"WATCH CON-TROL SCREAM LIKE A GIRL WHEN I JUMP OUT AT HIM!"
Title of episode: “The Expedition”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 9th episode overall
Part: 5 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 18 1964
As the Doctor beats Ian over the head growling “You stupid boy!” they make their way back to the city, where the Daleks are looking at home slides it would appear. Not quite sure what the deal is but I think they’ve managed to bug the trio - or one of them - as they’re able to get shots of them meeting with the Thalls. Mind you, for an advanced race they sure know ****-all about photograph development: I got better pictures than those the first time I picked up a Praktika SLR camera, and I would have been about thirteen at the time. Barely discernible at all; no Photoshop for them, then! Our next scene shows us an outraged Hard-on saying to Ian “No! And that is my final word!” as Ian shrugs and says “Doesn’t anyone on the stupid planet want to have sex?” Ah well.
Barbara can’t understand Ian’s reluctance to encourage the Thalls to fight the Daleks, thus helping them get into the city. “I won’t ask them to sacrifice themselves for us!” he declares. The Doctor can’t understand this attitude either. Surely ALL races should consider it a great honour to sacrifice themselves for him? Them. Them, of course he meant. No doubt, if he could drive them all before him with a quantum whip, have the Daleks exterminate them and in the confusion grab the doodad to get his TARDIS back on the road, he’d do it faster than you can say “The Face of Bo”. Meh, maybe next regeneration, when he’s feeling stronger. Sucks being old. Ian is the real pacifist now, the moraliser who refuses to throw the Thalls to the wolves, sorry Daleks. He asks acidly “When so many of them have died, will you hold up the (whatever the fu
ck it’s called: let’s keep saying doodad - I like that word, and want to use it more in general conversation) doodad and say this is what you fought and died for?”
Well of course not, thinks the Doctor.
We’ll be long gone by then!
"DOES-N'T AN-Y-ONE CLEAN UP THIS FUCK-ING PLACE? LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS!"
Ian finally forces the Thalls to grow a pair when he tries to take Naomi sorry Dyomi to the Daleks, and Hard-on hits him with a completely soundless punch. Those cutbacks, huh? Oh you brute! Thinks Dyomi. I thought you were a peaceful man! My mother was right. I should never have chosen you! Back in the city, one of the Daleks is in a spin, literally, crying “HELP! CAN-NOT CON-TROL! HELP ME! HELP ME!” Probably shouldn’t have had that third Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. Actually no, it turns out that one, and all the ones in that sector, are, well, high. With the title of the episode being "The Expedition", that's another word for trip, isn't it? Sorry. “ALL DA-LEKS IN SEC-TION THREE ARE IN-CAP-AB=LE OF WORK-ING!” shouts one Dalek. “LA-ZY BAS-TARDS!” a second one does not shout. “A SPELL IN THE AR-MY WOULD DO THEM A GAL-AX-Y OF GOOD! MY BRO-THER WAS A WAS-TREL AND THE AR-MY SOR-TED HIM RIGHT OUT!” Ignoring him, a third remarks "SEC-TION THREE? THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE TO RE-CEIVE THE AN-TI-RA-DI-A-TION DRUGS!” The first one mutters “OH BOL-LOCKS! THEY’RE ALL OUT OF THEIR SKULLS! JUST SAY NO!”
The head Dalek announces the immediate cessation of distribution of the drugs. Section four and five groan “COME ON MAN! DON’T BE A BUZZ-KILL! DON’T HOLD OUT ON US LIKE THIS!” But it seems Dalek City now has a zero-tolerance drug policy. THIS IS YOUR BRAIN! THIS IS YOUR BRAIN EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED ON DRUGS! Hard sell indeed. They realise that far from being damaged or hurt by radiation, Daleks thrive on it, and without it they are dying. No prob, bob: they still have that stash of neutron bombs that they bought wholesale at a one-time-only, never-to-be-repeated price - enter coupon code EXTERMINATE for a further ten percent off - and sure, there’s no point in them sitting there in the basement all covered in dust and of no use to anyone, like that Bullworker you bought, used once and then threw into a corner.
