In the introduction to this new section I noted that I would be crossing slightly over to the Marvel universe, kind of breaking a semi-promise I made not to, but keeping it very low-key. The last thing I want to do is step on Batty's big toes, and by that I don't mean his toes are actually large, but he's a pretty big wheel in comics, at least here. He is
the authority. To put it in terms we all understand, if I'm Dragonforce Batty is Black Sabbath. So I'll be concentrating – mostly – on the lesser-known heroes and villains, ones you may not have heard of, with the odd exception. Batty and I are going to have an epoch-defining, multiverse-shattering climactic battle over Thor, but that's another story. So basically this will be my own little unregarded and neglected corner of the Marvel universe, where I will introduce you to some pretty odd and rare figures.
When I first saw this written I naturally assumed it was a typo, or that someone was making a one-off joke. Of course, it is a joke, as such, but hardly a one-off. In fact, if you look at the cover of the comic this guy first appeared in, it's pretty anthropomorphic, from its title (
Marvel Tails) to the other characters (Captain Americat, The Incredible Hulkbunny), and clear that they're taking the loved Marvel characters and, well, giving them animal shape as it were. This however is the one I want to concentrate on, as he both lampoons one of my favourite Marvel heroes and was also the first one I read about. So say hello to
From the off, it's pretty clear to see this is a pig, so we're talking, surely, about a pig who got bitten by a radioactive spider, yes? Ah, well, no actually. Believe it or not, we're talking here about a spider who got bitten by a radioactive pig! Well, sort of. Let's check in on the origin of Spider-Ham, as explained, believe it or not, in the third-to-last issue, number fifteen.
In the basement of an ordinary house in New York, frustrated scientist May Porker has made a breakthrough, managing to create an atomic hairdryer. She tests it out as an incredulous and interested spider who lives in her cellar, and who is named Peter (though whether that's actually his name or whether the somewhat scatty genius has named him I don't know) watches. Suffused by radioactive energy, May Porker loses control and staggers towards him, grabbing and biting him, and then collapsing. As she does, the spider realises he is being transformed into – a pig! Staggering outside, he narrowly avoids being run over in his new body, and realises that he has retained the characteristics of his previous form – the speed, strength, agility and super-sensitivity of the spider he once was.
Having tested out his new abilities, he returns to May Porker's home to find that the old lady has regained consciousness, but the blast has wiped her recent memory. She now believes she is nothing more than a harmless old lady, and, more, that Peter is her nephew! Fearing that to tell her the truth would send her into a state of shock, perhaps kill her, Peter plays along. He finds that he seems to have also inherited May Porker's scientific knowledge, which allows him to create webshooters and dressing himself in a spider suit, he decides to fight crime in his new life as ...
da da da daaaah! Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham!
So that's the rather weird and yet in an odd way understandable origin of this little guy. Now, let's go check out his first adventure, which appeared in, as I say,
Marvel Tails issue one.
Episode One: "If he should punch me!"
Literally hanging around bored, Peter Porker is relieved to see a familiar sight – the Gopher Gang – going in to rob a bank. He can now make extra money by getting “exclusive pictures” of himself foiling the gang in his guise as Spider-Ham, in exactly the same way his human alter-ego does. He is joined in his endeavours by Steve Mouser, also known as Captain Americat, who helps him mop up the bad guys and then the two of them head to a meeting with J. Jonah Jackal, editor of
The Daily Beagle. There, JJJ (whom the artist has done a fantastic job of somehow making look like the real Jameson, even though he is, well, a jackal. He even seems to have the moustache!) advises them of their next assignment; a local video arcade has been hit by sabotage and there is supposedly a masked villain behind it. They are to get the scoop, exclusively for the
Beagle.
Seems there's a protest going on when they arrive, with a group called PAWS – Parents Against Whimsy Society – demanding the arcade be closed down as it is a bad influence on their children. They check out the nearby amusement park, where the young Peter Porker remembers coming as a piglet (?) with his Aunt May. The owner, Quincy Quackers, bemoans the loss of business thanks to the arcade, complainisng that everyone wants to play video games these days, and nobody is interested in fairground rides.
