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Originally Posted by Machine
I like when wind blows softly
Through my veins, my cold icy veins
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Wind doesn't blow through veins, softly or otherwise.
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And when I walked into the basement
With the blood splattered on the wall
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And when you walk in the basement with the blood splattered on the wall... what happens next?
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Can I, please be warm?
Can I make myself up to feel better?
Can I know what my problems are?
Can I find out when I need them?
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Need who? Or what? Can you find out when you need your problems?
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I like when wind blows softly
Through my heart, my stone cold heart
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I guess you're being consistent with the metaphor. I like the image, but I find it difficult to suspend my disbelief when you describe wind coursing through your circulatory system.
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And when it explodes I don't feel the vacancy
My vacant hotel room spot
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Your hotel room has a basement? Also, the repetition ("vacancy" and "vacant") sounds unplanned and subtracts from the quality of the line. Nonetheless, I like the idea. It needs a bit of tweaking.
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The I'll burst right through the seams
Just to try and find and help myself
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This is a pet peeve of mine. "Try and" is a colloquialism. Strictly speaking, you should use "try to," because "to" prepares the infinitive. It's "to be or not to be," after all, not "and be or not and be."
etymology - Origins: "try and" over "try to"
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Oh I hope, I hope that I'll know
To kill for a while, at least I'll be complete
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You hope that you'll know what?
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I like when wind blows softly
Through my ears
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In, on, by, but not through, unless you are implying through metaphor that the speaker in your poem doesn't have much going on upstairs.
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My cold dead ears, that are freezing from the windchill
Emanating from my stone cold heart
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♫ The heart bone's connected to the ear bone. ♫
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So I guess I'll know, just what I know
And I'll find out where and when I need to go
The I'll see, yes I'll see
That my journey will only see end when I see it fit
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This is my favorite part of the poem, but all I see is "see see see see." I think the first two are fine. Why not get rid of the third one?
"Then I'll see, yes I'll see
That my journey will end when I see it fit"
On principle, I'd like to eliminate the last "see," but the repetition catches my ear. You might think of replacing that with a rhyme for "see."
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And no longer hide in the tress
The river bends around and we pretend
And I'll show you until the day that we both die, and that day is inevitable
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This bit sounds less polished, and the part in red is a truism. Mind your word choice, as well; "inevitable" doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Sure, you had "emanating" earlier, but "inevitable" sounds contrived in this sentence. My songwriting teacher once cautioned me against big words, and I'll paraphrase him. "You want to get your money's worth out of 5ยข words. You're using $5 words."
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Now I'll find another place to stand on my forehead where I will ponder on my own narcissistic rambling
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I don't like it. This goes hand in hand with "inevitable" from the previous line. And how exactly are you standing on your forehead?
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Now I'll find you again so far away from me, but not too far away to hear your screams because I am watching you again
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Lose the words in red.
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I like when wind blows softly
Through my fear, my undead fear
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Wicked. The speaker's a zombie.
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I like when wind blows softly
And I love me, but hate me (it's clear)
The I'll find, it's so clear
When I hear you whimpering quietly by my ear
Then I'll show you, oh yes I'll show you
That this place is not one that you will know
It's cold and I'll fear, oh yes I'll fear
Fear the hypocrisy and greediness of my heart
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Fear clear clear ear fear fear fear. Different rhyme, maybe?
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Then I'll inevitably die in your space (?)
I'll inevitably die, but for now I want to be close to you
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I still don't know about this word.
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And I'll chop you up so I can have a clear thought once again
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Too close to the fear/ear/clear/fear fest.
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I like when wind blows through my heart, I'll shake like a toothpick
When I sing
Softer...
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I like this imagery.
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When I sing I'll play dead
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Singing is an act I typically associate with the living.
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And I'll hang my only one and true goal
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What do you mean by that?
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Never let you just know how I felt that day
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Get rid of that word.
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But until then I'll cry above the bones that remind me most of you
That remind me most of you
As you do, as you do, as you do...
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Weird sentence. "I'll cry above the bones that remind me most of you as you do." Is there a reason for the "as you do"?
Reading your poem brings this video to mind:
I would work on the metaphor and imagery. I listened to the music on your Bandcamp, this song included. It sounds like you're cramming syllables in some places. (Such as "cold icy veins"; how about leaving out the "cold"? It's really noticeable at "And when it explodes I don't feel the vacancy."). You could trim off a lot of the fat, find different ways to say what you're trying to say. You could also tighten everything up in general; the plot, setting, characters, and address are all fairly ambiguous throughout the poem. And maybe brush up on anatomy.