It always strikes me as weird why someone discounts their own work when they post it to be critiqued - and again why you write something in 10 minutes and tell us about it. But most of the time - they are usually correct and we can tell that it was written in 10 minutes and that it "sucks". That really isn't the case here - it is a nice launching pad for something that it could become - it's like a coloring book - you have the picture - now just fill it in. Bit cheesy like someone said - but love is cheesy - so, there you are.
The allusion to a deeper meaning is obvious... maybe too obvious? Sort of contrived almost like... "Yes, I'm trying to get this vague message out - my theme - but I'm going to do it in a round about way." Just walking that line... be careful, I used to do that and thats when I changed my style to the storyteller that I am today...
color in the picture big guy, then you'll have something! Good start though~
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