"OH MY HEAD! WHAT WAS I DRINK-ING LAST NIGHT? FEELS LIKE IT'S
SPLIT-TING APART! SOME-ONE GET ME SOME PA-RA-CE-TE-MOL!"
Title of episode: “The Ambush”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 4 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 18 1964
With the farcical idea of Ian inside a Dalek shell kicking this off, can we expect much? I suppose we can, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to get it, does it? I wonder if the Daleks have membership of the AA? “LOOK! NUM-BER SIX-ONE-NINE HAS BRO-KEN DOWN! WHO HAS THE MEM-BER-SHIP CARD? WHAT? NO, I DIS-TINCT-LY RE-MEM-BER YOU TAK-ING IT, NUM-BER FOUR-FIVE-THREE! YOU DID! YOU BLOOD-Y DID! DON’T YOU CALL ME A LI-AR YOU FAT SACK OF -” Maybe not. Oh come on now! How is that not a sexual innuendo? After literally days of trying to get Barbara interested, Ian finally has her leading him by the di - um - sintergator probe. Yeah. Actually, now I look, both women are holding his long, thick, hard, um, probe. But isn’t Susan underage? For shame! Who ever heard of a male teacher messing with a younger female student? Um.
Yeah, we all know what men are led by, don't we?
“Let go!” snaps Ian. “I think I’ve found out how to operate this thing!” And up his probe rises, as the two women let go of it. All right, all right: enough smut, I know. You’re no fun anymore. What’s that you say? You were never fun? Well, all right then. Oh dear. Seems our Ian may be n the mood for a little gender-bending, as he directs the Doctor to get in front, and the old man grabs his - yes, yes, all right! I know! I’m getting to it. Hey, I have to do something to get through this, you know? Their clever plan falls apart the moment they meet a real Dalek - did they even think this one through? Now we get some Dalek-on-Dalek action as we have a threesome with Susan being probed from in front and behind! Oh shut up, it’s my way. You try writing this! She certainly has a cheeky little smirk on her face I must say.
Perhaps making a case for Daleks not after all being the most intelligent creatures in the universe, the other one allows the Ian-Dalek to take charge of the “prisoners”. Doesn’t even check with Dalek Central. “Uh, no, negative, negative! We got a fuel leak up here. We’re all okay now, thanks. How are you?” And the Doctor then shows how technically gifted he is by blocking the door by the ingenious expedient of, um, pulling out the plug. Ah, like Scotty says, the more complicated the wiring, the easier it is to clog up the plumbing, or something. Now the quantum-penny drops for the other Dalek, as he realises he has been duped. “THERE IS NO OR-DER TO TRANS-FER THE PRI-SON-ERS!” Dalek Control informs him. “BOL-LOCKS!” growls the other Dalek. “THEY’LL PUT ME ON NIGHT GUARD DU-TY FOR A MONTH! THOSE FUC
K-ING HU-MANS! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED THEM!”
Behind the door the others try in vain to get Ian out of the Dalek shell, but as Luke Skywalker once noted, got something wedged in here real good, my friend! Maybe he shouldn’t have got so excited about everyone grabbing his probe. Cold shower, that’s what I recommend. Watch a gardening programme, or a party political broadcast. Listen to some Michael Buble. Hold on: might have gone a little too far there. Fair enough: no need for torture now, is there? Outside more Daleks have gathered, as everyone swears they don’t have the key. “I LEFT IT ON THE SIT-TING ROOM TAB-LE!” Insists one. “I THINK I SAW EX-TER-MIN-ATE EV-ERY-THING ED-DIE RUN OFF WITH IT!” shouts another. “OH GOOD FU
CK-ING BOLLOCKS AND SH
ITE ON A STICK!” Growls another. “IF HE’S LOOSE WE ARE ALL IN TROUB-LE!” Another agrees. “I MEAN, I’M ALL FOR EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING, BUT THAT GUY WANTS TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE ALL THE TIME! HE’S FREAK-ING NUTS!” None of which, of course, gets the door open.
"HIS FLAME CON-TROL IS EX-CEL-LENT!"
"I WANT-ED ONE OF THOSE THINGS BUT THERE IS A SIX MONTH BACK-LOG ON OR-DERS!"
"YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED AM-A-ZON."
"I DID. THEY ARE EIGHT MONTHS BACK-LOGGED."
"CAN YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'M TRY-ING TO WORK HERE!"
