Oriphiel

I did it. I reviewed Hail to England. I've been having some pretty bad days lately, and I admit that I briefly considered giving up on the review, but I eventually decided that I had to man up and fulfill my promise, for the sake of True Metal. This is the first Manowar album that I have ever listened to...



1. Blood of my Enemies - Kicking things off with a fairly solid metal song, it seems like this isn't going to be too horrible of an experience. However, i'm not very impressed so far. Manowar kinda sounds like a bargain bin version of Judas Priest (especially in the vocal department), and they seem to lack the creativity and energy to add anything new to the mix. In all fairness, it's far from horrible, and it is in fact a relatively fun song, but it just doesn't leave much of an impression on me. Maybe I've become way too jaded in regards to Metal.

2. Each Dawn I Die - Sexy riff. Unfortunately, the vocals come off as pretty cheesy, and the drumming sounds too quiet and unremarkable. I'm sorry, but so far Manowar is coming off as a fairly generic 80s Metal band. The guitar solo was pretty bitchin', though.

3. Kill With Power - Fun, with some steady guitar chugging, but... I don't know. Manowar lacks that special something that really makes a Metal band great, you know? I just don't feel much true power or energy in their songs. The guitars kind of have it, but everything else just sounds way too standard and powerless. And lacking that power, to me, is the greatest crime that a Metal band can commit. There's a certain test that you can do to determine if a band has that spark; turn down the volume. If their songs still have strength, emotion and intensity, then you've got the real deal. But if they sound utterly forgettable once the knob is even slightly turned, relying almost entirely on simply being played loudly to hit hard, then... well, you've still got a song that sounds great when played super loud, so CRANK IT! Just don't don't expect me to seek it out and listen to it again after the party is over.

4. Hail to England - Is it just me, or does every Manowar song kinda sound the same? That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if I enjoyed their core sound, but I apparently don't, so it's kinda like I was doomed to dislike this album from the start. Anyway, whether or not this song distinguishes itself from the others, it's still not too bad. I could imagine driving down a highway, having this song come on the radio, and not immediately turning it off.

5. Army of the Immortals - I don't know why, but this is my favorite so far. The vocals aren't too cheesy, the guitars are fun, the drumming is... well, pretty boring. But still, if some medieval guy was going to be ravaged by a lady barbarian in the back of his parent's horse-drawn carriage, this wouldn't be a horrible song for his entourage of bards to play on the sidelines.

6. Black Arrows - Ha ha ha ha! What the fuck?

7. Bridge of Death - Every version of this that I can find sounds like it was recorded in a garbage can. I guess the band were prophets, because they uncannily managed to record their album in the same place where most copies of it would end up. All joking aside, this song gets pretty fun once it gets going, so now I feel bad about trashing (heh) on it.

Damn. This album was pretty fun, and definitely not bad, but I was still really disappointed. Also, I feel pretty messed up right now, and halfway through the album I just kind of stopped giving a fuck. You know what's on my mind right now? It's not Manowar's music, because psssht, yeah right, I've already forgotten most of the songs. No, it's that guy in the bottom left corner of the album art. Look at him. Like, his beard is a different color than his other hair, and his hand is stuck to his chest via an arrow, which, judging by the angle of the arrow and the trajectory that it probably followed, looks like it was shot at him from the flag-bearing barbarian's crotch. Don't believe me? Look at his facial expression and tell me that that is not the face of a man who was just shot by a crotch-arrow. That is the shattered visage of a man who has received the ultimate mark of shame, and is suddenly realizing that his mettle (and metal) was false. The final verdict is that this album is fun. Give it a shot some time. If you're like me, though, one listen-through is enough. Honestly, you're better off nabbing a copy of Defenders of the Faith or something. Oh, also... fuck you Batlord, it turns out that Girlschool really is more Metal than Manowar.