Trollheart

Comments: It’s poor. There’s no doubt about that. But it’s not quite as poor as I thought it would be. It is poor though. You can imagine the programme meeting before the show.
“Can we have some monsters?”
“No way. On your budget? Do me a favour! You’re lucky you have the box, and that’s only available because it’s police surplus!”
“A planet then?”
“How about a disused quarry?”
“Really?”
“Best we can do.”
“Sigh. All right, I guess it’ll have to do. Aliens?”
“I can do you some dodgy actors in a cave. My final offer: take it or leave it.”
Hartnell: “Can I at least have something to wear other than fucking pyjamas?”
“No.”

I don’t get the idea behind the sun not being there. The (sigh) yearometer said zero, so are we at the beginning of recorded time, or is it just as far back as the thing can count? If man is, technically, the dominant species, then the dinos are long gone you would assume, but how is man dominant without his two favourite methods of domination, the wheel and fire? When is this supposed to be? And are these guys the sum total of Earth’s population? If not, if there are other caves, can none of those guys make fire either? Surely Ian would have matches; a fine gentleman like him must surely smoke a pipe?

It in interesting that even here, so far back, when we think of cavemen we naturally assume the second part of that word to be the ones in charge, the men, but here, despite having little real social status, or at least none that is acknowledged, the women seem to be the ones pulling the strings. With typical female guile, they ensure the men do not realise they are being manipulated, but it’s heartening to see a more liberated attitude being practised towards the heat-challenged. The “power struggle” between Kal and Za is just hilarious; each is as useless as the other, neither with more than a brain cell between them. Are we seeing the early beginnings of the Republican Party here?

The rest, other than the father and his daughter, mostly just shuffle around looking like they wish they had not answered the casting call for “Extras for children’s programme on the BBC, must be able to look very dull and stupid, two pounds a day plus lunch in the BBC cafeteria. No blacks or Irish need apply.” They could probably fit in on an episode of The Walking Dead today - oh no wait; those guy know how to emote.

All in all, a pretty poor follow-up to the relatively decent pilot, and I can’t really see it getting much better from here.

Diagnosing the Doctor

If anything, this episode has lowered my regard for Hartnell’s character. It’s not the actor’s fault - you work with what you’re given, as I said before - but here we’re shown that the mysterious Doctor is not anywhere near as confident nor as powerful as we had thought, and as he would like us to think he is. The guy can’t even make fire by rubbing sticks together! What kind of a bloody timelord is he, anyway? Not only that, he can’t control his TARDIS: he has no idea where they are, and the fucking chameleon circuit isn’t working. Again. Unlike future incarnations, he can’t tell at a glance what year they’re in, and has to take soil samples like a common troll. His own arrogance melts away in the superior presence of men who can’t even rustle up a spark, and in terms of defence he’s helpless against, let’s be honest here, a bunch of savages with bone hatchets! Where’s his sonic screwdriver?

As a character, he does very little here. Most of the episode is given over to the scintillating conversation between the cavemen, and to be honest, when he does join the party he doesn’t add much to it. He goes off on his own in his superior way, only to get clonked on the head by a caveman and end up a prisoner. He panics when he can’t find his matches. The Doctor doesn’t panic; hardly knows the meaning of the word! And until they arrive, he doesn’t seem to be worried at all about the fate of his Companions, whose safety, surely, he is responsible for?

Nah, after that poor performance I re-evaluate my view of him to

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E02 - 3/100

(Note: scores are NOT cumulative. They will most likely change - hopefully for the better - but will not be added together)

Charting the Companion(s)

But what about his sidekicks? How are they doing? Well, from the first, Susan gave me the impression of an excitable, annoying girl who was hanging on to her grandfather’s coat-tails and, though supposedly very intelligent, did little to show it. This episode does nothing to convince me she’s anything special, and in fact her hysterics lose her points.

Ian is still blundering around saying “this can’t be happening!” while Barbara is far more practical, accepting that yes, it’s fantastic and weird and hard to credit, but it obviously has happened. She loses points though for her “damsel in distress” routine in the cave, when one of them reinforces his people’s stereotype and literally carries her screaming over his shoulder. Ian’s not a lot better to be honest. I’d have to say nobody covers themselves with glory here.

Susan: 3/100
Ian: 4/100
Barbara: 5/100

So for now, if only for her sensible, British Blitz-style get-on-with-it attitude, Barbara edges it, but only just.

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