I think your biggest problem in this area is rhyme scheme. The fact that it sounds like a child comes more strongly from the incredibly direct rhyme I'm seein' here. The form I'd recommend taking here is:
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A, (A2-psuedo rhyme), B
C, (C2-psuedo rhyme), B
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I'm sittin' here trying to figure out how to say that effectively. I mean to keep the direct rhyme between the last line of each stanza (fix eyes and alive) and change the first and second lines into a more psuedo-type rhyme. (like down and around in the last stanza).
Certain lines that sound childish to me are:
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but I swear to you that the law is broke
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broke would work in this instance, but with the word law and broke in the same sentence makes me think juvenile in jail. It's that subliminal message type of stuff.
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A problem waved, isn't one at all
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Are you sure you don't mean 'waived' here? It certainly makes more sense.
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but some folks just can't get no light
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Granted, this is mainly americana/country, 'just' doesn't do justice to the rest of the song. It's obviously filler here and a 'filler' could be used a little more wisely. You could get rid of just and use 'bright' to describe the light. It's your choice though man. I'm not writin' this song for you.
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I'm just waiting for my cards to fall
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I like the card metaphor. It'd be interesting to extend it like the National's "Secret Meeting" in which part of the situation is related to a game of poker. Great song, by the way, but beside the point. This idea here seems like it could be a good underbelly.
It's a pretty decent song. It would've certainly made more sense if you posted a clip or video, but that's a campaign I pursue on my own time, not yours.
peace out,
-nick