Trollheart

The separation sequence is as long-winded and boring as it sounds. It adds nothing to it, except that Picard now has Worf’s balls in his pocket, and the Klingon is not a happy bunny. Picture the worst ever family road trip you’ve been on, the one where the windows stuck closed and it was 90 in the shade, where traffic jams clogged up the road and grandpa had that dicky tummy. Then add in that your wife or husband was cheating on you, you knew it but could not prove it, they knew you knew but knew you could not prove it, and everyone pretended everything was fine. Now multiply by a factor of 1000. And you’re still nowhere close to how pissed off Worf must be. But not a millionth as pissed off as we were when Picard bloody surrenders! I remember turning to my late best friend as we watched this in his apartment in London for the first time ever and we both said the same thing: “Kirk would never do that!” And he wouldn’t. He’d find some way out of it, use his guile and expertise and Kobayashi Maru the hell out of that situation. And all with a cheeky grin. But Picard was not Kirk, as we were quickly learning, and he seldom if ever grinned. No, dour, stern, stoic grimness was Picard’s standard expression, and over seven seasons it seldom changed much.


"Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?"

Interesting, again, that when the crew find themselves in Q’s courtroom, and Picard says it’s the late twenty-first century, the “Post Atomic Horror”, what do we see on the wall behind him? Why, unless I miss my guess that looks very much like the eagle of Germany! Oh how cliched! And everything is red and black. Duh. Funny when the judge (Q) arrives and the clerk tells everyone to stand up, half are dwarves, and I can imagine him going “You! Stand up!” and the dwarf going “I am fucking standing!” Heh. Also funny how surprised they all are when it’s Q who turns up as the judge. I mean, how many other omnipotent aliens who have warned them to go back home or face the consequences have they met recently? Some super over-the-top ham acting by Denise Crosby before she’s rightly turned into a Yarsicle. I note O’Brien has appeared, though he doesn’t rate a name, first or last, yet, and is referred merely to as “conn”. A good Irish name, that.

Here’s a thing though. The time period is said to be the late 21st century, and yet Yar speaks of living though this time; in later episodes she will talk of her attempts to evade “rape gangs” (quite a heavy subject for a science fiction show in the late 1980s by the way). So, are we supposed to believe this “Post Atomic Horror”, as Picard calls it, lasted over three hundred years? Into the 24th century? Or is Tasha Yar a mite older than her service record says? I find it hard to believe Earth was under this kind of “mob rule/anarchy” thing for three centuries! I mean, even the Dark Ages only lasted one or two. But maybe. I just wonder, is all.

Enter Riker, beardless and who has obviously been told that to act properly you must keep your legs apart as far as possible, and your arms should hang loose as if you were modelling for a later action figure, many of which will of course be produced and sold. The exchange between him and Zorn over the apple is an example, I think, of poor writing. He asks for an apple, and there are bananas and oranges and grapes, which he declines to take. For him it’s an apple or nothing. Then, when one appears, Zorn says “Yes, there was another selection.” Now, anyone in their right mind would say “Why in the name of Jim Kirk didn’t you say there was another selection? I’m gagging for an apple!” Not only that, but the “second selection” is nothing BUT apples! Doesn’t he think, “Fuck me, but you’re an idiot! You didn’t see an entire bowl of bright red apples right at your side? Do you need glasses or what?” But no; he just accepts it and smiles. Isn’t he a little suspicious? Where did the apple come from? Any snakes around? And what kind of title is fucking Groppler anyway? Sounds like something Kirk would be fighting in a disused quarry sorry on a desert planet. If this was the first time you’d seen this, you might be wondering what in Hell Zorn’s problem is with fruit, as he seems to be berating it after Riker leaves. Fruitist.


"Dave's not here, man!"

What is Riker’s deal though? As we’re introduced to one of my crushes (sorry) he is told they are about to go shopping AND HE GOES WITH THEM! What man, given a choice, would actually decide to go with a woman on a shopping trip? He may have cause to regret that. Anyway, this then is of course the lovely Beverly Crusher, who will cause such a commotion in Picard’s regulation-issue Starfleet Y-fronts when he meets her, leading us perhaps to wonder if there was not some ulterior motive in his having sent her hubby off to his death some years before? Sadly, we’re also subjected to the youngest Wesley Crusher that can be found. I mean, Wesley was a cunt, at any age (though Wil Wheaton turned out to be all right in other roles) but as a - what is he? Twelve? - as a kid of this age, he’s just so insufferably annoying that you wish Bev had gone to the other clinic when he was due. You know the one I mean! He won’t get any better, and it won’t be till Starfleet Academy can no longer realistically refuse his application that we will be rid of him, so stand by for much annoyance, smug arrogance, and, unfortunately, brushes with death that never quite come off.

