Originally Posted by Trollheart

Given OH's dismissal of my writing, and his already avowed distaste for the kind of exposition favoured by the likes of Dickens and Hugo (I think the actual quote was "Stop ****ing around and just tell me the story, ****!" or something typically Hawkish) I thought it might be fun to explore how he would have written some of the classics of literature, leaving out all what he would consider "the boring ****" and distilling each novel down to its barest essence.

OLIVER TWIST (CHARLES DICKENS)
An orphan boy finds he's fallen in with some bad guys, but he has rich parents so he's all right in the end.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (LEWIS CARROLL)
Some dumb blonde thinks she's having adventures underground but it turns out she's just been dreaming, stupid bitch.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS (LEWIS CARROLL)
Same ****, except instead of falling down a rabbit hole she goes through a mirror.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (JANE AUSTEN)
Some bird isn't attracted to some bloke, then she is and they get married.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR (GEORGE ORWELL)
Some guy tries to stand up to the system. The system kicks the **** out of him.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (H.G WELLS)
Guy goes forward in time but ****s things up and gets stuck there.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (CHARLES DICKENS)
An old guy is real mean, but then three ghosts pay him a visit and he becomes good.

Feel free to add your own.