who was i predetermined to be?
please read this letter. i feel so confused and offended about myself with regards to the way i am, and i think i need a psychologist or a psychiatrist or some kind of therapy to let me know what it is i need to know...because not knowing my true identity is causing me to be drastic in the way i cope.
I WANT TO FIND OUT WHO I WAS PREDETERMINED TO BE, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIVING A LIE!!!!!
i was reading on some "born this way" website about someone - let's call him "randolph" - who was trying to justify his being "born gay" with a picture of him as a small boy wearing a female's hat on his head. "the cat was already out of the bag," he wrote. i will ask if it's true that a life is set in stone at such a young age, because i am living a lie if it is true. for crying out loud, i enjoy the way malt-candy tastes today but i was sickened and revolted by the taste as a boy. what is the meaning of this, i thought the cat was out of the bag that i hated malt-candy! WHY WERE MY PREDETERMINED TASTES CHANGED, I HAD HATED MALT-CANDY SINCE BIRTH AND NOW I LOVE IT.
my parents have a picture of me being on a soccer team at age 5 or 6 - was the cat was out of the bag that i was born to be a soccer player? soccer once attracted me like joni attracted chachi, so am i supposed to be a soccer player and am i denying my true identity by not playing sports? i would like to learn the truth of who i was predetermined to be, because the last thing i want to do is deny myself of my true wants and desires simply because those wants and desires were discouraged through other peoples' negative opinions of my being a sportsman.
i have recently become somewhat of an incessant player of slot machines. i'm somewhat entranced when i'm seeing and hearing the slots - slots attract me like honey does to a bee, and it's so difficult for me to keep from wrapping my hand around the big long pole and jerking it down to get the slot machine ejaculating out money. my mind is in a different place when i am faced with a row of sinfully-attractive slot machines, they are such a temptation. i kind of want a psychologist or other head-therapist to help me become the non-gambling person i want to be., i don't want to see slot machines the way i do and i don't want to be attracted to slot machines the way i am, but i'm sure it is illegal for psychologists to change peoples' orientations. if gambling comes so naturally to me, if i am oriented to the gambling world, then i have a gamblers' orientation and i fear a psychologist would get in trouble for helping me change my orientation. i fear i will just have to accept having been oriented to gambling.
i wouldn't think i was born a gambler, as i had never wanted to gamble before age 37, but maybe my inner gambler was stifled by christians who made me believe that gambling is bad. maybe the choices i've made in life were a product of christians' values which just didn't orient me to gambling. maybe i was actually born a gambler, maybe my true identity was stifled by christians, but even if it wasn't then i'm sure i could find some "gay rights" groups to help me believe that i was always just afraid to proclaim the truth about myself.
by age five, i was imitating john travolta singing "greased lightning," so i wonder if actors are predetermined. i memorized "ferris bueller's day off" at 13, i memorized "dirty dancing" at 14, i acted in high school plays, was i born to be an actor? i joined the soccer team at about the same time as i emulated john travolta, am i supposed to be an actor with a hobby of playing soccer? am i supposed to be a soccer player with a hobby of acting? i guess i was born with so much knowledge and so many interests and desires already formed inside my brain, that it's hard to determine who i was meant to be.
i've had a love for dogs since i was 8 years old, i've always wanted them to be protected from harm and to live a happy life, i've always seen dogs of the world through the eyes of a caretaker - was i born this way? was i born to be an animal-rights activist? am i predetermined to be a soccer player with a hobby of acting, doing a weekend job at the local animal shelter while spending my free time giving in to temptation at casinos? i'll assume that this is just what randolph would assume - he'd maintain that my behaviors should reflect my childhood. he'd maintain that i was born with lusts for acting and gambling, though my gambling-lust was stifled by christians until my30s, and that it is self-denial not to act on my lusts. he'd also maintain that i destroyed a part of myself because i had let other people stifle my desire to play soccer so much that it doesn't exist anymore.
i'd wonder if randolph would maintain that i was born a dog-lover, since i've loved dogs even before i started loving members of my own gender. i don't trust randolph, i don't even know if he's a psychologist, so i want to ask the following question to someone who knows something about predetermined lives: who am i, why am i attracted to slot machines if other men are not, why do i now like malt-candy when i've hated it for as long as i can remember? and why does my mind process images of slot machines and flavors of malt-candy differently than the way other mens' minds do?
I WANT TO FIND OUT WHO I WAS PREDETERMINED TO BE, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIVING A LIE!!!!!
president obama has spoken, and i know that life is not what i make of it. i know that life is like a business and that one person is not responsible for either, therefore i want to live the life i was supposed to live and not the life i've made for myself.
I WANT TO FIND OUT WHO I WAS PREDETERMINED TO BE, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIVING A LIE!!!!!
dylan terreri, i
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