Quote:
Originally Posted by Senf
We could get tired, but who knows,
maybe find out we have something hot.
Work it smooth, baby here goes,
try a little we should not.
Crawl a bit closer, show me how,
we have no time to waste while in here.
Oh feel our warmth, come on now,
your body I'll own when near.
Try a tad lower, then up top,
we can be all people's great envy.
In this room, roll no teardrop,
in each other's arms safely.
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Hi Senf,
The meter of your song has a limerick feeling to me and so feels very upbeat, which probably is a good match for the topic (going out and getting it on with a friend). The stanzas above have some word choices that to me sound stilted or perhaps more crude than romantic, so I thought I'd mention them.
"Try a little we should not" uses inverted word order and so sounds unnatural, to me. The fact that the woman is "crawling" seems odd, since I thought they were going out in public. "I'll own you" isn't, perhaps, a very desirable thing and so I wonder if the woman would want that? Also, the typical word order of "verb noun" has been reversed when you write "your body I'll own when near," so it sounds somewhat forced to me.
"Try a tad lower then up top" sounds like the writer is asking the woman to be sexual with various parts of his body in public...making me wonder exactly what kind of establishment they are in! Then, I wonder if the desire to be everyone's envy means that this one-night (?) relationship is more about image and control and showing off rather than friendship and safety...and yet the final two lines (above) suggest a feeling of safety is there between the two people. The song seems to have two separate forces at work: the desire to experience carnal lust, and the desire to feel safe doing so.
Have you considered changing "roll no teardrop" because it uses an odd word order (to create the rhyme)? Using "tears" to represent sadness in a song seems a little cliche to me. Would you perhaps consider saying something about how if the woman wants then they can "stop" (which would rhyme with "top")...which would probably increase the feeling of safety in exploration and make the song of desire feel a little more tender?
--Erica