Music Banter - View Single Post - Senf's Collection
Thread: Senf's Collection
View Single Post
Old 10-27-2009, 08:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
VEGANGELICA
Facilitator
 
VEGANGELICA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 2,014
Default
Quote:
Originally Posted by Senf View Post
Maybe it wasn't quite clear in the first draft but the two people are actually staying in for the night, not going out. Hopefully the minor changes you'll see a bit later in this post will help clarify that.

I noticed the inverted word order in "Try a little we should not" after submitting this post and re-reading it a few times; that has since been changed and I believe now works a bit better.

Because the two people are actually in a bedroom, the crawling line should make more sense now (I can see where your confusion was coming from beforehand, though).

For the line "Your body I'll own when near," I quite like the unorthodox order of the phrase and will be sticking with it for now. I'll take your advice to heart though and may eventually end up reworking it a bit.

The public aspect is no longer there (the confusion of the subject, at least), so the public sexual acts shouldn't be much of a problem anymore.

The envy idea relates to most people really hoping for that one partner that can really set them off (sexually). The two people in this story have that special something and, therefore, others are most likely jealous.

The safely line has been reworked to keep the intended meaning at bay. Thanks for pointing that out, though.

I definitely changed the "teardrop" line because I didn't like the flow and lack of originality; I believe the new line allows for more imagination and keeps the idea of the everlasting night at bay

Thanks so much for your input. It really means a lot to me and whatever future I may have with music in general.

Here's the reworked version:

Tonight We Let Free

Now everyone has their someone,
not always are they easy to find.
You and me in for some fun,
never want to hit rewind.

There's nothing wrong with a lone smile,
but smiles are always better in pairs.
Slow your gears, stay for a while,
go through with some of my dares.

We could get tired, but who knows,
maybe find out we have something hot.
Work it smooth, baby here goes,
part of our sexy plot.

(chorus)

I want to get to know you better,
want you to get to know me.
Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Crawl a bit closer, show me how,
we have no time to waste while in here.
Oh feel the warmth, come on now,
your body I'll own when near.

Try a tad lower, then up top,
oh now we're all people's great envy.
In this room, we have no clock,
in each other's arms firmly.

Should we maybe call it a night,
could we ask for much better than this?
Why can't we go 'til daylight,
have we ever felt such bliss?

(chorus)

I want to get to know you better,
want you to get to know me.
Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.

Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't,
but tonight girl, tonight we let free.
Hi Senf,
Your revised version makes more sense to me and I enjoyed reading your explanation above it, because I like seeing how someone else's mind works while crafting lyrics. I do feel you successfully clarified in the revision that the scenes are taking place in a private setting.

I actually miss the "in each other's arms safely" line because the "safely" part is meaningful (to me) and stuck in my mind, perhaps because usually songs about sexuality seem unconcerned about the safety of both participants, so it was nice to read a song that *does* mention people feeling safe. Since I see the song is about erotic love/passion combined with affection and the potential of future platonic love, as well, I feel that having the "safely" in there works to create a more realistic mood. Safety (physically plus emotionally) combined with erotic attraction in a relationship *is* an enviable combination.

Also, I appreciated the way you reacted to my feedback: you stood by the parts of the song that you like...

Quote:
For the line "Your body I'll own when near," I quite like the unorthodox order of the phrase and will be sticking with it for now.
... which is important to do. Since you are the creator of the song, it is most important that the song satisfies you and says what *you* want, and I'm glad you see you take my suggestions just as suggestions without feeling pressure to use them if they don't feel right for your vision of your song.

I'll plan to give feedback on your second song (in the post before this one) at a later time!

--Erica
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 10-27-2009 at 09:00 AM.
VEGANGELICA is offline   Reply With Quote