Quote:
Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon
This is a poem I recently wrote about an isanely realistic dream I had. Tell me what you think.
In my dream I am driving.
My tires grip onto winding roads embellished by the
Dancing shadows of
Sun shining through autumn leaves.
Turn after turn I embrace the sun
Warming my face, then disappearing behind a mountain
Only to re-emerge moments later.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon
I've tightened the cork
To the bottle I'm sending
I'm ready to find a new shore.
I think I'll be fine
In the waves of the ocean
As long as I wash up on yours.
Drifting with hope
And my fingers crossed twice
I'm holding my breath all the way.
I sing with the moonlight
And dance to the foam
While the current just lifts me away.
I've whispered your name
Through the cracks of my dreams
Let it pass through my lips like a song.
If I'm a blank page
You're a true poet's pen
We were meant to be "us" all along.
So search through the driftwood,
Sand, small bits of shell,
Whatever else you may discover.
In the bottle I sent you
Filled up with my love
There is me for you to uncover. |
Hi wolverinewolfweiselpigeon,
I'm making my way through your songs/poems from the beginning and so haven't focused yet on your new one! I especially enjoyed your emotional poem based on your very vivid dream (those are fascinating when they happen) and agree with reviewers who felt it would be even stronger without the repetition of the fact that it is a dream. The lines I put in bold (above) stick with me the most...they create a lovely image that reminds me of the reality I always appreciate in my life when I see it (the pattern of shadows and light filtering down through leaves of trees as the wind sways them).
Your hopeful offer of love in the bottle metaphor song is very sweet. This song captures the feeling of excitement and trepidation, the hope and some fear, as one offers oneself up to someone else, never knowing if life will go the way one hopes (since so much is out of our control) but hoping it will!
Though the idea of a bottle containing a message is similar to the Police's "message in a bottle song" as one person commented, the tone and feeling of your song seem very different: the speaker sounds innocent and daring, inviting the beloved to recognize the treasure offered. I don't actually remember anything about the Police's "message in a bottle" song except for that line ("message in a bottle") and the tune, which I never really cared for. Your song, though, sticks in my memory. You use great details...for example, you don't just "put" the cork in the bottle, but you tighten it, which instantly makes me imagine the way a cork feels as you twist it and feel it giving slightly against the hard glass of a bottle. Also, you do a very good job maintaining a rhyming pattern (without being strict about it) and a consistent meter.
--Erica