Trollheart

And now it's time for another instalment of "Woodland Life" with Professor Dickie Attenborough...
As winter retreats and spring gives way to summer, one of the most wonderful events in nature takes place, as those rare creatures, Journalisticus Escribus Major, also known as the lesser-spotted Journal Author, who have been hibernating through the harsh, cold months, come peeking out of their burrows and sniff the morning air. These creatures are timid, and enjoy their comforts, so if there is still a chill in the wind they will retreat back into their burrows, to wait for the day to warm. Eventually, though, if you have the patience you will be rewarded by the sight of the first tentative snouts, small round eyes long unused to the bright sunlight blinking as they slowly emerge, looking around and padding the soft earth around them. Satisfied, they begin to walk on the grass and, gaining confidence with each stride, their eyes enlarging as they adjust to the light, they can be seen moving in the direction of the newsagent or corner store, in their traditional search for cigarettes, chewing gum and newspapers.

Come with me now, as we go where no camera has been before, and explore what they have been up to while locked away from the winter. Mind your step and be very quiet, for there may be young 'uns in the burrow, and we don't want to frighten them. Slowly now, and carefully....

It seems we have come too soon to catch a glimpse of Insectivore Progressia, the Anteater, as it is still sleeping soundly in its burrow, but we are very lucky to see the rather rare creature called Musicus Electronica Videographicus, more commonly known as Aux-in. We can see that in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...continuum.html it proudly displays the evidence of its work --- mind your feet there! --- with the second part of The Bangers Only Club featuring Reepublic, Cicada and Third Party among others, as well as its take on metal electronica (?) with Koven, Loadstar, Diamond Eyes and more. It even has a review of A song across wires by BT and In the air by Morgan Page. A busy little creature indeed!

Leaving quietly, and leaving everything exactly as it was when we found it: NO you may NOT take that rare dub house special edition mix CD! Put that DOWN! Now you've got your scent on it, and it may not return here for fear of being discovered! Didn't I ask you to restrain yourselves? Sigh! Put it down, and on we go to

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ms-nes-ps.html where the sounds of beeps and casio music and lasers firing inform us that the Franciscus Sable or Black Francis is well into its reviews, with Zelda, Uncharted Waters, Metal Gear and more. No I don't know what they are. NES: I assume it's some sort of tribal god or something. Let's move on. Good god! How many times have I to tell you people? Put that controller down: it's probably got a game in progress. Is everyone here now? Fine, QUIETLY now...

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...nnerspace.html seem to include wedding bells! Yes, we are privileged to witness that most rare of events here in the world of the Journal Authors, the wedding, which will be suitably nerd-themed (nerd-core I believe the innerspaceboy is calling it). As if that were not enough, we see evidence too of its aversion to 24-bit audio, The Personal, Portable Media Cloud and a review of Electronic Music by The Electrosoniks. Another busy little animal, certainly.

A somewhat new addition to life around here, only recently arrived to the area is joenorwood77, which has been working on its http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...band-week.html --- please, don't touch its lists: I'm sure they're all very much ordered as it wants them --- and this week it's looking at Third Eye Blind while over at

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...is-arcade.html there are games turning into MMORPGs (probably some figure of their legends, I'm really not sure. A wise man, maybe? I'll look it up when I get back) such as Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Elder Scrolls and of course World of Warcraft, then there are Pokemon cards (Now this one I do know: Pokemon is the All-God of the ancient Shintoslants, said to have created the world with the four sacred words: “Gotta Get Them All” --- nobody knows what it means and it has remained a hot topic of debate among theological scholars...) as well as number six in its top ten games, with “Paranautical Activity” and then games it thinks there are too many sequels to.

Next to the Ki's burrow is that of its mate, the LiL, which is working on http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...de-sparks.html with more songs from the band the female of this species just can't stop talking about.

A little way off we find a new creature who has just very recently moved into the area. It is slightly apprehensive, given the raw alpha-male power given off by the Ki, but seems to be beginning to settle in and in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...your-time.html it's writing about a band called Foetus

and an odd little creature that lives on http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...crap-heap.html is the Pet_Sounds, which though young is far more mature than its appearance suggests. It is currently trying to ingratiate itself with the powerful Axus Guitarus Divinicus, also known as Plankton, by reviewing its album Krill. It seems to have worked, as the stronger creature has ceased sniffing menacingly outside the Pet_Sounds' burrow, and they seem to have come to a mutual acceptance of each other. Secure in its safety, the little creature is now also reviewing more of its top fifty Beatles tracks, with “Dear Prudence” and “Back in the USSR” .

