Hi soulmeetsbody,
Your lyrics that you're building sound as if they'll make a very good rap song similar to that song by Immaculate Deception (oops! Immortal Technique!) about the young man who gets in with the wrong crowd to make money, loses a moral compass, ends up raping his own mother, and then kills himself. A sad song, a tale of caution, in which there is fear and regret.
I also think the idea of describing your whole life in an album is an interesting one. I like stories...and true stories the most.
A question about yours: in the first two verses you are singing in first tense (I did this, I did that), but in the final verse you are singing in third person (he did this, he did that), and so I am wondering what was the reason was for the shift? At first, when reading the third verse, I thought you were talking about someone else.
I'm especially interested in these lines
Quote:
What would you do if you had to feed your family?
You place me among labor and capital,
The invisible hand had to command me,
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because they let the listener pull back and consider the whole situation the person is in a little more. What do you think of as the "invisible" hand? Is this the hand of capitalism in which supply and demand balance out due to the "invisible hand" some famous economist (can't remember his name right now) described as being at work? Are you referring here to the demand that makes the supply of drugs profitable?
When you write the following in the first verse
Quote:
I'm facing five to ten times twenty ki's,
So I grabbed the trigger and I started to squeeze
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I was a little confused about why the person first dropped the gun and then picked it up again. Is he shooting at the cops? Is this how he avoided going to jail while his friends ended up serving life? What happened after he grabbed the gun? It implies he escaped, correct?
I felt your possible chorus sounds reasonable: three strikes and you're out represents (I think) the mistakes he's made in life due to all that he faced (racism, lack of love and human decency) leading to his death.
The first verse made it sound like the person hoped he'd be caught and killed because of his guilt, which finally caused him to kill himself at the end. Is this correct?
Finally, does "I'm scared to drop the mic" mean the singer (you) singing about his life is afraid that if he doesn't sing about his life, then he'll fall back into it and commit the three strikes, causing himself to really end up dead?
~ Erica
P.S. I recommend you ask a moderator by private message to merge your two songwriting threads as is required at MB. This will probably help your songwriting threads get more views...I think people tend to gravitate toward threads that have more views. You can private message Urban Hatemonger for example to ask him if he would please merge your threads.