But this will. “STAND BACK!” shouts one. “I’VE BEEN DY-ING TO TRY OUT MY NEW AC-ET-YL-ENE TORCH AT-TACH-MENT! COST ME A BUN-DLE IT DID, BUT WORTH EVE-RY CRE-DIT!” And he begins to burn through the door. Ian, still stuck in the Dalek, unable to be moved now that the floor has been magnetised (?) says leave me here and the Doctor says “Right you are!” and is already on his way when the two women say “No, we’re not leaving you.” Ian says to Barbara “There’ll be plenty of time to stroke my probe later dear,” (or maybe I made that up) and off they go. The Doctor promises to send the lift back down for him once they get out. Yeah right.
The lift seems to go down, then up? Susan reckons she hasn’t had a hysterical fit since, oh, last episode, so time for one, and it’s a good one, the Doctor having to restrain her, and things are back to normal. Who needs Ian anyway? It’s not as if they’re falling apart without him. The Doctor has everything under control, oh yes. They do however make it (duh) and send the lift back for Ian, who can be heard, having struggled out of the Dalek shell, shouting “I’m coming!” Thought that was the problem in the first place, the reason he couldn’t get out of the shell? Sorry. Anyway the four are reunited (hoorah!) and the Daleks burst through the door (boo!) and destroy the empty Dalek shell, ruining its original owner’s no-claims bonus and leaving him like a homeless snail (no shell, see?) as they stop the lift, but too late.
Seems our heroes have gone right to the penthouse suite, and through a window Barbara thinks she sees someone moving in the city down below. Nobody seems to consider that the Daleks are surely on their way now, trying to ignore than awful elevator music you get, and arguing over which floor they think the humans have gone to, with one (there’s always one, isn’t there?) complaining that he is claustrophobic and praying the lift won’t get stuck. Yeah actually only one of the fat bastards can fit, but he does give the order we’ve all been waiting for: “THEY ARE TO BE EX--TER-MIN-AT-ED!” Yay! Just in case his Dalek buddies didn’t understand, he repeats “YOU UN-DER-STAND? EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!” The others look at him in awe. WHAT A GREAT WORD!” breathes one. “HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?” The one in the lift says “IT JUST CAME TO ME. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT, THEY ARE TO BE KILLED JUST HAS-N’T GOT, WELL, THAT PUNCH YOU NEED. THEY ARE TO BE DES-TROYED IS NOT WITH-OUT ITS CHARM. BUT THAT WORD: EX-TER-MIN-ATE: IT SUITS SO WELL. I AM GO-ING TO USE IT A LOT MORE IN FUT-URE!”
And so a legendary catchphrase is born.
The Doctor somehow manages to open the door while Ian and crew drop heavy objects down on the lift, which, I don’t know, maybe stops it coming up? Hard to say. They leg it anyway. Meanwhile the trusting and surely soon-to-be-exterminated Thalls are pushing their shopping trolleys into AsDa(lek) (sorry) hoping to fill up on supplies and avoid any Dalek who tries to interest them in the City of the Dead Loyalty Card Scheme. The Doctor and his munchkins head off to try to warn them that they’re walking into an ambush, and possibly to suggest they consider having brains surgically installed. The Doctor as ever is ready to sacrifice, um, the Thalls to the Daleks. “We cannot jeopardise my - I mean,
our lives -
our lives for something which is none of our business!” he states, reciting the very opposite of what will become the Doctor’s
raison d’etre. But he’s old, the Thalls are young, and he probably rightly hates them. And since there are no clouds to yell at, he yells at his companions, who probably begin wondering if that rest home on Bide-a-Wee VII might not be worth a second look?
Ian elects to be the big hero and stay behind while the others shamelessly beat a retreat to the safety of the TARDIS, and the Doctor says “Good on ya. See you in future regenerations maybe.” And off he fu
cks, taking the ladies with him and probably already composing Ian’s epitaph. Or more likely wondering when someone will give him a nice hot dinner and put Antiques Roadshow on the TARDIS's video. Ian, rather strangely, considering he stayed behind to warn the Thalls, does nothing of the sort, and just watches as they walk into the Dalek trap. Oh wait, he does: at the last moment. Thankfully the Thall leader is exterminated: that guy was really getting on my wick. The Daleks’ superior brains fail to alert them to the fact that they’re passing by Thalls who have cleverly concealed themselves in the niches in the walls, and they just roll on by. Hard-on survives, curse it. Now he’s the boss. Sure he didn’t know about the ambush?
How considerate of the Daleks: they even gave them toilet rolls! No panic buying here then!
Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor is chatting up one of the pretty Thall girls. I suppose as lines go, “You know, my dear, it’s bigger inside than outside,” isn’t the worst, but it could be misunderstood. Dirty old get. Hard-on has a great idea for defeating the Daleks. Ian asks him what would he do if the Daleks could leave their city, and he replies they would go away, back to the plateau they came from. Great idea. Daleks hate plateaux. And stairs. And hills. Anything high, anything they have to move upwards towards that hasn't got its own handy lift. Once upon a time, walking up some steps would have defeated the Daleks. Until someone had the bright idea to allow them to fly. Ah f
uck. Oh well. It was good while it lasted but everything evolves. After all, as Jim Morrison once sang, “Babe we couldn’t get much HIGHER!”
