Mondo Bungle

July 16

Never a fan of the earliest light of the sun, dawn would soon break and I would already be exhausted. I hate the mornings, always have. But as time passes on my trek, I develop both a deeper scorn and appreciation. When you are nowhere, the sun rises and wakes you up rather immediately. In that, you're granted with more time in this day to put into something productive.

As the sky was completely illuminated now, I would decide to rest no longer and carry on. My muscles are stiff from the bench, and walking is hard to do already, keeping my eyes open at all is hard already. Even though I'd not traveled that far, I was far enough along to figure that giving up or pressing on would be the same. I stepped into the morning air and sat outside this truck stop with the same sign that read "Boulder". I was unfathomably tired and struggled to stay awake over here. Eventually I'd be asked to leave, as usual. But there was another stop right across the street, I migrated there and hoped for better luck. Still nodding out at least every other minute.

Not much would happen in the time I was waiting until I finally had someone offer me a ride. I don't quite remember how long it was, but long enough to not discourage me and avoid being hassled. An older woman quietly told me she was driving to Fort Collins directly south, and not far from Boulder. So I joined her.

In the short time it's been, I have come to be completely tired of the usual routine of getting a ride. I answer the exact same questions, always the exact same way. By now it's incredibly tedious. But I suppose it isn't that hard to do, just gets old quickly.

The ride south was relatively short, it wasn't long before reaching Fort Collins. It looked like a comfortable college town here. I'd be dropped off somewhere in town, being a stranger here I wouldn't really know. I did ask if she knew where the library was, but she wasn't too sure with her answer. So I'd have to start the wandering. There was an absurd homeless population in the area I was, including a park with just about its entire surface area covered in sleeping bags and tents.

I walked for a long time before I'd make it to what I assumed was the downtown area, very busy and recreational here. The library would be found later, just a bit out of downtown. I'd spend most of my day there, without really realizing it.

It seemed like there was a public piano on every block here, and I thought that was pretty cool. I spent more time playing, even though I'd never so much as sat in front of a piano before. But it had me entertained. As afternoon progressed, I went back downtown to observe the bustle, maybe find something for myself to do. One area in particular was heavily populated, with street performers and pedestrians alike. I sat at a table in the middle of the area by myself, watching the other people having a ball with anything at their disposal. Just sitting here, it soon grew dark, and I'd accomplished nothing. But what had I to accomplish anyway? I sat here in cogitation and observance, and within me my stomach would start to fill with sorrow. Everyone here, surrounded by so much pleasure, and I'm just a bystander, that pleasure was not a part of my life. Because I was alone, and just too damn introverted to change that. I would sit here, looking around for hours while it kept getting darker and the populace got more wild and inebriated, Fort Collins night life was setting in. I stayed though, still watching.

Oddly enough I would actually soon try to make someone's acquaintance. Though the traffic in the area started to dwindle, a young man with a guitar and a sign was sitting on a bench about twenty feet away. I went over to him and said "This is a pretty happening spot, huh?"

"What?" Of course I failed my first try, and repeated myself. "Yeah, it really is." He began. "I thought it would be a great place to try and make some money. I'm on an adventure right now and everything helps."

"I'm on an adventure too." I said.

"Well mine is more of a legitimate thing, I'm going far." I may not have been going far anymore but who was he to assume?

"Yeah, I've only been gone for two weeks or less I think." He changed the subject.

"I got a twenty from this guy so I thing I should start going back to the park now since it's getting dark. I'm pretty stoked though since I can go buy a sack now." I didn't necessarily endorse that, but to each his own. He walked away without a farewell.

Now I was here, almost alone. Everyone else was gone, but I still remained in that same spot. I had my poem sign in case anyone wanted to donate for one. An old couple walked by and started up conversation. More Jesus freaks trying to save my sinner's soul or whatever. I asked if they wanted a poem and what about. "How about, our Lord. Jesus Christ." The old woman said. I sighed internally and croaked out a response.

"Alright." I had to make up some kinda Jesus bull**** on the spot and managed to very quickly. Though I have no recollection at all of what I wrote. The lady handed me three dollars and would leave me with some more god ****.

"If you are in need, please remember that you can ask our Lord for anything. He will always grant it."

"I'll try." I said as the couple walked away. It was pretty late now I thought, maybe I should wander some more. I didn't want to go back to the park with all the other bums even though that was most likely the spot they'd direct you to. I prefer to be alone out here when I sleep. Alone and unseen. Before anything, though, I got back behind a piano and played for a few more hours. How the time passed like that, I don't know.

A completely visibly trashed woman sat beside me on the bench while I stopped playing. "Why are you playing so quiet?" She slurred.

"Well I don't really know how to play. I'm just screwing around."

"Can you play any songs?"

"Uh, no, I don't know how to play."

"You should learn this." she placed her fingers on the keys but never struck a note, wasted. "Why are you here?"

"I dunno where else to go, I just got in town today."

"Are you a drifter? Did you run away?"

"I guess. It's not really a big deal though, I've been fine."

"Do you know where you are going tonight?"

"Not yet."

"Oh you can stay at my house, I hate people in need."

"It's fine, really." I said.

"No, you're coming back." She stumbled to her feet and led me to a man who I presumed was her boyfriend or husband. "This is a drifter and he has nowhere to go so he'll be staying with us tonight." The man's expression became immediately stern. Clearly he was upset about that, not even being consulted in this decision, and even more so since she already pretty much guaranteed it. Words were exchanged in private before they called for a cab to get home. Both were in no condition to drive.

Their house was a few miles away into another town, or whatever you'd called it. I was greeted by several large dogs upon entering. This woman who'd invited me would be passed out almost instantly, leaving me with the man. His demeanor perplexed me, because he seemed to be supportive and not so much to pry, but everything he said was spoken in a very misleading way. "So what's your story?" He'd ask, it sounded very condescending. I explained what's going on, nothing I haven't said or wrote before. He told me about friends of his doing the same thing, and how much he admired them. All still with a negative tone. "You can take a shower if you want, man." He gathered some things for me to do so and led me to a bathroom. "I'm sure you just want to go to sleep right? Well I'll throw some stuff on the couch out there, when you're done, just leave all the shower stuff in here. I'm pretty beat too, so I think I'm just gonna crash. When you're done just go out and lie on the couch."

My shower didn't last long as I already feel awkward in a stranger's bathroom, and hate to seem like I'm using so much water. After I was done and walked back to the living room, all the lights were turned out and the couch was ready for me to dive in, with pillows and blankets. Once again the usual thoughts began to swirl in the darkness of a stranger's home. They let me stay, and yet I can't shake the feeling of a burden. I couldn't shake this feeling I've had during the whole journey, the feeling that I still don't belong anywhere out here. The always underlying discomfort of day to day life that has plagued me for so long. When I am never content in any place, simply being alive feels so unappealing. It's a very depressing way to feel. But if I was uncomfortable everywhere, I guess I should maintain constant motion. So tomorrow I'd set out again, and I'd all but stopped caring about the names of any towns or anyone there. I just had to keep going.

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