"Sorry, Hard-on, it's over. I can't be with a man who won't fight for me. Ian may be a bit of a caveman but -"
"Oh, darling!"
"I've seen the tapes, Ian."
The Daleks decide the Republican environmental approach is best: if you can’t or don’t want to adapt to the environment, adapt the environment to suit you. And if you’re a race that lives on radiation, that’s bad news for all other races. Or, as the Republicans would put it, f
uck your feelings. Apparently, all it took was one man fighting for his bird to overthrow centuries of Thall pussyness, and now they’re all fired up and ready to fight. “Let’s DO this thing!” roars one, punching a tree and breaking his wrist probably. Meanwhile, down in the swamp behind the city something stirs. It may be the BBC Radiophonics Workshop. Or it may be mutants. Or it may be mutants from the BBC Radiophonics Workshop. Ian seems to have hit it off with Ganatus, the other Thall of any consequence, and he, along with Barbara and some obvious cannon-fodder redshirts head off to recce the swamp. Lake. Thing. Whatever. Who really cares? “This place sucks,” quips Ian, and nobody laughs, as in 1964 that phrase doesn’t mean what it does today.
" A vortex? A fucking vortex? Who approved the funds for that? I thought we were told we would have to do with a few poxy ripples in the pool?"
You know, having been told there are mutants in the lake near the swamp, it wouldn’t strike me as a great idea to wash my face with the water, but no such concerns bother Ian as he intrepidly splashes stagnant water onto his face. Hopefully he’ll mutate into something less annoying. If there is such a creature. Looks like some sort of giant starfish with glowing eyes rising out of the swamp. Lake. Whatever. Anyway you just know someone’s gonna end up being its new carb-free diet, and so it proves as one of the other Thalls, whose name was mentioned but I don’t care heads down to fill up the water bags, unaware that the starfish thing is about to fill itself up with him. Oh dear.
Next episode is rather appropriately called “The Ordeal”. Yeah.
Comments
I suppose you have to give them some credit for trying to move the story along, but it’s still slower than a snail driving on the Tortoise Expressway. (“Slow down, you maniac!” yells an ancient turtle as the snail passes him by at the breakneck speed of three miles a week. “Wanna get yourself killed?") The Dalek stuff is more funny than intriguing; the bad trip section three goes on is unintentionally hilarious, and Daleks spinning around helplessly reminds me of a Doctor Who game I once had. Using the idea of a neutron bomb was topical for the time, as both the Russians and the Americans had been researching ways to kill maximum humans while leaving buildings and other infrastructure standing, and the neutron bomb was being tested as a means of achieving this. It’s kind of odd to read that the peacenik movement saved us from such a fate, as Reagan had to retire the last of his n-bombs (no, not n-words!) in 1992 as nobody in Europe would have them. No, not even if they got Green Stamps with them, or if for every ten bombs they took they got a free cowboy hat. Yay for the good guys, huh?
But on the planet of the Daleks there are no peaceniks, or if there are they have been exterminated, probably a job given to “Exterminate-Everything Eddie”, and there’s nobody to stop them deploying their neutron bombs. Plus, of course, focus groups on their planet are small and short-lived, literally. “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS AD-VERT-IS-MENT? YOU DO NOT LIKE IT? YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED! WHAT? OH, YOU DID LIKE IT, DID YOU? YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR MINDS! YOU ARE NOT RE-LI-AB-LE SOUR-CES. YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!” And so on. And hey, if you need poisonous radiation to live, who cares about others? These are Daleks, man. Daleks. They don’t do feelings, or compromise, or stand in the other guy’s shoes. Well, not unless you count rolling over the dust that used to be the other guy, I guess.