Seems the Thalls are a bunch of pantywaisters, pacifists who would rather die than fight. Pussies. Having got nowhere with the Thall babe - it might have been when he offered to show her his sonic screwdriver that things took a turn for the worse - the Doctor is again eager to blow this planet (if nobody will blow him - stop it!) and is ready to follow his own personal Prime Directive, which states, and I quote: if in doubt get the fu
ck out.
The women and Ian argue to sta - oh no wait they don’t. No, they’re all quite happy to leave the Thalls to face the Daleks and get out of Dodge, until they realise Ian has only gone and left the keys to the TARDIS back in the city! D’oh! Those sneaky Daleks half-inched them when they searched him, and though they promised they would be returned when he was exterm - ah, that is, when he left, they’ve hung on to them. So either they get out and push the big blue box or… back to the city to try to explain to the Daleks that all that escaping and throwing rocks at their lift was a big misunderstanding, and could they please have their keys back?
I doubt the Daleks are going to be in a receptive mood. I know I'm not.
Comments
Has to be said that more happens this time, with a decent amount of Dalek action and FINALLY some exterminating! Only good Thall is a dead Thall, say i! Seeing Ian trying to struggle out of the Dalek shell reminds me of that time my cat, greedy thing, got her head stuck in a cat food can and was banging it off the side of the wall to try to get it off! The Dalek ambush is cool, as is seeing them going along one behind the other singing “COS WE GOT A MIGH-TY CON-VOY, TRUCK-IN’ THROUGH THE NIGHT! WE GOT A MIGHT-Y CON-VOY, AIN’T SHE A BEAU-TI-FUL SIGHT? COME ON, JOIN OUR CON-VOY, AIN’T NOT-HIN’ GON-NA GET IN OUR WAY!” Or maybe not.
Overall though the story is AGAIN concerned with our heroes running away and trying to escape. It’s becoming somewhat of a tiresome cliche at this stage. I do wonder how the Daleks end up leaving the city? Why are they stuck there? Can’t start a time war if you can’t even get beyond the four walls. Something must happen. Rather like this serial. Some of the logic used here is again ridiculous. Magnetised floors? Doors? Huh? And how the Doctor opens the door in the penthouse is not explained. Really hard to see how this became the iconic hit it has, but I guess it’s early days yet. Suppose the BBC must have been very forgiving. And the Daleks were a big hit. Page one: get the kids hooked on the monster, and they won’t care too much about the story.
Diagnosing the Doctor
Oh he’s lost any ground he gained last episode! Back to the selfish, cowardly old man whose only concern is saving his own skin. Future regenerations must look back and this and shake their heads and think “What WAS I like?” He’s happy to leave the Thalls and the Daleks to it, and makes no bones about it. He also loses points for being a creepy old man around the Thall girl, and very definitely looking down her less-than-covered top when she leans down (well I know I did) and for being the one to slow everyone down again thanks to his bloody age. Also, he jumps at the chance to throw Ian to the Daleks when he offers to stay behind, to leave him stuck in the Dalek shell and bail for the lift with the vague promise of sending it back, and to allow the Thalls to be ambushed (well they deserve to be). A piss-poor performance all around, only saved by a slight bit of knowledge as he asks the Thall girl if he can see her etchings. Isn't that usually the other way around?
Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E08 - Minus 25/100
(Sinking right back into those negative figures)
Charting the Companions
Ian has definitely to be commended for his selfless sacrifice as he offers to stay behind, and warn the Thalls, and for his lecture (very teacher-like) to those selfsame Thalls that what they need in their lives is what Rimmer once described as good old blood-and-guts, death-or-glory violence. That’d sort those Daleks out. Maybe a stern talking-to, suggest the Thalls, at which Ian sneers.
Susan gets some points for distracting the Dalek as the Ian-Dalek comes out, saying “Ooh, look at the size of your probe! I’ve never been taken from behind by a Dalek before!” But otherwise she mostly spends the episode screaming and pulling her grandfather along like a wheeled toy on a string. Not a lot to say there.
But more than Barbara, who, other than helping Ian and Susan drop heavy things,
Die Hard style, but minus the Willis wisecracks and with neither of them in something so common as a vest, down on the lift bringing up the Dalek, does. I mean, she hardly has any lines, and other than banging fruitlessly at a window when she knows they’re miles up anyway and no Thall is going to hear her, little to do.
Susan: 5/100
Ian: 25/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100