Quote:
Originally Posted by APCTOOL91
"Euphoric"
I can feel myself drifting away
Its a feelin' I never get tired of
Even though the rope begins to break
The line between life and death is still there
Don't fret I'll see you soon enough
The bullet can take me home
Steel just takes too long
And gravity isn't so reliable these days
Its these flashbulb memories
That make me wanna go
So euphoric
In these chains
I will not stop 'til I decide
Its my own choice
Don't you try
To push yours on me
And I love it
When this starts to hurt
And I love it
When it kills a part of me
So euphoric
When I start to fade away
I'm something new everyday
You can recognize me
And I love it
When I start to die
And I love it
When I feel so far away
Its so damn euphoric...
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Hi again APCTOOL91,
"Euphoric" is a sad song about self-destruction. I have several questions about the meaning. When you write, "Even though the rope begins to break The line between life and death is still there," is there a period between "break" and "The line?" If it is one sentence, then I start to wonder if the second half should say that it feels like the line between life and death *isn't* there, since that is part of what creates the sense of euphoria for the speaker.
Also, who is the person being addressed...the person who shouldn't fret? This person would be dead, I assume, and the mention of him/her made me wonder about the specifics. I start to want to look for some clue in the rest of the song about who is being addressed, but couldn't find any.
When you write that the bullet can take the singer home (kill him), but steel is too slow, do you mean the steel of the bullet or of some other weapon? I assume steel = knife. Also, have you considered describing more what the "flashbulb" memories are that make the person want to kill himself? When you mention them in the song I become curious to know more about why dying seems more euphoric to the singer than staying alive.
One final question: when you write "Its [it's] so damn euphoric," are you using damn in a negative way or positive? That is, is the singer angry a little at the euphoria, or just overwhelmed by how good it feels?
The final three stanzas do a good job describing the feeling of euphoria, I feel. The fact that you use 4 line stanzas gives some order to the song, and I do see some rhyming in there that holds it together. I noticed "away" used 3 times...which actually didn't stand out too much to me while reading, but whenever I see a word used frequently I usually want to make sure there isn't some other phrasing that would work just as well. The repetition of "And I love it" makes the lyrics sound like a song more than a poem. They give more of a "building" or crescendo feeling to the end of the song than I think you would get if you just kept using free verse without repetition.
Now, on to your next song about religious pressuring. As an atheist, I certainly have sometimes felt like the person described in this song! I've put feedback in bold below:
Quote:
Originally Posted by APCTOOL91
They said to me [an option would be "they told me"]
Nail him on the cross [I assume this line represents the people wanting the singer to believe, and the song is set in the present day rather than 1 A.D.?]
They said to me [perhaps "they told me" again? You see, my own preference is to minimize the number of words needed to say something in a given line, which doesn't mean it is wrong to use more than necessary]
He should be a martyr for your sins
I say [if they "said," above, then should this line be "I said" or "I replied" instead of "I say?"] why do I have to believe you?
Don’t you push that on me!
What have I ever done to you?
Yeah, that’s right [you could add here the word "nothing" to answer the question of what you ever did to them] I didn’t think so
So then they decided to label me
A heretic in a sea of fools [I like this line especially]
This propaganda is killing me
Why doesn’t it seem to [I think you could get rid of "it seem to" and the line would work just as well] do the same to you?
Religion is a virus
And knowledge is the cure
Open up your mind
And you’ll find what’s soon in store [what *is* soon in store?]
So they dragged me to the river
And they washed me in my blood
Destroyed what I had left inside of me [I think you can get rid of "of me" if you want to, since "inside" implies "of me"]
But they couldn’t take it all away
I stood up in defiance
And [you could remove the "And" to make this line sound more forceful, I feel] shoved that cross down their throats
And I said I don’t believe in God [to make the line more subtle, you could leave out "in God" because as soon as someone says "I don't believe," this implies that the person does not believe in the religion]
So why do you want me to?
And religion is a virus [the "And" in this line...you could remove it, I feel, to make the line into a stronger statement
And knowledge is the cure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by APCTOOL91
after I had some experiences I became an atheist so the third song is my viewpoints now.
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I feel songs about that transition (religious to atheist) would be very interesting...what it felt like, for example...because I never had to make this transition. The song above describes the aftermath. Was it even harder during the realization that you didn't feel there was any god?
APCTOOL91, I recommend you ask a moderator, maybe Toretorden, to merge your two threads so that all your works are in this one thread, which would help readers see the flow of your writing (as it changes from piece to piece and in revisions). Also, it's a rule to have just one song-writing thread per person, though I don't know how often it is enforced
! An advantage for you of keeping everything in one thread is that it may increase the number of views your thread gets, and thus increases the chance of feedback, because I think most people gravitate toward threads that already have a lot of views.
--Erica