The stubborn pacificism of the Thalls really gets on my wick. I suppose it’s hard to fight with such wide padded shoulders and in such tight pants, but come on! The ladies are watching. Don't you want to be a big brave freedom fighter, and go to your death knowing she occasionally - very occasionally - will think of you and a wistful smile will cross her face? Ian is probably the most annoying he’s been here, and that’s up against some pretty stiff competition with the performance the Doctor puts in, I can tell you. I’m also not clear on exactly how the Daleks are recording the images of the Thalls and the Companions. Was it explained at the beginning? Maybe it was, but I couldn’t hear it over the sound of my head beating repeatedly against the wall.
You know, we’ve had five episodes now and really very little action. This is the planet of the fuc
king Daleks, you know? Exterminate something already! Don’t just talk about it, do it. Sure, we had the ambush, but really, could you call it a massacre? A poor one, if so. These are the guys who are going to wipe out worlds, planetary systems, whole galaxies - time and reality itself! Don’t you think they could manage more than a few lightly-charred Thalls?
And what of the swamp, or lake, or whatever the damn hell it is? Don’t those starfish things closely resemble what we now know an actual Dalek looks like? Can these be some sort of distant cousin of the mobile pepper pots? And can I stand any more of this? All will be revealed next week, which will probably land me in the dock for indecent exposure, but however.
Diagnosing the Doctor
Oh God, would someone just slap him in the mouth for me? He’s back to that holding the lapels thing, like a college professor or teacher in a Victorian school. That really annoys me. He challenges Ian to a time traveller showdown, but nothing comes of it. His role in this episode basically seems to be sucking up to Barbara, hiding behind her and going “Yeah! That’s right! What she said!” while praising Susan for having faith in him. I mean, all though the damn serial - and the previous one - one burning question has been haunting me: what in the name of blue jumping fu
ck does he DO? So far all he’s really done is got them caught in the middle of a war (without, I should point out, the prospect of securing any oil fields or resources, as this is, as noted in the first episode, a dead planet) because he wanted to go down to the city and the grown-ups said no. Christ in a full radiation hazmat suit with a geiger counter! What’s the point of him? He even says ruefully “It looks like my little trick has backfired!” It’s a wonder the others don’t say “Backfired? I'll give you fu
cking backfired! Stupid old fool!”
Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E09 - Minus 75/100
Charting the Companions
Reluctantly, though I hate him, I have to give this one to Ian. He’s the one trying to get the Thalls to fight, rather less successfully than Captain Kirk, and get them into the city. He threatens to give the Daleks the Thalls’ precious records, at which they shrug and say “Do it, dude. It’s just some old family movies and letters from dead people anyway. Don’t know why we keep them around.” Seeing this fail as a tactic, he grabs Dymoni and says he’ll take her to the Daleks. “Oh no you ****ing don’t squire!” grunts Hard-on. “Family pictures and embarrassing letters is one thing, but you take your hands off my squeeze! Take THAT!” Unfortunately, the BBC sound technician was busy noting that the dearth of material provided for the female Thalls affords one quite the opportunity to get a nice eyeful, oh my yes, and missed his cue. Since there was no point in trying to add in the sound after Ian had fallen, the sound is left out and it looks, well, as ridiculous as it sounds. But pain in the arse though he is, Ian does the most of the Companions this time around.
His sudden switch from “I won’t ask them to fight for us” to “I only want them to fight if it’s for them” is an odd one, and hard to get my head around. He gets no help from anyone else; Barbara basically challenges his manhood - what use is he, what children of his will she bear if he can’t even turn a peace-loving forest dweller into a bloodthirsty Navy SEAL? Mostly her role here is to nag, nag, and nag some more. And maybe nag a little. And nag. And eventually she drives Ian to action, if it’s only to try to adbuct the pretty Thall and get away from Barbara’s rasping tongue. Susan does just about nothing, though she does climb a tree, for some reason.
Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 65/100
Barbara: Minus 20/100