Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA
Hi, VeggieLover!
I'm sorry my review arrives so late! This is a busy time of the year for maize geneticists in the MidWest. I've been out in the hot Iowan fields every day this week pollinating corn and have not had much time for MB fun!
First, before I give feedback on "Cold" (the poem you can imagine most easily being converted into a song) and a little on your last poem, I want to say how well both you and your other vocalist sing in your song "Stop Here" on your group's MySpace page. The instrumentals are excellent, as well. I also liked seeing the photos of all of you in the recording studio and doing fun things together (prom, etc.!). It is too bad that your bandmates are all graduating! What will happen to your group, Snow State?
Now, on to "Cold."
I understand the basic subject as being our struggle to find our way in an unkind word/universe without being destroyed emotionally. You use several metaphors such as a place beyond our understanding where "spikes and spirals" grow. Are these the spikes and spirals of the black roses' thorny stems and leaves?
You next talk about the needle (so, again, a sharp object). I like the image of it piercing "the everyday"...as in piercing through to the daily life in which most of us live, doing everyday things, like buying food, brushing teeth, putting on socks, etc. etc.
I have a couple word choice suggestions and hope it is okay with you that I mention them in italics below.
VeggieLover, if I had more time right now I'd talk in depth about your poem for your dad, which I assume is a true poem about your dad's sudden death due to cancer, for which I am sorry. This is an emotional poem that I feel could be converted into a moving song. The song includes a lot of wisdom from the father, including my favorite lines:
"You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest."
(I would remove the second "that" because you actually write it earlier: "You said that if I walked ahead/ led the group up the trail/ I'd always have time to sit/and just rest." You have here an "if...then" statement without the "then," which is okay. I like the image of a parent telling his child not to be afraid to be a leader, to go alone.)
Bye for now!
--Erica
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SnowState will have to go on a break for now, but we are planning on having a "return tour" during christmas break because everyone will be home for the holidays, which basically means we'll just get together and jam
. Until then I'll have plenty to do with school, but there are a few candidates i have my eye on for a new band (including my brother who plays guitar quite well).
Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my poems. My style generally incorperates a few different metaphors in a type of "weave," such as the sharpness that is seen throughout the poem in the thorns and needle. I agree that "snipped" is a more subtle verb, and it was meant to be. No one can really look at a group of people and tell which ones are being stabbed through with hopelessness. Our society tends to shave it away bit by bit so we won't ever know it's happening. "Shorn" is supposed to bring up an image of sheep which puts you in a field and prepares you for the next stanza. "spikes and spirals" is a personal referance (thats what my boyfriend laughingly calls me
) but I thought the curving images of vines fit well with the vegetation images of fields of black roses. They aren't neccisarly (arg i can't spell!) the roses themselves, but they could be.
The Storm and needle (yes, supposed to invoke the image of lightning) are refering back to the cloud in the first stanza. Even in the poem it is evident that this ominous thing that we are up against is growing.
"Growing as it may" is actually just the way I talk and wasn't meant as a filler, nor was it a forced rhyme, but the fact that it comes off that way needs i need to spend a bit more time in editing. You could look at this line as an indication that the storm grows of its own accord, we as individuals can't control it.
I may want to add another few stanzas calling listeners to action, or mentioning something about a fight. If you've read a Wrinkle in Time, this is the "darkness" that is overtaking the planets, and it can be fought, if we stick together.
As for my last poem, yes it is a cathartic writing based on my own experiences. This is the only free verse poem I posted, but it isn't in my usual free verse style. I'll edit out some of the rough spots you mentioned
If you (or anyone else!) gets the chance, i would love to hear more suggestions!