better left unidentified. If our senses of smell hadn't already been numb the stench would have left us heaving the contents of our stomachs onto the rocks.
` ` `And gathered inside the immense cavern, under the heads, stood hundreds, thousands of goblins, jeering at us, hurling stones, throwing their heads back to make bestial howls of frenzied bloodlust.

` ` `Taking in the horrific scene with an expression of wide-eyed dismay, Oscar whispered, "This is more than just a single goblin tribe. There are far, far more here than can survive off of the pickings of this one valley. And who knows how far these caves stretch beneath the mountain. Or if there are other hidden enclaves such as this. This...this is an army."

` ` `"I don't know who this 'Prophet' is," I replied, "But he must be one hell of a motherfucker to be able to put all this shit together. Getting goblins to work together is like herding cats."

` ` `Our captors were leading us toward the center of the vast chamber, where, partially obscured through the veil of gently swinging heads and softly clinking chains, was a large boulder that rose almost twenty feet into the air. A wide staircase had been crudely carved into the rock that rose up to a wide, flat top that formed a crude platform from where one would have an unobstructed view of the entirety of the chamber.

` ` `Well, nearly unobstructed. The heads and all.

` ` `Near the base of the boulder, our "escort" halted. Then without warning the goblin guards behind us shoved us to our knees and commanded us to be silent and still. The goblin chieftain stepped forward to within ten feet of the staircase, dropped to one knee, and declared, "Oh, great witch, I have brought you four True Metalhead poseurs. I humbly beseech you to proclaim the judgement of the Prophet on these poseur heretics in the name of Trve Kvlt metal."

` ` `And then from the opposite end of the boulder platform came the scrape of steel-shod boots on stone, and a contingent of ten hulking, heavily-armed and armored goblin warriors with grim, foreboding expressions on their cruel faces rose from what was apparently a corresponding staircase. They marched in two ranks of five, and between them was quite possibly the ugliest creature I had ever seen.
` ` `She was an ancient, shriveled crone of a goblin: her entire body was a twisted knot of gnarled, arthritic limbs and fingers; her back was so hunched that she walked nearly doubled over on her crooked cane; her left leg was lame and she dragged it behind her, giving her an awkward, shambling gait; what remained of her wispy, snow white hair fell in a tangle over a cadaverous face that had had all of the flesh boiled away, leaving nothing but sallow skin, caked in filth and covered in festering lesions, pulled tight over her skull.
` ` `But in her eyes burned a malignant intelligence that had lost none of its vitality over the countless years of her existence. The only clothing that she wore was a foul, tattered rag that had once been a dress, and a necklace that seemed to be made out of finger bones. Her trembling right arm clutched her cane, but her left cradled something against her withered body, as if she were carrying an infant.
` ` `When the crone, the witch surely, and her guards reached the edge of the platform overlooking my companions and I, the twisted old hag gazed down at us with a malevolence so profound that even a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself became slightly unnerved. Then she turned to the chieftain, still kneeling, and spoke in a shrill voice, brittle with age...

` ` `"What are these worthless insects? Where did you find them?"

` ` `"Great witch, these poseurs were caught trespassing in our valley, and when we attempted to apprehend them they murdered countless of our Trve Kvlt brothers."

` ` `"You were right to bring them here. However," she croaked, her eyes boring into the chieftain who cringed in fear, "Those shirts defile this sacred place. How dare you bring them into the presence of the Prophet, you witless fool?!"

` ` `In terror the chieftain flung himself to the ground and sniveled and pleaded, "Great witch! Please forgive my failure! I live only to serve the Prophet!"

` ` `"Silence! I shall deal with you later. Perhaps you will learn to think once I have removed a bit of your skin."

` ` `And then she turned back to us...

` ` `"HUMAN FILTH! HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE OUR SANCTUM WITH YOUR POSEUR LIES! YOU WILL SUFFER YOUR YOUR CRIMES! DO YOU HEAR ME?! IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET YOU WILL SUFFER! AND YOU WILL SUFFER! AND YOU WILL SUFFER! AND THEN YOU SHALL BEG FOR DEATH!!!"

` ` `We were all taken aback by the sheer vehemence of her hateful ranting. Even the rest of the goblins looked shocked.

` ` `The witch was trembling as she regained her composure. Eventually she took a deep breath and spoke in a voice that was calm but filled with no less venom, "In days long past, your kind murdered our people and drove us off of our ancestral lands. You left us to eke out our wretched existence on the edges of the world. You stole our heritage. You stole our future. And now you invade the pitiful little scrap that you have left us with?"
` ` `Her lip curled into a sneer, "But the Prophet has shown his chosen people the truth of Trve Kvlt metal, and he was shown us the heresy of 'True Metal'. Though 'false metal' is closer to the truth. And he has laid bare your kind's unholy union with the Jews that you would hide from the world."

` ` `"The Jews?!" I cried in disbelief, "What the fuck are you on, you crazy old bitch?!"

` ` `I was silenced by a blow from one of my guards.

