Me vs Relationships
It may sound weird, but I have a love/hate relationship with...well...relationships. I know I'm not entirely experienced and I really don't have much to say given my failure of the 3.5 year relationship that ended in absolute chaos. I absolutely love to hear about people finding their loved ones and getting married and starting a family. That is what life is about isn't it? Well, my hate for the whole ordeal comes from my own insecurity and the fact that I'm a firm believer of there not being someone out there for everybody.
I know somehow religiously or otherwise, people seem to think that we were all put onto this earth to find our other half. And y'know, I've had my close encounters with several people that I truly believed were my other half, but as you probably read from my last entry, I'm not very good at going anywhere past a crush. What I mean by that is that I've never really learned how to ask anyone out, or how to tell if the feelings our mutual between myself and someone else. This results in me giving up on the idea altogether and watching as my previous crushes enjoy their new relationships. That's fine and all and I'm always going to be happy for them for finding happiness of their own, but back in my mind I always wonder what life would be like had I grown the balls to be the guy they're with.
I've been told I'm someone people can trust and I'm someone most people would love to be with. But my own insecurities and unwillingness to allow someone else to live in the emotional distress I live with takes over. I am absolutely 100% to blame for not allowing myself to give into a relationship, and I know I need to fix that, otherwise I'll be 40 years old living in a 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. And y'know, that wouldn't sound so bad if I wasn't constantly surrounding by people that are happy and in a relationship.
Again, I want to stress that I have no distaste for people finding happiness and growing a family, but I really just can't see myself in that life. And I know why that is. Am I really looking to fix it? Not really. I mean, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I'm in a relationship. I know what it takes to keep a relationship strong, and I really don't want to put that much attention into it when I personally wouldn't want to be the person dating me. I can't be selfish.
If you're happy, invite me to your wedding. I'll support you 100%. If you're unhappy with your current relationship, I'll help you through it and figure out a way out. I won't use my own personal experience as I now feel that what I did was a completely scumbag alternative, and I could have been way smarter. The result of me being an enormous dick through my break up caused me to lose connections to friends and evidently led to my own loneliness.