Hey, considering she’s just bought a whole bolt of cloth from that guy, does he look stoned to you? Doesn’t smile, doesn’t bow, doesn’t even move. When Riker realises the Crushers know his new captain, Wesley tells him “While I was little, he brought my father’s body home to us.” I’m sure Riker thinks “That’s weird. Usually it’s a football or an album or a book or something…”
Next up is Geordi. Hands up who liked Geordi? All those, huh? Not me. I mean, nothing specifically against him, but I was always bored by his character, and it was only his friendship with Data that brought, in my opinion, anything he did to my interest. Never quite got the visor. I mean, yeah, they want to show off how much science has advanced in the 24th century, but apart from a few episodes where it was useful, you know, what use is it? Just makes him look like one of Devo, if you ask me. If they had black members. This is the first time we see the new transport effect, and to be perfectly fair, they haven’t changed it much, have they? Still, Star Trek remains the only science fiction series, even now, so far as I know, to use personal matter transport, other than Blake’s 7.


"Excuse me? Excuse me? Sorry to bother you, but you haven't seen, like, a saucer section around here have you? Some idiot's only gone and taken it. I was only away five minutes! I don't know, this sector of the galaxy, aliens coming over here, stealing our jobs, taking our women..."

Now let’s be honest here. The Enterprise looks shit without its saucer section, doesn’t it? It’s like, I don’t know, a 747 without the hump, or a big rig without its trailer. It just looks lost and sad and really uncomfortable, like it’s half naked. Riker has to watch a movie as soon as he arrives - I think he might give it two thumbs; the production values are shit but the costumes aren’t bad - and Picard uses the phrase “Make it so” for the first, but by no means the last time. We also hear that the captain’s office is now called the Ready Room, for some reason. I mean, like, ready for what? Kirk never had a ready room. Of course, Kirk was born ready, and conducted every decision from his chair on the bridge, unless he was displaying his manly chest in sickbay. But really: a ready room? What is this, the 24th century? Oh. It is. Carry on then.

You know, I get it. Picard is proving, or testing a point. But is it not a little reckless to order Riker to conduct a manual re-attachment of the big jaffa cake bit to the main ship? Like, sure, he can do it, but what if he fucks it up? It’s not like this is a simulation. If he chokes, people are going to die. Would Worf consider that an honourable death, I wonder? Well, he’d surely take the other part of the Enterprise with him, so maybe. The Klingon Empire would certainly be toasting him. Not at war with the Federation, you say? No, no: that’s just what they want you to think!

Not to mention that Picard is also putting his own life, and that of the entire ship - saucer plus battle bridge (and who came up with that stupid name? What’s wrong with The Bit That’s Left?) - in danger. I mean, does he know Riker? For all he’s aware, this guy could have bopped the real William T. Riker on the head and taken his uniform, an escapee from a loony bin. Didn’t think about that, did you Picard? What if - oh. The ship’s back together. Almost as boring as when it split. Yawn. Why did Data ask “You mean manual, sir? No automation?” That is, after all, surely, the very definition of manual? I thought he was supposed to be smart?

Something occurs to me, to be serious for a moment. Is the separation of the ship supposed to be a metaphor for the fact that it has not its full complement, that its first office and doctor are on Deneb IV - separated from it - and that it will only be whole, and the series as a unit ready, once they all join up. If so, then that feeling is intensified and perhaps confirmed when it’s Riker who is the one who, quite literally, brings the ship back together, heals the rift, both in terms of his presence and of the return of the saucer section. Never thought of that before, but I wonder now is it some cerebral subtext the writers were trying to show? Okay, enough deep thought for now: back to the fun.

Questioning his new number one later, Picard asks “Captain’s rank means nothing to you, then?” And Riker says “Quite the reverse sir.” So Picard asks again, “Then you to nothing means rank Captain’s?” Riker must wonder how Yoda got on board. There is however a complete absence of gasps when Picard remarks that he’s not good with children. No shit. I bet children run screaming from him, seeing him as some sort of bald cross between Yul Brynner in Westworld and the Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang! The first of many, many, interminable and stultifyingly boring rounds of technobabble as Geordi explains how visor works. We don’t care man. It allows you to see, but you’re in constant pain all the time? Doesn’t seem a great deal to me. Should have gone to Specsavers.

