My most important note to you is to keep it simple. Your adding more words than are necessarily needed. Change some simple phrases into one word (it could be simple or complex). I would also recommend you change the audience from your girl to the audience. Always keep in mind that the Audience is the one your singing to and you should only narrow it if you are really desperate for this girl and you need the audience to hear it. Otherwise, you should keep it purely story-telling.
I would also try some rhyming techniques like Internal Rhyming (
I'm the Man Who Loves You- Wilco), Assonance (
Tenuousness- Andrew Bird), Consonance (
Let it Be- The Beatles) and consider using some more allusions (Jon Foreman's songs are littered with em')
Another recommendation is that you should use a specific pattern. Like in Iron & Wine's "Upward Over the Mountain", he starts off with 'mother' in every line of the verse.
Greatfully, you've got a base, now start ironing it out. Here's a link that helped me alot first time:
folksong.org.nz/composing. (I can't post links yet
) It starts off slow, but it should help you out allot.
peace,
-nick