“Now ask me where my fucking homework is, you twats!”
Title of episode: “The Firemaker”
Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child
Part: 4 of 4
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Anthony Coburn
Original air date: December 14 1963
All right, time to get this s
hitshow over with. Let’s dive right in. When last we left our intrepid adventurers they had made it back to the TARDIS with Hur and Za in tow (the latter looking a lot less likely to be making many concession speeches, having had his policies questioned in no uncertain terms by an animal who may or may not have been a tiger) when BOO! The mighty Kal and his band of Repub - sorry, cavemen and some women jumped out and said “Didn’t expect that, did you?” Yeah Kal, we actually did: you laid out your plan last time. Never mind. On we go.
A VERY sweaty Ian, who looks like he’s just emerged after several hours in a sauna, fills the screen (not an image for those faint of heart, I would add!) while cavemen seem to emerge from the ground around the TARDIS like plants growing out of the soil, or like those skeletons that popped up when the bad guy sowed the dragon’s teeth (or was it a hydra?) in the movie
Jason and the Argonauts. Living Dead-like, they begin to stagger forward, causing our heroes to stagger backwards, back into the Forest of, um, Fear. Incidentally, I don’t know what it was with BBC cameramen, but they seemed not to think they had done their job unless they had managed to get right up the nose of their subject, the face taking up all the screen, as again we see one of the cavemen loom up and whisper “They are coming,” as if nobody could work that out for themselves.
Now begins an impromptu trial for the stretchered Za, as his rival tries to frame him for the murder of the old woman. In a stunning feat of legal gymnastics though, the Doctor out-thinks him, pointing out that the knife with which Za is accused of doing the deed has no blood on it. Faced with such O.J-style demolition of his evidence, Kal attempts to disprove the Doctor’s claims that Za’s knife is blunt by showing his own knife, which - oh dear! - has blood on it! Your honour, I move the testimony of the witness be stricken from the record, and he himself stricken with a nice heavy flat stone. No? Our Kal is in trouble now, and with his pea-sized brain has only himself to blame. Gasps go around the open courtroom: could it be that Kal lies? Surely not? What is a lie anyway?
Perhaps stupidly (remove the perhaps) Kal admits he killed the old woman, and the Doctor urges everyone there to advance a thousand years or so and stone the guy. They do. “Drive him out!” he yells, but the cavemen don’t even know the difference between a manual and an automatic transmission, and opt for running him out of town instead. Congratulations Doctor! You just created the first mob in human history! How proud you must be. Za, suddenly and miraculously cured of his wounds and not only able to stand now, but to positively strut, grins “Well, one does not wish the leadership for oneself, of course, but if one is called upon by one’s people to assume the mantle…” And assume it he does, pronouncing Kal as Public Enemy Number One and exiling him from the tribe. In grateful appreciation of the time travellers both saving his life (which, had the positions been reversed, he would most certainly not have done) and stealing the election for him, Za orders that they be returned to the Cave of Skulls.
Wait, what?
Yeah. Seems gratitude doesn’t hold much of a place in his heart. Or maybe he’s afraid, like all politicians in power, that his people might start thinking “You know, that Doctor chap is really clever. And he can, apparently, make fire. Maybe we should be putting our X beside
his name!” For some reason, the abovenamed cave is just a few steps behind them. Well that’s handy. Nobody’s in the mood for another long trek through the Forest of Flatulence, sorry Fear. Za has a conflab with his lady, in which they discuss the many and various options open to him. “They must make fire, or they die.” Oh. well. Not so many options then. Good to know where you stand though. Ah but where would we be without some unintentional sexual innuendo? As they attempt to make fire, Ian says to Barbara, “Spread them around the hole.” Barbara, who is a good Protestant girl no doubt and doesn’t even know what rimming is, ignores him and instead grabs onto his hard thick shaft.
The
stick, you degenerate bunch! The stick with which they’re trying to spark up a blaze. Friction, which is, to be honest, something this drab episode - this whole serial - could do with. Science friction? Sorry. Eventually they get it together and Za is one happy caveman. Mind you, he’s getting a bit close to the newly-made fire - careful there me old mate! Don’t want to give your people fire by dancing about with it on your head! Outside, the natives are literally getting restless, as another guy sees his chance to seize power, but what’s this? Our mate Kal ain’t going gently into that good night. He’s back, and ready to have a free and frank discussion with Za about his fire policy. With the help of an axe. Is this in the debate protocols, mister moderator?
In a comical, cartoonish fight that reveals more than you’ve ever wanted to see of any Caveman’s secrets, the two dance and wrestle around the cave, while the time travellers, um, watch. Nobody thinks “You know, if this Kal guy gets the edge we’re all toast. Better clonk him one with one of these handy bones, of which there are many lying about!”? No, they just seem to believe
Caveman Wrestlemania 0001 AD is a spectator sport, and they do nothing. In the end, Za scores a major hit on his opponent, bringing the debate to a rousing close with a pretty damn big rock, and goes to show his tribe the miracle of fire. Grateful as ever, they now moan that there is no meat, and Za, probably already regretting becoming the leader, snaps “All right! All right,
fuck you! I’ll go get meat!” Whether or not he thinks of ducking back into the cave and cooking up Kal for supper I leave to you to decide. When he returns he invites the travellers to stay with them. Or die. Either is good.
Susan then delights motorcycle clubs, metalheads and tattoo artists nationwide as she sticks one of the torches into a skull, and a logo is born. In perhaps the most stupid piece of writing ever (and it’s got lots of competition here) they then fool the cavemen into thinking they’ve died by, um, sticking four blazing skulls in the sand. I tell you, the flesh just wastes away in this cave. Can you believe it? Not only have their bodies rotted in less than an hour, but so has all their skeleton! Except the skull. Jesus Christ. I mean, apart from all that, there are four skulls, and for people. Who planted the skulls on sticks if they’re all dead? Their clever ruse allows the four to hop it through the tunnels in the cave and they head back to the TARDIS, a journey they needed guidance for before, but seem somehow to know the way now.
Za however had not been chosen leader for nothing, and he proves his leadership qualities as he sees through the trick and,
Benny Hill-like, the cave posse are again after the people from the future. Double speed please, and cue “Yakkity-Yak!” Za realises that the fire can light their way in the darkness, while Barbara, paying for the heinous crime of trying to take charge like a man last episode, has to fall and be helped up by Ian. What a wuss. More close-ups of faces as our heroes run, perhaps in an effort to cover the fact that the budget does not stretch to keeping the plants they rented from
Billy’s Garden HQ in the High Street, and have had to be returned the previous day. Honestly, in the darkness, and with the close-ups, they could be running anywhere. And probably are.
Anyway they make it back to the TARDIS and
fuck off, Ian rather inappropriately propositioning the Doctor as he screams “Come on Doctor! Get us off! Get us off!” The venerable old grandfather ignores him and instead busies himself with the controls of the time machine, and as they vanish everyone, very much including your reviewer, breathes a sigh of relief. Oh, the Doctor admits he doesn’t know what the f
uck he’s doing, and the TARDIS could take them anywhere. “Back to cancellation land,” grumps the controller of BBC. “Think we’ll stick with
Gardeners World, if it’s all the same to you.”