` ` `"Lies!" shrieked the witch, "The Prophet has shown us everything! You are naught but slaves of the Zionists! You would engulf the world in the filth of Jewish poseurdom! But the Prophet has gathered his people and made of us a great army. By his command we shall sweep down upon the human filth that has contaminated this land with their inferior blood and carry out his blessed will, wiping false metal and Zionism from the face of the Earth. And then we shall take back what is rightfully ours!"

` ` `With a deafening roar, the goblin horde erupted, "DEATH TO ZOG! DEATH TO ZOG! DEATH TO ZOG!"

` ` `Then with a flourish the witch uncurled her left arm from her breast and thrust it out over the edge of the rock, over the heads of the vile gathering. Clutched in her skeletal hand, held up by its hair, was a severed human head.
` ` `Immediately, every goblin in the vast cavern snapped to attention and thrust out their right arms, holding them rigidly before them with the fingers extended in a straight line pointing directly at the witch and her gruesome prize. "ZIEG HEIL!!!" they roared as one, and the massive underground chamber trembled at the power of their ecstatic fury. At the same time, our captors seized us be the backs of our necks and thrust us face first into the ground.

` ` `"Behold!" proclaimed the witch in religious ecstasy, "He who shall be the doom of all inferior races! He who shall be the doom of false metal! He who shall pass judgement upon the Zionist poseur heretics!"

` ` `With my face pressed into the rocks I could see nothing, but I managed to twist my head just enough in the goblin guard's grasp to be able to catch a glimpse of the scene unfolding before me out of the corner of my eyes. The witch was grasping the head by its blond hair with its face gazing outward. This head was nothing like the unfortunate goblins swinging above us: except for its perfectly preserved hair it was completely mummified; it's skin was desiccated and the color of old leather; the face was unmoving, frozen in the silent scream that it had worn at the moment of its death; upon closer inspection the eyes were still miraculously intact, with a pure, icy blue stare that saw nothing; the facial hair showed that the person had evidently been a man. More and more, I felt an unsettling feeling that I had seen the head's owner before...

` ` `Those eyes...that ludicrous goatee...the general air of a viking who's gotten a sensible haircut so he can work in a cubicle farm...

` ` `And then its eyes rolled in their sockets to gaze down at me.

` ` `With a shock of recognition I recoiled in horror, throwing my guard to the ground as I leapt to my feet.

` ` `"Are you fucking shitting me?! Your 'Prophet' is Varg fucking Vikernes's severed head?! What the fuck is this stupid shit?!"

` ` `At my outburst, a low, angry muttering filled the chamber. And on top of the boulder platform the witch trembled with rage...

` ` `"How...how dare you?! How dare you look upon the Prophet?! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK HIS NAME, YOU...YOU UNTERMENSCH?!"

` ` `Suddenly her eyes widened in astonishment and her attention was drawn back to Varg's head.

` ` `In the deathly silence that had fallen over the vast chamber a faint creaking could be heard, almost like the careful movement of a rocking chair. My gaze had never wavered from Varg, so I saw with revulsion that the sound came from his feebly working jaw as the petrified tendons struggled to move.

[Trollheart]

` ` `Underneath the noise was a faint whisper. Frantically, the witch held the head up to her ear and listened. She remained motionless for long seconds, but eventually she lowered Varg's head and cradled it protectively to her chest. With pure hatred that eclipsed even her former loathing, the witch fixed her burning stare on me, and spoke with quiet rancor...

` ` `"It was you who murdered the Prophet. He gave you his aid to slay the dragon Fafnir. He bestowed upon you the sword which you have wielded against his chosen people. And you repaid his kindness with betrayal. You are truly the most loathsome insect to walk this Earth. If I had my way I would flay the skin from your body inch by agonizing inch and then leave your meat to the rats. But the Prophet has decreed a different fate for you. He is magnanimous, and will give you the chance to fight for your worthless life," and she addressed our guards, "Throw the Zionist poseur into the pit."

To Be Continued...

[/QUOTE]

Ah yeah, but when Batty? You left us all on the edge of our seats, hanging over a precipice and you're not appearing to offer a hand. Will the Kings of Metal escape the witch? Will Batty ever get a cigarette? Will Joey ever understand anything that's said to him? Will Kerry attend thos anger management classes he's been sentenced to? All this, and more, may never be revealed if The Batlord don't get off his fat, game-playing arse and leave the porn for a few days and write the final chapters of this epic! Come on Batty: Hollywood is calling (she's a nice girl, lives just down the street and has the biggest pair of ... eyes ... you've ever seen)



Has anyone seen DJ Chameleon recently? When I went searching for Batty's journal I came across his, stuck also on page five and not updated since March of 2013 --- that's a year and nine months now --- and I miss it. He had some grat reviews and some great comments. If anyone knows where he is, can you get a message to him and ask him to come back? We miss getting http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...chameleon.html and we want him back! Here's a sample of what he used to write:

Originally Posted by djchameleon

Razor’s Edge 8/13



K. Michelle - Rebellious Soul

I first heard about K. Michelle through plug. I believe it was Arya playing her hit single that she has out or I’m assuming so. I don’t listen to the radio much these days. The song that gets played is V.S.O.P. and it has hit written all over it. So if it’s not getting radio play then that’s a crime in and of itself. This album was so so for me. Out of 11 tracks I ended up liking five of them. Can’t Raise A Man spoke so much to me because it’s a situation that a large majority of my female friends go through when they are messing with these ****boys(immature dudes that aren’t about ****). In the lyrics she says:
Listen,
He got older, but never grew,
For his life he can't tell the truth.
How to love he ain't got a clue,
Playing games like he'll never lose you.

