Quote:
Originally Posted by asshat
Be completely frank with me, please!
_____________________________
She’s moved on to something greener
She’s a librarian or ballerina
Who would know
She didn’t have to go
I look out the window pane
The pane breaks cause I smashed it
And I pick up the shard and go straight for the veins
I told her it had to be like this if she ever left me
But she didn’t listen, she said it would be insane
To do some something so childish
Like carving up my wrists for sympathy
I had the foolish notion
That she’d come back through the door
And give me a kiss because
She’d be taking the threats more serious
Than before
If I had a friend they’d tell me to gain
Some weight, get some shuteye
And my priorities straight
Thankfully that’s not the case
I’m free to be a reprobate
Who chronically masturbates
And sleeps well past noon
Doesn’t bathe and eats peanutbutter
Right off of the spoon.
|
Hi, asshat,
I especially like the section of the first poem that I've shown in bold because it (amusingly, to me) describes a loner quite well. Have you considered separating the lyrics into two separate songs? The first could be the suicidal cry for help song by the person who doesn't handle rejection well because he's depending on others (his ex, for example) for emotional stability and self-worth. The second could be about the happy-go-lucky reprobate. The reason I ask is that the tone used in the two portions of the first song seems very different: the first part is full of angst/sadness; the second is full of bravado and humor. I chuckled at the "eats peanut butter right off of the spoon," because that seems like such a very tame "reprobate" thing to do!
As for the word choice in these lyrics, I notice you saturate the second stanza with words rhyming with "reprobate": weight, straight, masterbate. You also rhyme "reprobate" with the vowel sounds in "case" and "bathe." The rhyming helps build a feeling of cohesion (and humor) in this stanza. Do you want the meter of the lyrics to flow with approximately equal numbers of syllables per line, or do you prefer it to have less of a rhythmic pattern?
--Erica