Music Banter - View Single Post

VeggieLover · 08-10-2009, 10:31 AM

K, i just read through all your lyrics and there are a few things that stand out consistantly.
#1- please take the time to read through the lyrics you just typed before you hit the "post" button. There are several instances where I wasnt really sure what you meant because of a typo (at least i think they were typos...) I think we could all take this advice...me included
#2- the rhymes... I love your rhyming/writing style, but as we got a chance to see, making a list of rhyming words and making lines out of them doesn't exactly make for a consice subject.

As to who she was
he was never quite certain
but he thought give her a name
---"Estelle" from the fuzz
as helifted her chin
"Why do you cry, there's nothing to shame"

This is an example. You built the first 3 lines well, but then, in an effort to rhyme, you kind of butchered the rythem and line of thought. I understand "fuzz" to be refering to a fuzz of conciousness perhaps? But then, the reference to the chin makes me think she has a fuzzy chin (like a peach lol).

Then, in the last line you force another rhyme. Shame certianly rhymes with name, and it fits with the concept, but you're using it as an infinitive when its a noun or a common verb. Poetry can play with structure to an extent, but not that much. You do that several times in your other poems too, but you'll have to find them yourself, I'm not good enough at using MB.com to do it efficiantly.

You also use a lot of "big words" at the end of lines, another indicator of forced rhyming. I'm not saying to avoid these words, but be careful not to use them just to get the rhyme you want or just for the sake of using them. If they are out of context (which they may or may not be) it confuses the meaning of the song and makes it seem a little brainy...something the average listener cannot even begin to connect with. It is however refreshing seeing someone use these words at all, so keep up the good work.

My favorite lyrics by far were "Something, Nevermind". It had a few rough spots just reading it out, but I'm sure set to music they virtually disappear. The concept was original, playful with a morbid background, good rhyme scheme, and just repetitive enough to define it from an intellectual poem. I'm not sure you should restrict yourself to the style you're used to writing. You do well with the nursery rhyme style...maybe embrace that a bit more in your subject matter. Jonney Cash is great, but he's him and not you.

08-10-2009, 10:31 AM	#34 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	K, i just read through all your lyrics and there are a few things that stand out consistantly. #1- please take the time to read through the lyrics you just typed before you hit the "post" button. There are several instances where I wasnt really sure what you meant because of a typo (at least i think they were typos...) I think we could all take this advice...me included #2- the rhymes... I love your rhyming/writing style, but as we got a chance to see, making a list of rhyming words and making lines out of them doesn't exactly make for a consice subject. As to who she was he was never quite certain but he thought give her a name ---"Estelle" from the fuzz as helifted her chin "Why do you cry, there's nothing to shame" This is an example. You built the first 3 lines well, but then, in an effort to rhyme, you kind of butchered the rythem and line of thought. I understand "fuzz" to be refering to a fuzz of conciousness perhaps? But then, the reference to the chin makes me think she has a fuzzy chin (like a peach lol). Then, in the last line you force another rhyme. Shame certianly rhymes with name, and it fits with the concept, but you're using it as an infinitive when its a noun or a common verb. Poetry can play with structure to an extent, but not that much. You do that several times in your other poems too, but you'll have to find them yourself, I'm not good enough at using MB.com to do it efficiantly. You also use a lot of "big words" at the end of lines, another indicator of forced rhyming. I'm not saying to avoid these words, but be careful not to use them just to get the rhyme you want or just for the sake of using them. If they are out of context (which they may or may not be) it confuses the meaning of the song and makes it seem a little brainy...something the average listener cannot even begin to connect with. It is however refreshing seeing someone use these words at all, so keep up the good work. My favorite lyrics by far were "Something, Nevermind". It had a few rough spots just reading it out, but I'm sure set to music they virtually disappear. The concept was original, playful with a morbid background, good rhyme scheme, and just repetitive enough to define it from an intellectual poem. I'm not sure you should restrict yourself to the style you're used to writing. You do well with the nursery rhyme style...maybe embrace that a bit more in your subject matter. Jonney Cash is great, but he's him and not you. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."