GuD

I've been drinking all day, not really that much but my tolerance where it is and having had nothing but a veggie dog it's been more than enough. I'm sober now so I'll be more uh... idk what the word is. Prudent? Without the negative connotations?

I guess the jist of how I feel about my body is that it's maybe like phantom limb syndrome. I'm not missing any limbs but, sans the identity aspect, I imagine it's kinda similar. For example, when I'm doing dishes I find myself making room for breasts that aren't there. I can't stand my facial hair. I'm on the fence about my penis still. Like... it's nice to have an orgasm the way a man does but I often find myself imagining it as a vagina. There was this woman who I think may have been queer that gave me that like, heads up 'hey girl' kinda thing today and I just immediately caved in at the knees. Then later someone called me sir repeatedly and I just felt disgusted. And then latermore I swooned over a very sweet man who wanted a cigarette and had rainbow shoelaces. I guess I'm a MtF lesbian who likes some gay guys? idk. It's frustrating because people are ****ing piranhas out here and everyone thinks they know you better than you know yourself so it's hard to find someone trustworthy. Being very obviously desperate and impressionable isn't doing me any favors.

I think mentally there are some parts of me that might be viewed as male but for the most part I wasn't like that until after I stopped questioning when I was maybe... 16, 17? And then I ended up working and being around a lot of very toxic people that just threw me way off track. The strange thing is I remember seeing the exact same things in some of the women I grew up around as a kid. My mother and most of her girlfriends especially. IDK... I feel like it's stifling to associate a person's mind with masculinity or femininity. I think I've said this here before but I think it's completely ridiculous that, for example, people view dominance as masculine and in some cases male.

Sorry, Trollheart-esque tanget here but my therapy session couldn't happen today and it's been a rough one.

__________________
I spit bullets in my feet
Every time I speak
So I write instead
And still people want me dead
~msc