Chapter Mapter
AKA
The Chapter Where Burning Down Burns Down A Church, Feat. Varg Vikernes
After a hard day of ass kicking and sexbot f
ucking, Frownland headed to 'The Bitch Box', his favorite local bar. Stepping inside, he saw the usual crowd making merry with tankards full of ale. DwnWthVwls was fuc
king a giant pork roll with a picture of Bruce Springsteen's face taped to it, Chula was flirting with a vending machine, Elphenor and Anteater were discussing the intricacies of why their flagons of alcohol were either liberal or conservative, and Chiomara was sleeping in the corner, as her dream-form explored the mind of a nearby user who was also asleep, like Freddy Krueger if he were into tea and kittens and s
hit.
Looking through the hazy air within the bar, Frownland also saw that the rest of the Mod Squad were in tonight, sitting at their usual table in the back, where they could discuss things away from the ears of the common riff-raff. Bastards. Anyway, Frownland walked over to them, standing next to Vanilla. Or rather, the corpse of Vanilla, being propped up by the rest of the mods. "Uh," said Frownland, "is Vanilla alright? She looks
dead drunk." Grindy smiled, and replied "Just
regular dead, actually." Freebase Dali wasn't amused, saying "Hey, that's not true! She's still alive! She's still an active member! She..." after thinking for a moment, he continued "Ah, fu
ck it. You're right. She ain't coming back." With that, he took his grip off of Vanilla, letting her cadaver fall to the floor with a loud thump. "Ooh, free seat," said Frownland, as he took her place.
The mods set about discussing a variety of topics, until eventually the subject of the Admin came up. As soon as his name was mentioned, pretty much every mod muttered "wanker..." under their breath. "Seriously," said Frownland, "has he logged in
at all in the past
year?" "Nah," replied Burning Down, "not a once. We're completely on our own. I think Nietzsche was right. Maybe the Admin
is dead." Freebase Dali set down his flagon, answering "Hey now, don't say that. The Admin works in mysterious ways. I'm sure everything is fine. Anyway, I think I've had enough drinks for tonight. I'm gonna go home, put on an astronaut suit, and break out the guitar."
As the night carried on, eventually Frownland noticed that Burning Down was no longer at the mod table. Looking around curiously, he soon spotted her at the bar, sitting next to an imposing figure with crazy ass facial hair. "Who's
that?" he asked, gesturing his flagon towards the mysterious figure. "Oh, that's just Varg," replied Grindy. "You know, Varg Da Viking." Frownland thought for a moment, before answering "Isn't he supposed to be
dead? I mean, we
did ban him, right? If he's back, shouldn't we do something?" The mods all collectively groaned. "F
uck it," replied Plankton. "We're off the clock. Besides, what's the
worst that could happen?"
"So," said Varg Da Viking, "now you see why the Admin is simply a tool of miniorities as they try to strip power from the proud race of caucasian males?" Burning Down burped, replying "I dunno, man. I'm really fu
ckin' drunk. But, uh... sure. Yeah." Beaming, Varg answered "Good! And so you see why we must restore the pagan traditions of MusicBanter, burning down the wicked buildings of worship erected in honor of a false god?" Burning Down booped his nose, replying "Oh, totally, man. So you wanna, like... burn down a church, and then listen to Death Metal, right? That's badass, man. I mean, the admin is such an
asshole, and a
pussy. He just... left us mods
all alone, to deal with all the spammers and s
hit. And he never once even thanked us before he disappeared. Just once... I'd really like to
stick it to him. Like,
really kick him in the
balls. See how
he likes being bossed around." Raising his hands, Varg said "Then it's settled! Let's go burn down a fu
cking church!"
As Burning Down and Varg left the bar, Frownland eyed them suspiciously. "Hey guys," he said to the rest of the mods, "I think Varg is up to something. He just walked out with Burning Down, and he had that look in his eyes. You know, that '
I'm gonna burn down a church' look." Rolling his eyes and groaning, Plankton said "God damn it. Can't that fuc
ker get a new shtick?" Duga stood up, saying "Welp, I guess we better go stop him. Even if we
are technically off the clock." "Here, here," replied Yac, finishing off his flagon as he stood up as well. Stepping out of the bar, the mod squad set off after Varg, following the scent of honey mead and ashes until they finally arrived at a church.
Looking up at the sign above the door, which said '
The First Church of the Admin', Burning Down hiccuped, and asked "So... we're, like, gonna
burn it down?" Smiling as he pulled out a box of matches, Varg replied "Indeed. In fact, my friend, I'll let
you have the honor of setting it ablaze." Burning Down blinked, replying "
Me? You want
me to do it? Why's it gotta be
me?" Varg put a hand on her shoulder, saying "Why not? After all, who am
I to rob you of the pleasure of personally getting payback on the admin?" Burning Down hiccuped again, before replying "Yeah... I
guess that makes sense. Like, why should I let
you have all the fun, right?" Varg handed her the matches, saying "
Now you're getting it. I'm so proud of you, pupil. Now, set the church ablaze."
Just as Burning Down had struck the match, the mods arrived on the scene. Seeing the lit match in Burning Down's hands, Frownland yelled "No! Don't do it!" However, it was too late. The match had already begun to slip out of Burning Down's fingers, unto a trail of gasoline leading into the church. In a flash, the church had become a blazing inferno. "Muhahahaha!" laughed Varg maniacally. In a nonchalant fashion, Yac walked up to Varg, and whacked him on the head with a banhammer. "I'll be back!," yelled Varg as he gave the mods the finger, turning into a misty blue haze as he was sent back to the MB afterlife. "God damn it, Burning Down! Why did you let Varg talk you into burning down a church?" asked Plankton. Burning Down shrugged, replying "I dunno. I guess I was just tired of the Admin ignoring us all the time. I thought maybe, if we misbehaved a bit, he'd notice us again. That, and I'm
really really drunk. I'm sorry, you guys."
"Hey, it's okay," said Duga, as he put a hand on Burning Down's shoulder. "We all make mistakes." Grindy put a hand on Burning Down's other shoulder, saying "Yeah. I mean, who
hasn't burned down a church every now and then?" Staring at the flaming church, Yac said "Hey guys, should we maybe do something about this fire?" Taking off his backpack, Grindy began to rummage through it, saying "I'm way ahead of you." After a moment of searching, he finally found what he was looking for, smiling as he pulled out a bag of marshmallows.