Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA
Dear VeggieLover,
I was so focused on the content of your essay (especially the lines in bold above), encased within the buried-alive metaphor, that I didn't focus very much on the method you used to express your realization that self-analysis has distracted you from seeing the loving family relationships and friendships that are all around you and part of you, waiting to help release you from self-captivity.
There were several moments, though, when word choices made me think about the words more than their meaning (and I would prefer to think just about the meaning rather than be distracted by noticing the words, if that makes sense):
I so strongly think of horses rearing that this image takes over in my mind, even though I know you are expressing, through use of "rearing," that you want to break free and take off with your life.
The mixed metaphor (a heart does not have loins, and do loins gather themselves?) made me pause and think about what you meant longer than I would like to. I would prefer the meaning to be stated more directly.
I know you like metaphors and poetry and so I see you using both in your writing. Sometimes I feel the essay would benefit by having fewer metaphors, especially when some of them are common, such as "on the stage of my private life" (life is a stage being the old Shakespeare metaphor) and, "I’ve scabbed my knees too many times to give up learning to ride the bike" (a scabbed knee being a common metaphor for the psychological wounds caused by trying to learn some important task in life).
Occasionally your sentences are worded to give a theatrical effect, yet this makes the feelings expressed seem more public rather than private...more showy than perhaps they are when they are felt? Examples:
This could be simplified to: "Fellow band members, I give you my deepest thanks."
I feel that using "in fact" rather than "nay!" would make this sentence, and the realization that the root of your self *is* your family (for you are the flesh of your father and your mother), less theatrical...although perhaps that is the effect you wish the essay to have.
I enjoyed reading your essay very much. The buried alive metaphor was a successful attention-grabber, I feel. It did make me expect the essay to be about a fictional horror film, so I was surprised that the opening fictional sentences led to a personal non-fiction account of your experiences. I felt your use of fiction to help explain reality was interesting.
--Veg
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When i logged in and saw that you had commented on my writing I was very glad... you always give the best critiques and i really feel that you help me to improve my writing. Let me start off by saying, yes, I do really enjoy the nuances of the written language and as such tend to be a little wordy and use older type phrases and sentence structures. When it becomes distracting, it is my style not being finished.
However, I did intend a theatrical effect, especially in my expostulation to my fellow band members. We were, after all, performers. Same with "nay," i feel it not only adds my personal voice (which tends to get a bit dramatic at times) but also emphasizes the point of my epiphany, if thats what you wish to call it. However, the essay is serious and personal, does this kind of voice create and unpleasant contradiction of tone?
The metaphors, and my over-use of them, is much needed advice. The skinned knee metaphor was actually an allusion to one of my memories of me and my dad, he taught me to ride a bike. But there is no way for a reader to know that.... i think maybe I could find another way to say what i mean while still avoiding the obvious way of saying it.
The stage of my heart was meant to add to the dramatic aspect of my voice, and the fact that i've always kind of felt like I was wearing a mask and putting on an act for my family, in some sense in order to protect them. Now, im starting to take off that mask. Is the cliche quality of this section overpowering to the meaning behind it?
Now for the problematic "gathering the loins of my heart" sentence :O
What I meant was more "girding my loins" as in preparing for a journey. by setting this language (which i first read in A Pilgrims Progress btw) in my heart, i am preparing not for a physical journey but an emotional one. By changing that one word ( gathering to girding) do I fix the problems of the sentence?
Thank you so much for your help. I am going to edit my original post of the essay, so please feel free to re-read it and let me know if i improved it.