VEGANGELICA

Hi KyleSingsToYou,

First, welcome to MB. And also welcome to you, bizonapage! I notice both of you have yet to introduce yourselves down in the introduction (community) thread. I didn't notice the introductions thread for several weeks after I joined, so I thought I would point it out to you...it is a good way to introduce yourselves to the whole MB community.

KyleSingsToYou, I enjoy the feeling of your song (under works), probably because I can relate to yearning for happiness that sometimes seems unobtainable because of one's own feelings of unworthiness or guilt.

I noticed some contrasts within the song that you may wish to consider. For example, the "hollowed" out man is nevertheless filled with words...so perhaps is not so hollow after all? Also, the song says, "maybe God can forgive," yet two lines down from it, "I'm sure an omnipotent being can forgive for a song." So, the song seems to be describing opposites (filled vs. hollow; unsure vs. sure), which is interesting.

Have you considered perhaps using "hoping" instead of "dying" in lines 2 and 3? "Dying" sounds desperate and melodramatic...not that one can't feel or wish for something so strongly that one feels this way.

Are the words filling the singer actually the song itself, which appears to express the fact that the singer is trying to overcome the troubled past and find happiness, and feels the potential is there for this to occur? (In answer to the previous post, I, for one, feel as if the song is heading in a hopeful direction).

Another thought I had while reading is about the religious views expressed in the song. The person described in the song appears to have a religious view that a god gives forgiveness only for certain actions (such as creation of a beautiful song), and that forgiveness is needed for the person to feel at ease. I wondered, if there were/is such a forgiving god, would the god require a song (of remorse) to bestow forgiveness?

I tried reading the song, feeling its flow, without the following line (in bold), and felt it could be omitted to create more flow without changing the meaning:

So, this could become:
"And maybe God can forgive
all that I've done wrong.
I'm sure an omnipotent being
can forgive for a song."

"Omnipotent" seems like a very technical word compared to the other words in the song. Other options might be "all-powerful" or "supreme."

Finally, the song makes me wonder just what the person did in his past that was so awful that it haunts him!

--Erica

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