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Old 08-17-2016, 08:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
MystiqueDeep
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Your lyrics are pretty good and definitely have some potential. I particularly like the images you use--they are specific enough to be interesting, yet common enough that most people can relate to some part of it. I also like your AABCCBDD rhyming scheme--that's not something I see often and it makes for a a nice change of pace. In terms of word choice, what really sticks out to me (in a good way) is your repetitive use of "that." It feels more natural to use the phrase "his chair," but the hard "t" sound at the end of "that" makes it more abrupt and distinctive. That is exactly what you would want in the title words of your lyrics. I also feel like that one little word gives the song a broader range of possible moods--it's easy to imagine this song being somewhat upbeat, but "his chair" feels like the song would need to me more slow and melodic.

Here are a couple of small things to consider changing, just to refine it a bit more.
1. The word "seen" in all 4 places where you use it isn't correct English grammar. I know that in country music you can get away with slang and poor grammar, but the rest of your lyrics use words correctly so these instances stand out and are pretty jarring. I feel like it detracts from the rest of the song. Consider using "saw" or "he'd seen".
2. The phrase "In the livingroom and down the hall." The word "and" almost makes it sound like there are 2 pictures hung in 2 locations. It might be clearer if you just dropped the word "and" and used "In the livingroom, down the hall" or if you needed the extra syllable for the music, you could consider "In the livingroom down past the hall."

I definitely enjoyed your lyrics. It would be fun to hear it as a full song some day.
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