Hi, VeggieLover!
I'm sorry my review arrives so late! This is a busy time of the year for maize geneticists in the MidWest. I've been out in the hot Iowan fields every day this week pollinating corn and have not had much time for MB fun!
First, before I give feedback on "Cold" (the poem you can imagine most easily being converted into a song) and a little on your last poem, I want to say how well both you and your other vocalist sing in your song "Stop Here" on your group's MySpace page. The instrumentals are excellent, as well. I also liked seeing the photos of all of you in the recording studio and doing fun things together (prom, etc.!). It is too bad that your bandmates are all graduating! What will happen to your group, Snow State?
Now, on to "Cold."
Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover
Some of these actually do incorperate rhyme (suprisingly) and I've chosen them as my favorites (for now). Tell me what you think and PLEASE don't be afraid to offer suggestions!
Cold
A cloud of hate engulfs us
There's nowhere left to turn
In this world of heavy choices
Where our hope's been snipped and shorn
Beyond our understanding is
Where spikes and spirals grow
In fields of black roses
That have only thorns to show
In fact this storn is moving
And growing as it may
A long and desprate needle
That pierces the everyday
This mass of heavy nothingness
Will leave you broken spined
Broken and bleeding
With scars as piece of mind
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I understand the basic subject as being our struggle to find our way in an unkind word/universe without being destroyed emotionally. You use several metaphors such as a place beyond our understanding where "spikes and spirals" grow. Are these the spikes and spirals of the black roses' thorny stems and leaves?
You next talk about the needle (so, again, a sharp object). I like the image of it piercing "the everyday"...as in piercing through to the daily life in which most of us live, doing everyday things, like buying food, brushing teeth, putting on socks, etc. etc.
I have a couple word choice suggestions and hope it is okay with you that I mention them in italics below.
Quote:
Cold
A cloud of hate engulfs us
There's nowhere left to turn
In this world of heavy choices
Where our hope's been snipped and shorn
(I recommend using a different word besides "snipped" because "snipping" sounds so delicate...I'm wondering if there is another "s" word that would do more damage to hope than "snipping" does to it? Perhaps "shashed"? This would also repeat the "sh" sound:
"Where our hope's been slashed and shorn")
Beyond our understanding is
Where spikes and spirals grow
In fields of black roses
That have only thorns to show
(If I were writing this I would probably say,
"In fields of black roses
having only thorns to show"
because this gets rid of a bumpy-sounding "that" and lets the "ings" rhyme.)
In fact this storn is moving
And growing as it may
A long and desprate needle
That pierces the everyday
(I'm thinking you meant "storm" and "desperate." I am now envisioning the poem as a scene in which a storm is growing over a field of deathly black roses, and this hidden reality of hate/sadness is starting to break into everyday life. Again, I would probably write "piercing" because my own personal preference is to want to avoid the word "that." Is the needle like lightning, or the needle-shape of a tornado? I am wondering about the relationship between the metaphor of the storm and the metaphor of the needle.
I am also wondering about the "as it may" because I suspect you used the word "may" to make sure it would rhyme with "day." It feels to me like a "filler" word and I would prefer that the word used moves the subject matter forward. I might also emphasize the sharpness of the needle, rather than the length, because "long needle" can have a penis connotation! For example, you could write:
"In fact this storn is moving
And growing, dark and gray,
A sharp and desperate needle
That pierces the everyday)
This mass of heavy nothingness
Will leave you broken spined
Broken and bleeding
With scars as piece of mind
(You repeat the word broken to give it extra emphasis. Would you prefer a different word than the second "broken," or do you like the repetition?
"Scars as piece of mind"...this line intrigues me because I am not sure if you are playing with the phrase "peace of mind" or not. I think the meaning you intend is that the hate/sadness/nothingness leave scars on one's mind, but I actually like thinking of them as leaving scars on one's peace of mind...meaning there is no more peace of mind.)
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VeggieLover, if I had more time right now I'd talk in depth about your poem for your dad, which I assume is a true poem about your dad's sudden death due to cancer, for which I am sorry. This is an emotional poem that I feel could be converted into a moving song. The song includes a lot of wisdom from the father, including my favorite lines:
"You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest."
(I would remove the second "that" because you actually write it earlier: "You said
that if I walked ahead/ led the group up the trail/ I'd always have time to sit/and just rest." You have here an "if...then" statement without the "then," which is okay. I like the image of a parent telling his child not to be afraid to be a leader, to go alone.)
Bye for now!
--Erica
Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover
For My Daddy
Ever since that night, now so far removed
From my thoughts, that scare I remember
The details that would later rent me through
I have missed you
When I put on my make-up every morning,
I remember that you said
"Never forget that you don't need make-up
To be beautiful"
I remember how you taught me
To add hundreds tgether with out giving up
And how long I grinned when I finally got it.
Now I'm doing Calculus.
How many times did you tell me that
"Communication is the key"
and how many times has just talking
Saved me?
You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest.
Do you know how many times I've lost your smile?
Or forgotten the way you tugged on my braid every morning?
Does the loss of me hurt you the way that
Loss has shattered me?
I wonder if you would still be proud
Though I've stumbled on the way
For making choices and finding me --
It's required sacrifice
I wish you could still walk me to school,
I don't want to sit and drive.
And I cry to think how many times you'll miss
Me walking 'cross the stage
That night when, me so young,
Cancer took you far
Without warning you were gone
And left on me a scar
But life goes on, and Oh!
How I've loved you.
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