And now it's time for the first of our very special Guest Reviewers to take the stage! Ladies and gentlemen (and I hope you all are gentlemen!) will you please put your hands together and --- no, don't pray and DO NOT throw the horns! Welcome the one and only
Well hidley-ho there, neighborinos! I call you neighborinos because although we're not lucky enough to live next door to each other, we are after all all neighbours in Christ, are we not? Even those “misguided” people who follow (ahem) Mohammed, Vishnu, Miscellaneous --- jews even! --- are all just really waiting to be shown the true way, for God to walk into their lives and shine His everlasting light onto their dull heathen lives, and they will truly be saved by the one Lord, our Saviour, Jesus Christ, Amen.
So what am I doing here, you may ask, in this den of loud music and nasty lyrics? What place, you ask, has Ned Flanders in Metal Month? Well, to be perfectly honest with you, friends, I begin to grow tired of my music --- Jim Reeves, Perry Como, even the extreme gospel I have started getting into (and let me tell you, they don't call it extreme for nothing! FIVE male lead altos? No I'm not kidding! Take a moment to get your breath back, I know!) --- and thought maybe it's time for old Ned Flanders to branch out a little. I've been hearing about this new “heavy metal” music, but to be honest, bands like that nasty Status Quo and that Italian chap, Jon Bonjourno I think it is, are all new to me, though I believe the Bonjourno chap has songs called “Living on a prayer” and “Born to be my baby” (surely about the birth of Jesus?) so I contacted Trollheart and offered my services as a guest reviewer.
I'm keen to see what he has sent me, and realise I need to toughen up for this as some of the bands featured here don't even --- get ready for this --- praise God in their lyrics at all! Some even --- I've been told this but am not sure whether or not to believe it ---
poke gentle fun at him! Well now, I'm all for the odd blue joke, provided there are no women, children, old people, young people, people of middle age, pastors, priests, teachers, parents, teenagers or doctors present, but I don't know about that. Still, I've taken precautions. I've double waxed my pushbroom, sent Rod and Tod away to Bible Camp, in case they should come under any bad influence during my time here, and I've drawn the curtains and lit the candles (white ones, of course: don't want anyone thinking old Ned has slipped over to the other side, haha!) so I think I'm ready.
And that sounds like the postman now. What has he brought me to review I wonder? Well, would you just look at that!
Sacrament by Lamb of God. Why now, they sound like a fine bunch of fellows. My favourite sacrament? Well now, you're putting me on the spot here, friend, but let me just say without hesitation that confession is my top one. Nothing like getting those sins off your chest. Not that I ever really have any sins to confess, but I like to go into the box and leave with a feeling of complete satisfaction, knowing I have, you know, no sins to confess. Mind you, Reverend Lovejoy can get a bit iffy about it. I remember the last time I went (
went went went went......)
Ned: “Bless me Father, for I have not sinned.”
Lovejoy: “Ned? Is that you again?”
Ned: “You bet your dog collar it is, Reverend!”
Lovejoy: “Ned, why do you bother coming here if you have nothing to confess?”
Ned: “Never hurts to be on the safe side, Reverend. God sees us all, you know.”
Lovejoy: (mutters) “Yeah? Think he can see
this?” (flips Ned the bird in the darkness)
Ned: “Didn't quite catch that, Reverend?”
Lovejoy: “Oh, nothing Ned, nothing at all. So you have no sins to confess?”
Ned: “No siree bob!”
Lovejoy: “Not a one?”
Ned: “I don't think so, Reverend.”
Lovejoy (sighs; he's been through this so many times): “Greed?”
Ned: “No Sir! I am happy with what I have and need no more. Absolutely not.”
Lovejoy: “Hate?”
Ned: “No way Ho-say! I love each and every man, woman and creature on this planet.”
Lovejoy (seeing a chance): “Even .... Homer Simpson?”
Ned: “Well, goshdarn it, I won't pretend he doesn't get on my niggly-niggly-noggin from time to time, but like the Good Book says, a kind word turneth away wrath. (Mutter) Though it doesn't always seem to work with Homer...”
Lovejoy: "Pride? How about pride, Ned?"
Ned: "Not a hope, Reverend. I'm the humblest man you could ever meet. Why, I even lived in Humbleton for a time..."
Lovejoy: "Yeah I remember (mutter) Pity you didn't stay there..."
Ned: "Sorry, Reverend? You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing new earplugs."
Lovejoy: "Ear ... plugs?"
Ned: "Oh yes indeed, Reverend. Can't take a chance on hearing anyone taking the Lord's name in vain. Best to be on the safe side: I don't like dicing with death."
Lovejoy (Sighing deeply): “Stolen anything?”
Ned: “Oh my stars no! Although ... oh Good Lord! That library book! Oh no, wait: I returned it two days ago. Phew! Dodged a bullet there, Reverend!”
Lovejoy: “Didn't we just? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you never killed anyone, Ned?”
Ned: “Well, Sir, I did once kill a plant, may the good lord forgive me.”
Lovejoy: “Plants don't count Ned.”
Ned: “Don't they?”
