Originally Posted by Black_Jack_Davey

Couple things.

1) There is a reason Eminem is the ONLY successful white rapper. It's because white boys can't rap.

2) If I wrote a song, and wrote the lyrics "You have to admit, you like my song, you want to dance and sing along" it just gives people more reason to hate your song. It's like you're ASKING your reader to enjoy. Please like my poem! It doesn't come off well.

3) " I can’t help but rhyme a bit
It just flows naturally
I don’t care what you say
Be like shooter mcgavin"

You said your rhyme flows naturally, but that is the most awkward rhyme I've ever heard. And sorry, but making "Happy Gilmore" references reminds us of the days when Adam Sandler used to be funny, and then we remember now how he sucks. Kinda like this poem.

4) There's no feeling of beginning and end, and the poem doesn't gel properly at all. It's as if you wrote a bunch of different rhymes and combined them together for one song. If you're going to be a storyteller, tell your story, don't put random thoughts together in inappropriate places. I think if you took some creative writing classes you'd be better off.