Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre
I went to a bar in downtown SLC playing 80s new wave and then we went to a goth club that was also playing 80s new wave. I got really drunk but none of the alcohol or the music could mask my anxiety and depression. I've been going back into a downward mood swing and I just can't escape the, I guess, ptsd thoughts. The feelings of loneliness, self pity, extreme anxiety and guilt. Guilt for what? I don't know. I guess when you spend your whole life being taught to hate yourself you just feel an unshakable existential guilt that not even weird 80s dance music can cure. Even being cuter than Post Malone doesn't help in these moments. I'd rather not be cute and be okay with being. I can't afford medication. I have a hard time coping with people and anxiety so it's hard to retain jobs even if I like both the job and the people. People always talk about solutions to suicidal thoughts but they never leave 'suicide' on the table when I'm fairly sure it's a solution and the only one I can actually take. Or the easiest one. I gave myself 3 years in 2016 to pull myself out and I'm still here and I don't know if I want to keep trying or muster up the courage to finally quit.
Weird question, but if I ever decide to kill myself would you guys want to know, like a quick goodbye or should I just keep it to myself? If I ever commit to that decision I never want to put myself in a situation where people can stop me, but I also want people who wouldn't know better and, for what ever weird reason, have grown attached to me, to know so they don't have to wonder. Maybe it's better to let people wonder because they could be like "Man, maybe Colbey is probably doing much better now". Well, I posted this so probably not. I even screwed that up. No. Suck my dick from the back, Music Banter. I can kill myself how ever I want and if I want. I'm the cute Post Malone FFS.
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Yes, I would prefer to know, because I care and if I didn't know it would only haunt me while suspecting the worst anyway.
I'm always annoyed by people claiming that suicide isn't an option, because of course it is, and ignoring that only sounds inconvincing. The thing is that it's one of the worst options. If you feel like it's pretty much the only option left, you don't really have anything to lose, which gives you a lot of freedom to try and make things better. And even though you have a lot to deal with, you also clearly have a lot of potential to make things better: you're intelligent, you clearly have strength if you've made it this far, and you have talent.
This feels so ineffective. I can never read things like this and just ignore them, but everything that I can say feels so weak in the face of the things that you, and some other people here, deal with. Just know that I'd gladly be of any help in case ever I can be.