Bro
Today is a day I wasn't prepared for. Honestly, I had no idea that today was even here until I looked at Facebook and saw that my mom had posted something. Today is my older brother's 30th birthday. Why does this have significance you ask? Well, this is the journal for it, and I feel that talking about it is a great catharsis on a day like this...
My older brother (I'll keep him unnamed for the sake of privacy), we lost the part of him that was well and good, the older brother that I knew was hidden within, about a year and a half ago. He's one of the examples of people who struggle with addiction to the point that it destroys them. Drug of choice? Heroin. I know what you're thinking: "Really Ki? You've caused two people in your life to turn to heroin?" Well, I take responsibility for one of them but not the other. Here's the thing: You can't really describe what it feels like when you're watching someone you've come to respect over the years take certain paths in their life that leads them in reverse. Back when he was falling south, this was during one of the worst times in my life, so while this was going on, I was also trying to get out of a bad breakup and of course, that also resulted in the same fashion. You're probably wondering if we've tried to help him get out of this mess. No, I personally have not. Honestly, you can only burn someone so many times before it becomes stale and numb. This is a brother that when he turned 18, he started to show signs of wanting something else out of his life. bad girlfriends that I've met, pregnancy scares with girls he didn't know, and just running away from his problems. This I believe effected me a lot when I was younger because I was looking for that role model to show me the way, and it wasn't being done. I have a lot of memories with him that I consider good, like him getting me into some hip hop artists, or him coming to events for things I was involved in, but unfortunately those memories have been clouded by the life he chooses to live now.
The big deal here is not that he left his immediate family (because honestly, I don't have a shimmer of hope for him anymore), but he also left his son. He has a son of about 3 years, and he's growing up in the protection of his grandparents, myself and my younger brother, and my brothers ex. He's going to grow up never knowing who his father is. That's not a reality I would wish on anybody. I wouldn't even know what I'd do if I learned later in life that my own flesh and blood turned to heroin or drugs of whatever choosing and left everything else.
Now, I know a lot of people deal with this kind of stuff, so I'm not standing here on a pedestal asking for sympathy. If you don't give half a **** about this, believe me, I don't give a **** either. However, I'm more concerned in my own head about the fact that this is the first year that I was legitimately surprised to know that my older brothers birthday is today. I've remembered every year prior because it was something to be celebrated. Something to be excited for. We'd all get together and celebrate it. But this year is not the same at all. I'm not going to celebrate him. If I were to celebrate him, I'd be celebrating his homelessness, his criminal record, his drug abuse, and everything else he may or may not be dealing in. I really don't know his life anymore, and at this point, I don't think I want to know.
Happy birthday bro. I only say that because it's formality. I don't have any hope or trust in the fact that you'll ever get better. But if you do, I've got some hip hop artists to show you. I don't think you're ever going to get better, and I'm going to continue to realize that I can't look up to you anymore. You've burned too many bridges and you've made us feel what a family should never feel. I don't hope you rot in hell because that's assuming you'll know what that is when you see is. I do have a tiny bit of hope that maybe you'll someday see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, given that you've spent the last 10-12 years chasing after it only to fall backwards, I don't see that happening anytime soon. Call me pessimistic, I don't care. But I won't be celebrating today. It will effect me in a way that I don't want it to because that's how my brain works. But I'm not sad because of you. I'm sad because I've never been able to look up to you in the way that most people should be able to.