Originally Posted by grtwhtgrvty

Definitely. I'm not saying that my perspective / philosophy is inherently without flaw. I've just been ****ed over a lot of times and growing up I was inevitably abused in some capacity by pretty much every single adult in my life that decided to be my guardian. My mom, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt, older friends, my brother, etc. I've even been dropped by a therapist before. I don't think I've had a relationship in any capacity that was 100% healthy. I guess that doesn't really exist. Relying on them was what actually made me feel alienated. I don't feel insulted when they see I need help. I just hate the idea of feeling like a burden, really.

I think that total independence is something that everyone should aspire for. I don't think anyone is totally 100% independent. I'm definitely not. But the fact that I make a point to be independent, at least emotionally... I don't know. I think it helped me love myself... so when people leave, or break up with me, or whatever... It's just like... yeah it hurts, but **** them because I'm amazing and I'm a beautiful person and I have so much to offer. It's easier said than done, but you can't live or die based on the acceptance of others, especially for people like you and me, who don't necessarily operate within the mainstream binary of sexuality or gender.

I guess it's a defense mechanism. People leave. They get fed up. They get bored. They cheat on you. They die. They get addicted to drugs. They move on in one way or another and there have been so many times in my life where I'm sitting alone in my room feeling like a ghost because someone somehow passed on. At the end of the day, who you are is really the only thing that truly belongs to you. That is the only thing that is truly yours -- that little voice in your head. Regardless of what you've put yourself through, what you've put other people through, etc... You have to love that voice. You have to love yourself. You have to enjoy yourself. You have to see yourself as worth love. You have to laugh at your own jokes. You have to do all of these things because of the terrifying inevitability that the people you love are going to somehow leave, and they need to know this too, because one way or another, you're going to leave them.



Yeah, honestly, it sucks. I tried to contact her when I was 18 and she immediately placed an order of protection against me. I called her again because I thought it had expired (it hadn't) and I was arrested. Everyone says she still loves me and that she just has issues. I don't know... she abused me my entire childhood and then she left and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I think it made me stronger. One thing I do know, tbh, is that I want to adopt a kid when I'm older... like 35+, and my life is going to revolve completely around that kid, and I'm gonna give them the best childhood anyone could ask for. It's been such a struggle for me to follow my dreams as an artist given my tumultuous lifestyle. I've had so many people ask me what my plan B is... so many people condescend me for wanting to be a musician. I know what it feels like to just flat out not have parents and to feel completely without any type of support system and it breaks my heart to think about all those kids who are cycling through the foster care network. I don't know if I'm doing it for me or if I'm doing it for the child, but I'm going to break the cycle.