Unknown 92891

Awesome first verse, and i really liked the speed and aggression that i felt in the chorus. that being said i feel as tho you got super excited and planned out that first verse and chorus so well, that after you got distracted and rushed to get done with the song.

ie your first verse was as such:

What else can I say,
Love has destroyed me; (this is great, a strong opening hook)
and made some more room
for someone just as lonely
as me.. <---(i like the way it seems to pause for a moment here)
It ripped out a part
of my desolate heart,
leaving space to be filled by you.
And while I still can, I will say
that gentle sway
has taken control of me.. (leads well into the chorus, your over all rhyming here was really good)

Chorus
Now I'm obsessed with you, (i like the sudden rhyme, then pause that you create after the word hypnotized)
Possessed by you,
hypnotized
in your sea-colored eyes. (creative wording)
you have control over me,
and I'll never break free
from you grip on my heart.. (this might just be because i have a different style than you, but i think maybe something like:


" you have control over me
and ill never break free,
never tear apart,
your grip from my heart." (might sound a bit better, just a suggestion, im just saying that i would try rhyming the last line of the chorus better.


This is where i feel more time could be invested to make the song more complete sounding, rather than having the sound of a rushed project.

im just going to give a suggestion of somethings i might try...

so instead of:

I must admit,
I'm helpless against this
torture of being wrapped round your finger.
but it seems that I
can't help but wonder why
I'm loving it so..

i would..

I must admit,
I'm helpless against this
torture,
of being wrapped round your finger
now you'll forever linger
but it seems that I
can't help but wonder why
I'm loving it so...

not a big change i know, but i feel as tho the one line helps to complete it


She loves me,
I know this;
but every broken bone is
a reminder of why
I am so utterly helpless;
but as I lay here in my agony,
crushed and burning, she
looks me in the eyes
and all the hurt runs away.

i would...

She loves me,
I know this;
but every broken bone is
a reminder of why
I am, so utterly helpless;
but as I lay here, in my agony,
crushed and burning,
she looks me in the eyes,
and all the hurt turns in spite
of the pain i am bearing
but you've got me...

totally obsessed with you
possessed by you,
hypnotized
in your love drunk eyes
you have control over me
and i'll never break free
cannot break us apart

cause...

now im obsessed with you
possessed by you
hypnotized
ect...however you want the chorus to end =]

anyway, those are just my suggestions, maybe get you thinking a little about what more you could do if you so desired.

Good luck =]