Looking for lyric feedback....Country

Steven Kibler · 06-06-2016, 07:22 PM

I have been writing lyrics for about 20 years and decided to get some feedback on some.
This first one is a song I wrote about my grandfather.
I my be looking for some music collaboration also.

"That Chair"

His picture hangs upon my wall
In the livingroom and down the hall
He gave me all the wisdom he could spare
Summer weekends we spent fishin'
Sittin' by the pond just wishin'
Time flyin' by but we just didn't care
Fireflies that we were catchin'
Meant mosquito bites that we were scratchin'
And his late night stories gave me quite a scare
I'll always remember Grampa in that chair...

CHORUS:

That chair was made with Grampa's hands
He made it with specific plans
The day that he heard I was to be born
Crafted from the finest oak
Past his pipe and through the smoke
He seen every detail it adorned
Now all I can do is sit and stare
And remember all the memories of Grampa in that chair

Well he also taught me how to throw
Taught me all I'd need to know
Through me he tried correcting his mistakes
He bought me my first pocket knife
And we whittled to the facts of life
He seen me off when I went on my first dates
Oh our late night talks boy we were such a pair
I'll always remember Grampa in that chair

CHORUS:

That chair was made with Grampa's hands
He made it with specific plans
The day that he heard I was to be born
Crafted from the finest oak
Past his pipe and through the smoke
He seen every detail it adorned
Now all I can do is sit and stare
And remember all the memories of Grampa in that chair

TAG:

Well Grampa passed a year ago today
And the memories don't go away
I often find myself looking over to that chair
And yes I still see my Grampa sitting there...

CHORUS:

That chair was made with Grampa's hands
He made it with specific plans
The day that he heard I was to be born
Crafted from the finest oak
Past his pipe and through the smoke
He seen every detail it adorned
Now all I can do is sit and stare
And remember all the memories of Grampa in that chair

Yes I'll live by all the memories of Grampa in that chair

Copyright 2001 Steven L. Kibler

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard · 06-06-2016, 09:25 PM

Good thing you copyrighted those!

JGuy Grungeman · 06-14-2016, 02:28 PM

Pretty good. I've heard better, but there's a lot worse these days. I kinda like it, and I love the story you go for. It reminds me of Grandma's Feather Bed by John Denver.

Woodstock · 07-30-2016, 08:03 AM

Its a darned good song! Real oldtime country music flavor. I can imagine Emmy Lou Harris singing it.

MystiqueDeep · 08-17-2016, 09:08 PM

Your lyrics are pretty good and definitely have some potential. I particularly like the images you use--they are specific enough to be interesting, yet common enough that most people can relate to some part of it. I also like your AABCCBDD rhyming scheme--that's not something I see often and it makes for a a nice change of pace. In terms of word choice, what really sticks out to me (in a good way) is your repetitive use of "that." It feels more natural to use the phrase "his chair," but the hard "t" sound at the end of "that" makes it more abrupt and distinctive. That is exactly what you would want in the title words of your lyrics. I also feel like that one little word gives the song a broader range of possible moods--it's easy to imagine this song being somewhat upbeat, but "his chair" feels like the song would need to me more slow and melodic.

Here are a couple of small things to consider changing, just to refine it a bit more.
1. The word "seen" in all 4 places where you use it isn't correct English grammar. I know that in country music you can get away with slang and poor grammar, but the rest of your lyrics use words correctly so these instances stand out and are pretty jarring. I feel like it detracts from the rest of the song. Consider using "saw" or "he'd seen".
2. The phrase "In the livingroom and down the hall." The word "and" almost makes it sound like there are 2 pictures hung in 2 locations. It might be clearer if you just dropped the word "and" and used "In the livingroom, down the hall" or if you needed the extra syllable for the music, you could consider "In the livingroom down past the hall."

I definitely enjoyed your lyrics. It would be fun to hear it as a full song some day.

