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7gaugejames · 03-04-2009, 08:07 AM

I thought it was a song, i like it, i immediatley got a melody in my head with it. I think trite means commonplace, over used, when speaking of the anguish of the heart what combination of words aren't trite? We write from only two places and non-submissivewife was partly right, not love or death, it's love or fear. I wrote a poem out of fear once, it sounds angry and bitter, i was, structure does not flow through emotion, it is learned and come from reflex. Write and write and write. I want non-submissivewife to know, i like her comments on your piece, and her suggestion to continue. There is nothing scarier than puting yoursef out there, but as i say," art with no audience is only self indulgent". Kudos on being able to take criticism, that will serve you well. Here's my angry, bitter, fearful little piece.

A mask is to hide, a facade to fool,
the lies of a woman, the tears in a pool.
From the rib of man, came a dagger of bone,
no warmth can envade, a heart of stone.
She preys on my feelings, to enjoy her own.
When I try to play, I'm left alone.
Her love is the weapon, her sex is the tool,
her mask is to hide, her facade to fool.

This was accompanied by a charcoal sketch of a bare breasted Mona Lisa holding a mask to her face, the mask was a harlequin at first but then was later changed to a version of a " the man in the iron mask " kinda thing. I no longer fear rejection, loathe it yes, fear it, not so much. Keep writing.

03-04-2009, 08:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	No man's land I thought it was a song, i like it, i immediatley got a melody in my head with it. I think trite means commonplace, over used, when speaking of the anguish of the heart what combination of words aren't trite? We write from only two places and non-submissivewife was partly right, not love or death, it's love or fear. I wrote a poem out of fear once, it sounds angry and bitter, i was, structure does not flow through emotion, it is learned and come from reflex. Write and write and write. I want non-submissivewife to know, i like her comments on your piece, and her suggestion to continue. There is nothing scarier than puting yoursef out there, but as i say," art with no audience is only self indulgent". Kudos on being able to take criticism, that will serve you well. Here's my angry, bitter, fearful little piece. A mask is to hide, a facade to fool, the lies of a woman, the tears in a pool. From the rib of man, came a dagger of bone, no warmth can envade, a heart of stone. She preys on my feelings, to enjoy her own. When I try to play, I'm left alone. Her love is the weapon, her sex is the tool, her mask is to hide, her facade to fool. This was accompanied by a charcoal sketch of a bare breasted Mona Lisa holding a mask to her face, the mask was a harlequin at first but then was later changed to a version of a " the man in the iron mask " kinda thing. I no longer fear rejection, loathe it yes, fear it, not so much. Keep writing. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.