Is this a joke or real cause I wasn't joking.

Real. I’ve read ever word Fante ever wrote. When things seem insurmountable I pretend I’m Arturo Bandini.

I have more faces and stories and personalities than I can remember, but sometimes an old friend pops up. It's always pleasant to reconnect.

My wife has even more. She is so deep in her fantasy world that I'm surprised she functions here.

Ja, I haven't struggled too much with suicidal thoughts but I think depression hits way harder on the uptick. No matter how much you tell yourself that mental health will be something that you will struggle with for a long time but if you work at it, it'll improve, it's still hella disheartening to fall back into the hole even a little bit. Like damn, I thought I was escaping, how bad's it going to get now?

I miss some of the stuff I came up with over the years. It was pretty important to me. Back in middle school was probably a golden era for me before my fantasies splintered into all kinds of **** and when I had this one story that just went on and on for years. Everything after even now just feels like post-"back then".

Can you recall/re-live that past stuff/worlds/personalities?

I mean I can remember bits and pieces but that **** falls out of my mind generally as soon as it happens these days. Often stuff repeats.

I’ve tried really hard but it’s followed me around pretty damn closely for over a decade now. I remember seeing something “it can last for weeks” sigh

In 2005 I think I had a great year professionally. I had a special ed caseload that was almost flawless - I mean every kid under my supervision was doing great. My last class of the day was just kids in my caseload and it was supposed to supplement their math like an extra math class basically but they all had emotional needs. It was 50 minutes and I used like 25 as like a bonding time. A rap session - what happened today? Let’s take some quiet time to let our heads have some peace - but when the class got observed by admin I got creamed. I didn’t think it would matter because my caseload did so well. Only two suspension days and no failed classes and adequate yearly progress on the standardized tests. For special ed kids to do that well it’s like an MLB player batting .350. But the school still ****ing let me go. Another school picked me up but the new conditions were horrible. I still feel like getting let go like that did my ****ing head in. Lots of other things happened but that’s when I became irreparably bitter. I know that millions of people experience things far more unfair everyday but still for me that was a ****ing tipping point. I was so angry. I never managed to get unangry after that. Even when I fought back and got tenure I was still hateful about it.

That year I was going to the gym before work. I was healthy. I ate a healthy diet. After that I never got my mojo back.

I stayed in bed for around 20-22 hours a day for 8 months. I paid all bills with my credit cards borrowing on one against the other. So yeah. I could go two weeks with no shower. Never brushed my teeth and so on.

I walked my dog though.

My plan was to kill myself but I started feeling better when I went though my bankruptcy.

Time just blurs

As bad as that sounds though I think that’s how much rest I needed

I feel so much better now

It was like so many things went wrong for me to get that way

Drugs alcohol ****ed up memories burn out

The main thing I can tell you is don’t slip into heavy drug and alcohol abuse

It’s ****ing merciless. Whatever numbness you buy you payback quadruple

Don’t go there.