06-06-2016, 07:22 PM	#1 (permalink)
Steven Kibler Groupie Join Date: Jun 2016 Posts: 1	Looking for lyric feedback....Country I have been writing lyrics for about 20 years and decided to get some feedback on some. This first one is a song I wrote about my grandfather. I my be looking for some music collaboration also. "That Chair" His picture hangs upon my wall In the livingroom and down the hall He gave me all the wisdom he could spare Summer weekends we spent fishin' Sittin' by the pond just wishin' Time flyin' by but we just didn't care Fireflies that we were catchin' Meant mosquito bites that we were scratchin' And his late night stories gave me quite a scare I'll always remember Grampa in that chair... CHORUS: That chair was made with Grampa's hands He made it with specific plans The day that he heard I was to be born Crafted from the finest oak Past his pipe and through the smoke He seen every detail it adorned Now all I can do is sit and stare And remember all the memories of Grampa in that chair Well he also taught me how to throw Taught me all I'd need to know Through me he tried correcting his mistakes He bought me my first pocket knife And we whittled to the facts of life He seen me off when I went on my first dates Oh our late night talks boy we were such a pair I'll always remember Grampa in that chair CHORUS: That chair was made with Grampa's hands He made it with specific plans The day that he heard I was to be born Crafted from the finest oak Past his pipe and through the smoke He seen every detail it adorned Now all I can do is sit and stare And remember all the memories of Grampa in that chair TAG: Well Grampa passed a year ago today And the memories don't go away I often find myself looking over to that chair And yes I still see my Grampa sitting there... CHORUS: That chair was made with Grampa's hands He made it with specific plans The day that he heard I was to be born Crafted from the finest oak Past his pipe and through the smoke He seen every detail it adorned Now all I can do is sit and stare And remember all the memories of Grampa in that chair Yes I'll live by all the memories of Grampa in that chair Copyright 2001 Steven L. Kibler

06-14-2016, 02:28 PM	#3 (permalink)
JGuy Grungeman Primo Celebate Sexiness Join Date: Apr 2014 Posts: 2,662	Pretty good. I've heard better, but there's a lot worse these days. I kinda like it, and I love the story you go for. It reminds me of Grandma's Feather Bed by John Denver. __________________ I'm a pretty nice troll if you ask me.

07-30-2016, 08:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
Woodstock Groupie Join Date: Jul 2016 Posts: 13	Its a darned good song! Real oldtime country music flavor. I can imagine Emmy Lou Harris singing it.

08-17-2016, 09:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
MystiqueDeep Groupie Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 7	Your lyrics are pretty good and definitely have some potential. I particularly like the images you use--they are specific enough to be interesting, yet common enough that most people can relate to some part of it. I also like your AABCCBDD rhyming scheme--that's not something I see often and it makes for a a nice change of pace. In terms of word choice, what really sticks out to me (in a good way) is your repetitive use of "that." It feels more natural to use the phrase "his chair," but the hard "t" sound at the end of "that" makes it more abrupt and distinctive. That is exactly what you would want in the title words of your lyrics. I also feel like that one little word gives the song a broader range of possible moods--it's easy to imagine this song being somewhat upbeat, but "his chair" feels like the song would need to me more slow and melodic. Here are a couple of small things to consider changing, just to refine it a bit more. 1. The word "seen" in all 4 places where you use it isn't correct English grammar. I know that in country music you can get away with slang and poor grammar, but the rest of your lyrics use words correctly so these instances stand out and are pretty jarring. I feel like it detracts from the rest of the song. Consider using "saw" or "he'd seen". 2. The phrase "In the livingroom and down the hall." The word "and" almost makes it sound like there are 2 pictures hung in 2 locations. It might be clearer if you just dropped the word "and" and used "In the livingroom, down the hall" or if you needed the extra syllable for the music, you could consider "In the livingroom down past the hall." I definitely enjoyed your lyrics. It would be fun to hear it as a full song some day.