Un-fellow Americans...lend us yer ears
 

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

http://littleredreviewer.files.wordp...2/06/queen.jpg

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Fair enough, but in return we ask for a small land invasion. We've got a high population of gun toting rednecks that needs a good culling.

Yeah, **** American football. Of course, soccer blows too.

I think I got this in an email during the 2000 election debacle.

Well, I guess the Brits let Canada run a little wild because we use the "ize" suffix, soccer = football, football = American & Canadian football, we play baseball, and music students use American notation (like 32nd notes are just that - THIRTY-SECOND. Not a semidemiquaver or whatever other mouthful of syllables is used in British notation).

Plus I think most of you call us Americans anyways until we correct you.

:rofl:

If that's what you wanna call throwing snowballs at some drunk guy with a hockey stick.

Canadians are Americans here, you all sound the same. All you need to do here is drive 20miles and you can't understand a word anyone says.



This thread is way overdue. Americans are ****ing weird sometimes.

Sometimes?

Nobody in the UK knows the difference between Americans and Canadians, they all speak with a twang and have that shopping-mall mentality. Bless em!

Yep.

I do, I worked with a Canadian. To be honest I thought she sounded as if her voice was breaking, apparently it wasn't.

Nice to see it still applies now, as it did then.

A timeless classic. Enjoy.

Hahaha I think I know what you mean there, I once met a Canadian girl with dental braces that spoke like that.

On a more serious note, I know the difference between a Southerner in the USA and Northerner accent wise but that's about it. I know that doesn't exactly sound impressive, but I also confuse Aussies and Kiwis as well. South Africans though are easy to identify.

It's an odd thing, the ear.
I struggle to understand a Belfast accent, yet find it easy to identify the localities of various American accents.
And yet, on holiday in the U.S. I was asked by an American if I was Irish?

So what happens to Dunkin Donuts? We've also been increasing our use of roundabouts... People are still getting the hang of it. And I would have agreed with the beer thing until I discovered American craft beers.

Gee, the British want to take over a country and inject their way of life into the citizens to rid of them their 'barbaric' way of lives? Why does this sound so familiar? :finger:

Probably because you did just that :finger:

Is that so surprising, when the average American tourist in Europe dresses like so.
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/fi...US-Tourist.JPG

That photo looks 30-40 years old.

So why do your tourists still dress like this? Nostalgia value perhaps!

News to me if they do. I figured it was that old because I don't see Americans dress like that anymore. Maybe rednecks, but they don't get out much. :wave:

Ah rednecks, if I ever get out to the US one day, I need to spend a day observing these guys.......from a safe distance of course! I remember seeing Deliverance and the piggyback ride in the bushes.

^your location cracks me up :laughing:

I totally agree. People in general are ****ing weird though, its not exclusive to North America. At the very least we drive on the right side of the road and pump out genetically modified foods like its going out of style.

agree with everything said in this thread

but to be fair, British cuisine is some real sad shit.

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/a...n_American.jpg
From the great state of
http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/m...fe182/dont.jpg

At times its frustrating but I'm ok with where I'm from and proud of it. I think despite all of Americas problems and criticism were a pretty resilient nation. I know this whole threads a joke but I strongly doubt ANYONE invading the U.S. would be successful in overthrowing it and imposing their will.
As for American football being for a bunch of wimps...well thats funny. Suit up the best of the best of your rugby players and put them on the field and make sure their insurance is payed up before hand. Also probaly wouldn't hurt to have an ambulance standing by. While the league has become imo more injury prone I doubt any country could ever compete in the sport. However I'm positive if the roles were reversed we would instantly dominate the sport of rugby. Size, strength, conditioning, agility, and just the overwhelming number of athletes this country produces is amazing and unparalled to that of any other imo. Especially in a sport of that caliber.

American beer is way better than British beer.

Nobody here knows the difference between any of the different accents in the UK. I certainly don't, lol. You're all just either British or Scottish.

I hope you mean American (or Canadian) microbreweries, because the mass produced shit like Coors or something is, well, shit. :laughing:

All I know is the Scottish wear kilts no? Very manly

N wit?

I already do #1

but I could go for some chips w/ vinegar

Here I see American's dressed like that all the time. Great idea Queen!

When someone does it you like when the Welsh are called English or Scottish are called Irish or even call Irish British holy heck you bust a gasket. And you have the gall to call French frogs, Germans krauts and Canadians Americans. This is ironic indeed.

I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to say here.

It's ok for someone in the UK to call Canadians "Americans." And another thing there is always a name for everyone. You guys call the French "Frogs" and Germans "krauts" etc etc. But if someone calls someone who is Welsh "English" or if someone who is Irish is called "British" oh boy you're in for it.

Then thats a problem for Welsh & Irish people, not English people.

Believe me, it's not.