And now we come to the most odd little denizen of these Woods of Journal Land, the Trollheartus Longwindicus Maximus. This is a creature that is physically unable to write a sentence without it becoming a paragraph, a paragraph without it turning into a page, and so on. One of the most industrious creatures in the whole wood, it can spend literally days on its work, ignoring all outside stimuli and only stopping to consume a chocolate bar and a glass of fizzy orange before hurrying back to its lair to feverishly pick up its work again. Prone to hurt feelings, it remains convinced it is usually right and yet this is also, paradoxically, one of the gentlest and most nurturing creatures in the forest. Legend has it that it was the Trollheartus that built this mighty wood with its own hands, though that is probably apocryphal, if not total nonsense. Let's investigate its den and see what we can find.

After something of a hiatus while it worked on its content indices, the little animal is back hard at it and in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-journal.html there is “Never mind the movie” with the Click OST, as well as a helping of MUSH with Art Garfunkel, while in a bitter dispute with the Batlordicus Metallum Jestericus, the creature presents “The Apprentice” in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-emporium.html, this time the Irish version. Another of its projects (it has many, and can work on them all, having sixteen arms and four heads, all working independently of each other) is http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ive-metal.html, where it wraps up 1968 with Soft Machine, Procol Harum and The Pretty Things. Finally, as promised there is the beginning of coverage of the graphic novel Watchmen in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-2000-ad.html.

As we leave that cave behind us, the sound of screaming guitars and bellowed vocals tells us we are approaching the lair of the Soldiera Unknownus, which is almost finished its look at 1984 in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...y-history.html, as Scorpions, as expected, take the number two slot. This creature however works in concert with the earlier mentioned Insectivore Progressia, the Anteater, on another work, which they title http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...78-2015-a.html. A most exceptional find, as these creatures rarely if ever work together, the last one I can recall was when the Trollheartus and the Batlordicus attempted to resolve their differences over Star Trek: Voyager. They now only see each other at weddings and funerals. The Toto album being reviewed this week, anyway, is “Past to Present”, a retrospective.

One of the oldest and most respected (and feared) of these woodland creatures is the Hatemonger Urbanicus, which has for the last while been working on a relaunch of its flagship journal http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...who-thing.html. This week it was proudly presented, with a full introduction and setup before the creature related the first full Doctor Who story. There is a buzz of excitement around the wood at the re-emergence of this much-missed journal; you can feel it in the air and hear it in the chittering, whooping cries they send to each other as they jump, crawl, climb and slither through the forest.

A strange ritual these little creatures engage in after emerging from hibernation is the awarding of prizes and titles to each other. Well, research would indicate that it is the Trollheartus that actually instigates and awards the prizes. These are usually for well-written or interesting entries in their Journals, and the first we can witness right now, as we look into this week's

and it goes to innerspaceboy, for its incredibly inventive and interesting description of how it plans to tie the knot with its mate:
(Sorry that some pictures had to be edited out: the maximum image count, you know... Trollheartus Longwindicus Maximus)

Fascinating! Another award given out by the Trollheartus is its

which this week is presented to the small electronic creature, Musicus Electronica Videographicus, the Aux-in, for its fine and diligent work in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...continuum.html.

But hush! It seems we may be even luckier than I thought! Here comes the Trollheartus, snuffling and waddling our way, and I think it's about to ... yes, yes! This is just incredible! It's sitting down, punching something up on its screen and, if we're very very quiet, we may be able to hear it recount the latest of its


“The last time we looked into WWWP's journal we got as far as July 2013. Now we move on to (Yes yes! It has a lovely speaking voice, which one would not expect from so ugly a creature. I agree. But please, keep your voices down. We don't want to scare it away!) August, as she explored the Lucius EP and then gave us her top five make out songs, top five songs for driving and then floated an idea that would have involved prizes, but seemed to think better of it after some negative feedback.

Nothing as negative or shocking though as when October rolled around, and she posted “Five things my boyfriend said before he raped me.” I won't dwell on this as it was some time ago, and I'm sure she wants to forget it, as do we all. It would, however, be the end of the year before she would be strong enough or want to post again..."

That was just ... indescribable! Wait till they hear about this back at base camp! What a singular opportunity, and we were there! Absolutely unprecedented.

Well, I think the creatures are coming back to their lairs now, clutching packs of Rothmans and cans of Budweiser and Metal Hammer magazines, so it's time for us to gently leave these timid little creatures and let them get on with their lives. Make sure you haven't left anything behind you; they can detect if you've been here if your'e not careful you know. Now, gently ... gently! ... close the door and follow me back down the path. Are we all here? Good. The bus is just over that rise.

(If you would like to make a donation to help the conservation of these exceptional little animals and protect their habitat, send a stamped, addressed envelope to PO Box 9901, Dublin, Ireland, or visit www.savetheirhabitat.com. Thank you.)

Till next week,
Stay out of my burrow, strangers!
Toodles!

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018