Outside the arcade, the ringleader of PAWS, Alice Groundy (groundhog) is holding a rally, while one of the other reporters – Rodney Rodent – is accused by Bartholomew Bark, owner of the arcade, of secretly funding PAWS as a means to shut down the arcade so that he can build a jelly bean factory on the site. Groundy, seeing the arrival of her nemesis, demands of Bark that he show her what exactly goes on in his arcade (I assume she could just have walked in; it's hardly secure, but she wants to make a point I guess, and might have been hoping he would refuse, giving her more ammunition) and he sighs and agrees, taking Rodney Rodent too. Inside they meet Doctor Bruce Bunny, head developer, but during the tour he gives them of the facility both Groundy and Rodent are found to be missing.
As Bunny returns to his work, a blue animal who answers the description JJJ gave of the “masked marauder” who has been sabotaging the machines appears and running up to the booth into which Bunny has walked, kicks in the door, trapping the doctor in there. He then turns the machine on, and strange video rays bombard the trapped bunny, allowing
a startling metamorphosis to occur 
, and Bruce Bunny emerges as the green, rampaging Incredible Hulkbunny! The marauder runs off, unaware of what he has just done. Sensing danger, and hearing the explosion as the booth detonates, Peter and Steve change into costume and patrol the arcade. Pretty quickly Spider-Ham comes across the transformed bunny and a fight ensues, while Captain Americat takes on the escaping masked marauder. Realising he is outmatched, the marauder throws gas at the heroic feline and legs it.
Spider-Ham finds himself trapped under a pile of debris, but using his spider-strength is eventually able to lift it off him. The increased weight however now takes its toll on the weakened floor and he drops through – right onto the battling Captain Americat! In the confusion, Hulkbunny escapes into the nearby amusement park, leaving a hilariously Hulkbunny-shaped hole in the wall! Captain Americat goes after the marauder while Spider-Ham tackles Hulkbunny, trapping him on the merry-go-round. The masked marauder is revealed to be – surprise, surprise! - Quincy Quackers, who is crestfallen when Rodney Rodent reveals that the site of the amusement park would have been much better for his jelly bean factory, and he would have bought it from him. Instead, Quackers is bound for jail. As the adrenaline in his system runs down, the Hulkbunny reverts to Bruce Bunny again, and the two heroes rush off to meet their 3pm deadline at the
Beagle.
Wiseguy
It's hardly appropriate to use my usual heading for explorations of the humour in what is essentially a cartoon series, so we'll try this one instead. In this section I'll be looking into the wisecracks, PCRs and other jokes Spider-Ham or his friends use, and also perhaps where they refer back to or namecheck their original ancestors.
As he waits around, bored, Spider-Ham ruminates upon whether all the criminals belong to the same union, and if they all get the same holidays and benefits? As he spots the Gopher Gang he remarks that they have “more outstanding charges against them than an American Express card”. Captain Americat shows how he conceals his shield when in civvies, remarking that his tailor is very good. This ends up giving him rather wide shoulders, which an old army buddy of his working at the
Beagle finds out when he goes to greet him by slapping him on the back, and hurts his paw on the metal!
The parents are protesting against everything! Signs say “No nude games”, “No commie games”, “No violent games” and two others are holding placards, one of which says “Ban lefty games” while the other screams “Ban rightist games”!!
Rather hilariously, at the end it seems Alice Groundy has been converted to the love of video games, as she breathlessly exclaims “I was busy wiping out mutant beach bunnies! Scragged over three hundred thousand of the suckers!”
Notes
Obviously this is aimed more at children but it's fun for adults too, especially if you are familiar with the Marvel universe. The story plays more like an episode of
Scooby-Doo than
Spiderman (the "mysterious masked marauder" has telltale blue legs and just happens to wear a blue mask that doesn't quite hide his beak) but it's good fun.