Now we get what is, to be fair, a pretty pointless cameo by DeForest Kelley as he reprises his role as Dr. McCoy for the last time ever. I mean, it’s touching, and I like when he says to Data “I don’t see no points on your ears boy, but you sound like a Vulcan.” We’ll get other cameos as the series progresses, though oddly enough perhaps no Kirk. He’s waiting for the movie, so he can take it over, as is his wont. Oh yeah, and now we get the AWKWARD reunion of Troi and Riker, and hear for the first time the telepathic thoughts of the former. I’m not sure they’ve mentioned she’s a telepath up to now, but I may have missed that while I was sneering over something else. Like her being the only one on board to have to wear a short skirt and boots. She doesn’t look happy about it. I’m sure she’s thinking “Am I nothing more than the eye candy here?” Sorry Marina, you are. I mean, Bev is great, but we’re all going to be watching your ahhhnd she uses the word Imzadi for the first time, which, though it sounds like a make of Japanese car, is in fact the Betazed word for “beloved”. Ahhh. How sweet. Picard is as good with body language as he is with kids, apparently, and fails to notice the smouldering sexual tension between them. Or maybe he’s just looking at her tits.

With absolutely no idea what they’re doing of course, the writers have Picard refer to the Ferengi as monsters. “Let’s hope they find you as tasty,” he tells Zorn, “as their past associates.” For we who now know what the Ferengi are, this is clearly a vague reference while Roddenberry and Fontana look at each other and shrug “Who the fuck are the Ferengi gonna be?” But it is funny. Give Siritits, sorry Sirtis, her due here: good acting when she tunes in to the brainwaves of the imprisoned jellyfish aliens. Oh sorry have I spoiled the ending for you? It’s only over thirty years old; maybe I should have been more careful. Oh hey, there’s that Vulcan again. I was wrong. Still no name or line for him though. And a dwarf. Oh no that’s just a very small woman, eyeline almost on Riker’s crotch.

Ah, the holodeck! This was great, no question. The idea was so cool, and of course would form the backdrop for many an inventive episode in the coming seasons. It’s where Riker meets Data for the first time, and where we hear that the android has a Pinocchio complex. We’re also shown how strong Data is, as he lifts Wesley with one hand out of the river, but sadly does not follow the instructions in his surname, and Wesley remains uncrushed. Boo.


"So your saucer section is bigger than ours! Size isn't everything, you know!"

I’m slagging this off, just for fun, but you know, it is reawakening some nice feelings, reminding me of the first time I saw the series. Remember - as you probably do - this was the first time we saw a new Star Trek since the original. It was big, big news at the time and the possibilities seemed, and kind of were, endless. Seeing all the characters meet and talk about the things they’re going to do and the things they’re going to see takes me right back to when thirty was still a milestone some way off. 1987. My ma was alive, I was in work, Karen was well, Gary (my best friend) was alive - though not for long; he would die that year, money was relatively plentiful, Bill was in the White House and Covid was over thirty years away yet. All was right with the world. Video recorders were the big new thing and I rented my massive CRT Grundig 28 inch TV. AND I had hair. Sigh. Well, enough reminiscing I guess. Back to the show.

Sparks fly when Picard meets Beverly again for the first time in years, and you know, I’ve always wondered could Wesley be his? Probably not, but there’s a look passes between them, and Picard and Wesley, that makes me think about it. When the big alien ship comes on the scene and starts blowing the shit out of the old Bandhi city, Picard readies photon torpedoes, until Worf tells him the ship is not hitting Farpoint Station, just the city. “Oh, well that’s all right,” grins Picard. “As long as they’re not damaging the merchandise, nothing to do with us.” The fact that the ship is, as stated, more than twelve times their volume (surely that should be size? Who says volume when talking about starships?) might have something to do with his reluctance to defend the city, not to mention his dislike of Zorn. I know how you feel, Picard. Guy drives me mad with his free jazz experimental avant-garde music.


"Let's try to take the sting out of this meeting, shall we? What? WHAT?!! Oh come on now, don't be such a jellyfish! What??!!"

It’s pretty rich when Q arrives and sneers “savage life forms never follow even their own rules”: it was him who broke his own rules in the court scene. Not a great advertisement for a so-called higher race now, is he? Quite funny too when Riker stands before him, dirty and dusty with cuts and bruises on his face, and declares “Humanity is no longer a savage race!” He’s only short of adding “And if you say we are, I’ll club you and eat your brains!” Picard offers Bev a transfer, but she likes playing for Enterprise United. He says his presence will remind her of a terrible personal tragedy, and she’s surely thinking “Oh you weren’t that bad in bed, Jean-Luc!” Good old Bev: she’s the only one who can send Picard away with a flea in his ear, as she pwns him totally and leaves him muttering “I hope we can be friends?” She thinking “well okay but you’re not getting within a light year of my action again!”

It’s a bit humiliating to see Picard beg Q to help him and save his people, but then I guess he is human. Never noticed before, but the first scene and the last scene are both of Picard: making sure everyone knows he’s the star, eh? Shatner would be proud.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018