Lovejoy: “No. They don't have souls so it's not a sin to kill them. You might as well say you killed a buuterfly or a flea...”
Ned: “Well, now that you mention it...”
Lovejoy: “Moving swiftly on. Never coveted your neighbour's wife?”
Ned: “No indeed. I mean, Marge is a lovely woman, but I wouldn't even think of looking at another woman now that my poor Maud is in Heaven, looking down on me, watching every move .... you watching, Maud? I'm being good, see?”
Lovejoy: “Indeed. Well, that seems to cover it Ned. I absolve you from your ... lack of sins ... and may you go in peace.”
Ned: “I think you've forgotten something, Reverend.”
Lovejoy: “Now what?”
Ned: “My penance.”
Lovejoy: “But you haven't committed any sin. You don't need to do penance!”
Ned: “I'd prefer one, even so, Reverend.”
Lovejoy (sighing): “Oh very well! Ten decades of the rosary for three nights.”
Ned: “Ooh! Lettin' me off easy there, Reverend! Well, I guess I can throw in a few chapters of the Bible to fill it out. May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you and keep you...”
Lovejoy: “Goodbye Ned.”
(Outside, Jasper waits in the pews with a scowl. “About time!” he grumbles, pushing Ned roughly to one side. “Some of us've got REAL sins ter confess, ye know!” As Ned walks happily away to the altar to light two dozen candles (paying for each one, of course; not like these people who throw a few coins in and then grab a handful) the words float back from the now-closed confessional. “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have ... adultered ... my neighbour's ... confession ... sinned against my ... huh? Are you the doctor? Where are my pills?”
Back in the present:
Okily dokily then! Got a little sidetracked there with the old memories. Time to have a listen to this album and see what kind of thing the kids are grooving to these days. I hope there's none of that annoying loud guitar music! Oh, almost forgot! Cup of cocoa and my favourite armchair, just get my pen and my ecclesiastical themed notepad and we are ready. Turn the volume to ... oh, what the hey! Let's be daring and push it all the way to three! You didn't know I had a wild side, did you? Oh yes! Sometime I even connect the speakers!
Oh look! I see the album cover is marked with an “E”, no doubt E for Eucharist. Well, makes sense, with a name like Sacrament. OH MY STARS WHAT IS THAT NOISE? Has there been a traffic accident outside? No, no, nothing like that. Hmm. That goshdarned neighbour of mine up to one of his traditional wacky schemes? No, Homer's car is not in his drive and he should be at work at this time, and if Bart were skipping school (as he probably is, the little scamp) he's hardly likely to hide out in his own house now is he? Ah, could be some dogs fighting down the street. Let's go back to the record. Well now, it seems the noise is coming from this compact disc! How odd. Maybe there's a fault on it. I'll stop it ---
there! --- and try again. Ouch! Nope, no luck there, same thing. Perhaps it will settle down in a moment. Well Jiminy Christmas! That man should not be singing! He's clearly unwell from the sound of his voice. Why did he come into work? He should be at home in bed. Oh dear. Still, look at the title: “Walk with me in Hell”. Must be referring to when Jesus went down into Satan's domain and freed all those souls. Yes indeed.
Very loud I must say. Perhaps if I look at this lyric sheet --- oh my! Well that's going to have to be reported. And that. And
that. And
definitely that. I don't even want to
read that! I don't understand this: where are all the songs about Holy Communion? Confirmation? Nothing about transubstansiation? Not even a mention of confession? Then why call it Sacrament? I must admit, it's a darn-doodily-diddly-doozey of a pickle, this one! I'm blessed if I can understand any of this. Oh my sainted aunt! They used the “F” word! And again! And
again! This surely is not allowed to be on sale, where impressionable young children could hear it? What if Rod or Tod happened to hear this? How would I explain?
Oh now really! They're demeaning the Constitution here? “We hold these lies to be self-evident”? Why does the government allow this to be published? I suppose that's what happens when you have a nig --- er, jigga --- er, coon, eh black man in the White House! I mean, it's not called the White House for nothing, you know! Last time I'm voting Democrat, I can tell you! I mean,look at these so-called lyrics: “Sickening cesspool”? “Burn it down”? “Deaf, blind and fu --- fu --- fudging dumb”? Who would write such things? What's this? “ "A virgin whor" --- hohhh – ohhhhhhhhh!
(Ned faints. Some time later, Rod and Todd come in and find their father sprawled on the floor. After paramedics have been, and Ned is resting on the couch after his faint, Rod looks at the CD drawer.)
“Oh look Rod: daddy's been listening to Lamb of God.”
Rod: “Meh, I prefer Slaughtered Virgin Corpse's Uteral Excretion's latest one. Have you heard that one Toddy?”
Tod: “Nah, I've been on a Slayer kick recently.”
(Ned awakes to see the CD being put into the player and picks up the cover)
“Slayer eh? Well, I'm sure that's nice and Christian, slaying all the demons. What's this?
God Rates Us All? Well, I'm sure he diddly-does, and the Flanders clan are rated
Triple-A Plus!”