Try to talk to him, can't get through,
Every day he's a different dude.
These are the signs of a grown ass boy,
Better run for the hills, I'm just trying to keep it real.

You can't raise a man, he's already grown, what you gonna do?
You wonder why he acts like a boy. If he wasn't raised right before you
Girl, you ain't never gonna change nobody, if he don't wanna, you can't make nobody.
'Cause you can't raise a man, no, no.

V.S.O.P. , Pay My Bills, Ride Out and When I Get A Man were definitely my songs. When I first heard that one of those tracks was called pay my bills. I was like oh brother not another female singing about having a dude pay her bills while she’s pretending to be independent. Thanks a lot Beyonce. When I heard the hook though :

I'mma **** you
Like I'm tryna pay bills
Georgia power
Cable bill
Baby sitter
Tonight you will

I sighed in relief that it wasn’t the typical direction I thought it was going to go. It actually turned out to be pretty raunchy. I love it. She spends a majority of the album trying to work through her issues with different failing relationships but she brags about how she toys with men and makes them their bitch essentially.

Time to choose a journal at random and go back to where I stopped being a part of this forum for several months, and pick up the entries that were made during that time. My sabbatical began in the middle of May, 19th to be exact, so it's that date, or as close to it as I can get, that I begin

This week I've chosen http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...seur-cave.html, not just because Briks is a mate but because he puts a whole hell of a lot into his work, and I'm curious to see what he was up to while I was off sunning myself. Sorry, it's Ireland: staring out the window at the rain. But anyway...

Just before I threw my hands up and shut down my journals, handed back my swipe for the door of the forum and retired to my expensive beachhouse, Briks was looking at an outfit called Kaizer Orchestra, who had a trilogy called “Violeta Violeta”, and had intended to continue with Nickelback Week solo. However, just as this very special was the catalyst for my withdrawal from MB, so too did Briks announce he was, quote, sick of Nickelback. Who could blame him? It's all very well poking fun, but to do that, at least authoritatively, you have to first listen to the albums, and that's a big drawback. So he forced himself to listen to one more --- “All the right reasons” --- then turned onto the true path with Metal, and a look at Dissection's “Storm of the light's bane” (one of the recommended albums I never got to to feature in Metal Month II, later) then an emo kick with “Rites of spring” before returning to Metal with Finntroll and Mercyful Fate.

Well into June by now ---unlike me, and probably like about 90% of the rest of you who are somewhat sane, Briks does not update every day --- he derided Kiss's live album and was similarly scathing about Mayhem, while as June turned to July he put forward the idea of a Pierce the Veil week. Knowing nothing about the band, I would not have been in, but anyway by then I was a free man, skipping over meadows and picking flowers --- well, you know. Next up was The Ramones and The Descendents, but after listening to one PTV album he decided to knock it on the head. I should learn from this guy! Empire, empire (I was a lonely estate) is apparently a band name, and he reviewed an album by them, then went on to do Quorthon's solo album (or was it the other way around? Anyway he did both) and as August turned to September he reviewed Exhorder and Jets to Brazil, and as I made my triumphant, ticker-tape-through-the-streets (well I remember there being ticker-tape! Yes, in my mind. What of it?) to the forum he spoke of “Death to false indie” and reviewed Myrkur's self-titled, something I would later come to recommend to others.

October saw him look at “100 hits: Punk and New Wave” (rather you than me mate!) with Blondie, Deutche Americanische Freundchaft or something, Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks and The Stranglers. Then he had a squint at My Chemical Romance, Four Non Blondes and others, then, with Metal Month II in full swing he decided to try some (gasp) grindcore, with Xysma, then more Mayhem. Off to talk about Weezer's new album due, about which he was very excited, and then taking a look at the movie Van Helsing. In November he began his journey into folk, kicking off with Dylan, then threw in some albums he had listened to recently --- Slayer, Slipknot, The Cleaners from Venus, Timbuktu --- in haiku format, a style he would develop later, and then stumbled over an album he and Ki both seem to love, from Kairon; Irse! Yeah, that's the name of the artiste. Ki has sent it to me as a present to go Under Trollheart's Tree, so I'll be listening to it soon enough.

More haikus with Boduf Songs, Judas Priest, McLars, Quiet Riot and that Kairon;Irse! Album, then for his 2000th post he reviewed Ozzy's “The ultimate sin”.

Which brings us up to Bowie Week, and the point at which I began the Monthly Update again. Well done, Briks! Lots of very decent entries and some great ideas. A journal to be proud of. Next week I'll choose another at random for “A Retrospective”. If you want it to be yours, shout!